What is it like being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist?

Being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist is like a slow, painful death.

I started out so vibrant — the woman with red hair who was born on fire. I wanted to change the world.

And I was so driven. High school valedictorian. Graduated college at the age of 20. Started med school at 21.

(Little did I know that my perfectionism and drive to over-achieve was a result of being raised by a narcissist. I was groomed well.)

I had witnessed dysfunctional relationships. I knew what I didn’t want — the fighting, name calling, belittling.

When we met, he seemed the exact opposite of all that. He was kind, attentive, supportive of my dreams. He made me laugh. We fit together like a hand to a glove.

We were engaged within a few weeks and married within five months. Having just started med school, it seemed like Divine timing.

Yet, there was always some sort of struggle. A lie that he’d told that made it hard to trust him (and believe me, there were many). That his mom hated me and that I needed to improve the relationship. Ridiculous rumors his friends and extended family somehow heard and believed about me.

Somehow, he made me believe he was standing by me in those struggles, that he was my greatest supporter. They actually bonded us together. Little did I know, he was the instigator of those struggles.

It wasn’t long before more significant devaluing started — passive aggressive putdowns, lack of follow through, more lies, deflection, projection, blaming. I took it all. After all, I was uber-responsible and a super empath. I took it all as if it were mine.

It was so easy to gaslight me. My dad had been doing it my entire life.

The gaslighting fog was unbearable. He insisted conversations never happened. He’d hide my keys. I no longer knew what was real. No one else saw it. I learned not to trust myself.

Over time, I went from that vibrant woman who wanted to change the world to one who was exhausted, overwhelmed, ultra-stressed, confused, in physical pain, and eventually lifeless.

I had no idea what was wrong. It must be something wrong with me.

Every lie, every sabotage of a child’s project or activity, every putdown, every angry outburst, every undermining of my parenting, every sabotage of my dreams, every dollar overspent, every destruction of the things I loved, drained more life from me.

When I could take it no longer and declared it had to stop, I’d hear, “How can you believe the kids over me?” or “Are you really going to break up our beautiful family over …?” Followed by, “You’re so selfish,” or “you care about money/things more than people.”

Even more distressing was the battle going on inside me. I had parts of myself that wanted to scream “Enough!” and leave. Yet there were other parts that said I had to stay.

I stayed — way longer than I should have. I lost who I was.

They call it “death by a thousand cuts” for a reason. It pushed me to the edge. I had no choice but to heal or die.

It took him hitting my 7-year-old to wake me up. In that moment, my whole being declared, “Enough!” We separated that day.

The narcissistic abuse didn’t end there, but my healing began.

I committed to healing myself and my children and did.

I vowed to put an end to this insidious form of abuse so no one else has to suffer through it.

Eight years later, I’m the vibrant woman I once was. Actually I’m more vibrant. I’m strong enough now to shine my light. And I’m changing the world by helping others heal, shining light into their darkness.

Are you ready to let the light in?

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.