avatarMelissa Kalt, MD

Summary

The article discusses why victims of narcissistic abuse often apologize to their abusers.

Abstract

The article explains that victims of narcissistic abuse often apologize to their abusers due to a combination of factors, including empathy, grooming, codependency, denial of emotional needs, self-criticism, and a desire to control their environment. The author suggests that victims can break this pattern by noticing their own behavior, creating their own safety, and choosing a different path.

Opinions

  • The author believes that being empathic is a gift, but it can also make victims of narcissistic abuse more likely to apologize to their abusers.
  • The author suggests that victims of narcissistic abuse have been groomed to apologize to their abusers, even when they are not at fault.
  • The author believes that codependency can contribute to victims of narcissistic abuse apologizing to their abusers.
  • The author suggests that victims of narcissistic abuse often deny their own emotional needs and blame themselves for their abusers' actions.
  • The author believes that victims of narcissistic abuse can break the pattern of apologizing to their abusers by noticing their own behavior, creating their own safety, and choosing a different path.

Why Do You, the Victim, Apologize to the Narcissist?

When they are abusive and cruel?

Tango, Photo by Preillumination SeTh on Unsplash

The dance between narcissist and victim is well choreographed. The narcissist leads. The victim follows. The pattern becomes engrained, like muscle memory.

As the victim, you sit here puzzled. This other person, the narcissist, did something heinous, cruel even, yet you were the one to apologize.

Why??

Just thinking about it is crazy-making.

This warped, misguided behavior happens for many reasons

You are empathic: Being empathic is a good thing. It’s a gift, a super power. And being empathic means that you not only experience what you’re feeling, you experience what others are feeling.

This means if your significant other is angry at you for calling them out on a lie, you feel their anger; your anger, hurt, and betrayal (about their lying to you); and your hurt and fear because they are now punishing you. Wow. That’s a lot.

It’s no wonder you want to make it all go away.

The fastest way to make it go away? Apologize.

You’ve been groomed: You’ve been trained by a previous narcissist (parent or previous relationship) that when the narcissist does something wrong, you apologize, or you are punished.

From a cognitive standpoint, it sounds ridiculous.

Yet this training is subconscious, kind of like Pavlov and his dogs. Apologizing has become a conditioned response.

You have some degree of codependency: It is estimated that 90% of the population has codependent traits. You’re definitely not alone.

Codependent traits arise out of childhood trauma and dysfunctional families. As a result, you’ve learned to accommodate others and seek their love and approval.

You’ve also learned to deny your needs, blame yourself, and control your environment.

You deny your emotional needs: You were not allowed to feel anger or hurt as a child, much less express it. It’s natural now to avoid honoring and expressing your feelings.

You criticize and blame yourself for everything: This is so subtle, it’s almost unrecognizable.

  • Someone ghosts you. You wonder, “How could I have been so stupid to misread the signals?” They did something wrong. You blame yourself.
  • Someone runs into you in a store. You say, “I’m sorry.” For what? Standing there, while they plow into you?
  • You don’t receive an email/text/letter, yet you apologize for not responding. Worse yet, you feel terrible about it, as if you’ve done something wrong.
  • Someone honks at you for driving the speed limit on a country road and you feel badly, like you’ve somehow wronged them.

You willingly accept responsibility and blame for others’ actions all day long. Why not now?

You seek to control your environment: When you are afraid and insecure and your self-worth, security, and happiness depend on approval of another, you people-please to maintain that security, happiness, and approval. What’s the fastest way to people-please when a narcissist has done something cruel? Take responsibility for their action.

  • I’m sorry I made you so angry
  • I’m sorry I corrected you in front of others
  • I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were having such a hard time
  • I’m sorry I didn’t have your laundry done
  • I’m sorry I was so busy taking care of the kids, you had no choice but to cheat

It’s time to break the pattern

At this point, you apologize reflexively. It’s a subconscious pattern, your emotional muscle memory. The narcissist hurts you, you apologize. It’s almost like a dance — they lean in, you lean back.

How do you break it?

First, notice above what rings true.

  • Are you looking to escape your own uncomfortable feelings of sadness, betrayal, anger, worthlessness, or insecurity?
  • Are you hoping to avoid further harm?
  • Do you take blame and responsibility for things that aren’t yours?
  • Is your reflex apology so entrenched, “I’m sorry,” comes out of your mouth before you even know what happened?

Next, create your own safety. Your safety (physical, mental, or emotional) can never be dependent on a narcissist. You must create it for yourself.

Finally, start breaking those old patterns.

When I work with clients to extract trauma, I often describe the trauma pattern as the path you take from the cabin to the lake. When you take the same path (apologizing when someone else hurts you) several times a day for decades, the path is so worn, it’s actually become a trench — a trench so deep that you cannot see out.

But there are several paths to the lake. Choose another. Walk a different path. See what happens.

You’re worth it.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How Do You Apologize to a Narcissist? and What Happens When You Stand Up to a Narcissist?

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Psychology
Relationships
Narcissism
Mental Health
Life Lessons
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