Summary

The article explains the consequences of confronting a narcissist and suggests ways to stand up for oneself without engaging in self-destructive behavior.

Abstract

When someone confronts a narcissist and tells them how awful they are, it only serves to give the narcissist more power and narcissistic supply. The narcissist will not change their behavior or acknowledge the truth in what the other person says. Instead, they will devalue, dismiss, and use the other person's words against them in the future. To stand up for oneself, the article suggests taking off the blinders and recognizing narcissistic behaviors, setting and enforcing solid boundaries, committing to honoring and respecting oneself, leaving the relationship, and committing to the lifelong journey of healing.

Opinions

Standing up to a narcissist by telling them how awful they are is self-destructive and gives them more power.
The narcissist will not change their behavior or acknowledge the truth in what the other person says.
It is important to recognize narcissistic behaviors, set and enforce solid boundaries, and commit to honoring and respecting oneself.
Leaving the relationship and committing to the lifelong journey of healing are essential steps to standing up for oneself.
The author suggests that the narcissist is not a playground bully and that one does not have to engage with them.
The author suggests that one should not take the narcissist's behavior personally, as it is a result of their own pain and trauma.
The author suggests that one should respond from a place of love, by loving oneself, and that this will lead to a deeper connection with the truth of who one is.
The author suggests that love triumphs over all.

What Happens When You Stand Up to a Narcissist?

And tell them what an awful human being they are?

Horse on a beach with blinders, Photo by rhoda alex on Unsplash

You give away your power. You take yourself further from wholeness and peace. You disconnect from yourself.

I realize this is counter intuitive.

Let’s first look at what happens to the narcissist

The narcissist gets a massive boost of narcissistic supply.

Why?

You’ve told them exactly what hurts you
You’ve shown them your insecurities
You’ve given them a big REACTION

The narcissist is RELEVANT. Talk about massive narcissistic supply!

And if they’re a covert, vulnerable narcissist, you’ve given them ample things to share with their flying monkeys as they play the victim in their disordered pursuit of even more supply.

Here’s what WILL happen when you tell the narcissist how awful they are:

They will say you are crazy
They will say you have anger issues
They will say you verbally attacked them
They will devalue you
They will dismiss what you have to say
They will use your words and actions against you in the future

Here’s what will not happen:

They will not apologize
They will not see the errors of their ways
They will not acknowledge any truth in what you speak
They will not change

Why? The narcissists disordered thinking prevents them from seeing things through your eyes. Their self-protective thoughts and behaviors do not allow for objectivity, even in the face of evidence.

The idea is right, the action wrong

Standing you for yourself is incredible.

Telling a narcissist they are an awful human being is not standing up for yourself. It’s self-destructive. The narcissist is not a playground bully, and you are not a grade-schooler required to go out for recess. You don’t have to engage. You have the choice to leave.

Blinders make a horse feel safe by preventing them from seeing things that may scare them. Their excellent vision is a defense mechanism that keeps them from being prey. The horse “blindly” trusts their handler.

You had blinders on, too. If a narcissist hurt you, it’s because you gave them your trust when it wasn’t deserved. You trusted them more than you trust yourself.

Fortunately — you are not a horse.

Here’s how you stand up for yourself

You take your blinders off and see the narcissist for who they are
You learn to recognize narcissistic behaviors like deflection, projection, blaming, weaponized incompetence, and gaslighting
You set and enforce solid boundaries
You commit to honoring and respecting yourself (without harming anyone else)
You get to know you so deeply you’re no longer confused
You leave the relationship
You commit to the lifelong journey of healing

The part that matters — YOU

When you are hurting, you to want to lash out, to show the narcissist how much they’ve hurt you. Your wounded spirit wants them to know you are not broken, they are. It’s natural.

And it’s a reaction from the wounded part of you. It’s your pain talking.

The narcissist is also wounded. Their actions are a result of their pain. Their trauma doesn’t excuse their behavior. It does help one understand it.

Think of it this way.

If you went to see your grandpa in the nursing home, he didn’t remember you, and started swinging at you, it would hurt. But you’d realize his dementia is out of his control. You wouldn’t think he was an awful human being. You’d take care of yourself, choosing to stay out of reach during your next visit.

If your 1-year-old child daughter yanked on your earring, it would hurt. You’d realize she is still learning social skills. Then, you’d set a clear boundary — No touching mom’s earrings.

If your child didn’t honor your boundaries (being developmentally unable) and continued to yank on your earrings, you’d stop wearing them. You’d find a way to keep yourself safe.

Choose to keep yourself safe now, to eliminate all contact with the narcissist (or at the very least set and enforce firm boundaries). Honor your power.

Then respond from a place of love, by loving YOU. (Your loving response may be loving yourself through the challenge of remaining no contact.) Love is real. It’s at the core of who you are. Love is your truth.

When you move from love, you connect more deeply with the truth of who you are. You grow stronger. You become whole. You feel peace.

Love triumphs over all.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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