Can a Covert Narcissist Take Responsibility and Be Held Accountable?
Another way to discern covert narcissists from victims — Do they take too much responsibility or avoid it altogether?
You witness a toxic dynamic and want to see it clearly.
Maybe it’s a romantic partner, a friend, family, or a client you’re tasked with serving.
You wonder if one of the parties is a covert narcissist.
They both sound like victims. They both apologize. It can be so hard to tell.
And yet it’s your responsibility.
Recently we discussed 11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist.
Accountability and responsibility are key differentiators.
Accountability and responsibility
Let’s define our terms.
Accountability is taking responsibility for one’s own actions. It includes taking the blame for things that don’t go well or for hurting someone.
Accountability and responsibility include
- Awareness of one’s actions
- Acknowledgement of how those actions impact others
- Ownership of those actions and their resultant consequences
Some actions and consequences simply warrant acknowledgement.
- I dropped the ball.
- My bad.
- It was my fault.
Some also warrant an explanation, but never an excuse.
What’s the difference between an explanation and an excuse?
Look after the BECAUSE.
An explanation is about the person giving it. An excuse is about someone or something else.
Examples of explanations,
- I lost the game because it just wasn’t my day.
- I got sick because I’m burning the candle at both ends and let myself get run down.
- I didn’t complete the project because I got distracted and then forgot it wasn’t done.
Examples of excuses,
- I lost the game because the ref was blind.
- I got sick because the boss works me too hard.
- I didn’t complete the project because Sarah distracted me.
The real vs false apology
Often, accountability and responsibility require an apology. The apology requires an “I” statement to take ownership and a “you” statement to acknowledge the harm done to another.
- I’m sorry I let you down.
- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.
- I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.
Finally, and most importantly, a true apology and accountability requires correcting the situation.
- Completing the project
- Picking up the forgotten item
- Not doing the hurtful behavior again
Will a covert narcissist take responsibility?
No.
The covert narcissist is unable to be truly accountable and responsible for their actions. They cannot be held accountable.
Why?
Their disorder requires two things
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their idealized self and made-up version of reality
Acknowledging they’ve done harm and taking responsibility for their actions does not fit with their vision of their idealized self.
In their mind, their idealized self can do no wrong. Therefore, the blame must fall to someone or something else.
The covert narcissist offers excuses, rather than ownership.
- I didn’t get the promotion because the company is trying to increase women in leadership.
- I hid my spending because you get so angry about money.
- I didn’t tell you where I was going because you get so jealous.
The covert narcissist is the master of the false apology
- I’m sorry. I wasn’t at my best.
- I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again.
- I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.
Most people mistake this for an actual apology! That is why this disorder is so flipping subtle.
The first way you can tell this is a false apology is the lack of “you” statement. Their apology does not acknowledge the impact of their actions on you.
The second way is the lack of correction or repair.
- When they “forget” your drink at Starbucks, they don’t go back in for it.
- When they upset you by sharing your private conversations about your boss at a party, they do it again and again.
- When they ruin your laundry by leaving a pen in their pocket, they don’t fix or replace your clothing.
The contrast of the covert narcissist victim
The covert victim takes too much responsibility, too much accountability.
Until the victim has healed, their pattern is to take responsibility for everything.
- Their actions
- Other people’s actions
- The weather
You hear it in their language. They apologize WAY TOO MUCH.
- A co-worker gets stuck in traffic and will be late for a meeting. Delivering the news to the team, “I’m sorry.”
- Her mom breaks a plate from across the room. “I’m sorry.”
- Someone stubs their toe. “I’m sorry.”
Some apologize for something in nearly every sentence.
The victim takes responsibility for the covert narcissist’s actions.
- I should have seen it sooner.
- It’s my fault for marrying her. I don’t know how the kids will ever forgive me.
- I shouldn’t have confronted him and made him angry.
The covert narcissist victim also tries to correct or repair other’s actions.
- I’m sorry he didn’t fill out your paperwork. Let me take care of that for you.
- I’m sorry she didn’t tell you about the party. Let me get you an invitation.
- I’m sorry he didn’t show up for lunch. Would you like to have lunch with me?
It’s your job to discern victim from covert narcissist
And it’s entirely possible.
Listen to the message beyond the communication of circumstances.
Notice the pattern of awareness, ownership, apology, and correction.
When you know what to look for, it can’t be more clear.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Why Do You, the Victim, Apologize to the Narcissist? and How Covert Narcissists Blame You When They’ve Done Something Terribly Wrong