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2099

Abstract

ight you into believing you’re wrong or that you never even raised the issue in the first place.</p><p id="5b32">Sound familiar?</p><p id="59b8"><b>Deflection</b></p><ul><li>You: I know you are lying to me.</li><li>CN: Oh yeah? Well, you lied to your mom about liking her lasagna. Maybe I should go tell her about that.</li></ul><p id="804b"><b>Denial</b></p><ul><li>You: You spent $300 on lunch at (CN’s favorite restaurant)</li><li>CN: No, I didn’t.</li><li>You: The credit card statement is right here. You went to lunch with Steve that day.</li><li>CN: Nope. That can’t be right.</li></ul><p id="f465"><b>Projection</b></p><ul><li>You: I’ve told you, I don’t want to go out Friday night.</li><li>CN: My gosh, you’re so controlling.</li></ul><p id="22e2"><b>Blame</b></p><ul><li>You: You put a pen in the laundry and our whites are covered in black ink.</li><li>CN: It’s your fault. You should check my pockets. That’s part of doing the laundry.</li></ul><p id="73c6"><b>Devalue</b></p><ul><li>You: We need to talk about this problem.</li><li>CN: Silent treatment</li></ul><p id="cd90"><b>Dismiss</b></p><ul><li>You: Look, you can’t keep spending this way. It’s not sustainable.</li><li>CN: Why do you have to focus on the past? Can’t we just move forward?</li></ul><p id="84e4"><b>Gaslighting</b></p><ul><li>You: Please stop lying to me. (In a calm manner)</li><li>CN: Why are you so angry? I’m not going to talk to you until you can calm down.</li></ul><h2 id="2e81">For the covert narcissist, this behavior is required</h2><p id="9735">The covert narcissist must transfer blame to you. Their wrongdoing does not fit with their vision of their idealized self. They have to preserve that image — even if in only their mind.</p><p id="05d5">They also need to assuage any shame they feel, if consciously aware of their wrongdoing. They do this by devaluing you — in their mind, making you less than they.</p><p id="0c17">Only then, do they feel safe.</p><p id="0155">The fact that you argue, defend yourself, or plead with them to see your viewpoint gives them narcissistic supply — an extra bonus

Options

.</p><p id="a83f">The covert narcissist has skillfully avoided taking responsibility and has made the experience of confronting them so unpleasant, it is less likely you will voice a concern in the future.</p><p id="ec0b"><b><i>Disclaimer: </i></b><i>This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.</i></p><p id="865c"><b>Dr Melissa Kalt, MD</b> is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, <a href="http://narclesslife.com/">3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist</a> and find information on working with her on <a href="https://melissakaltmd.com/">her website</a>.</p><p id="9b7b">Recommended for you: <a href="https://readmedium.com/why-do-you-the-victim-apologize-to-the-narcissist-2492d1e48208">Why Do You Apologize to the Narcissist?</a> and <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-is-gaslighting-b5331544b14b">What is Gaslighting?</a></p><p id="093b">Are you new to Medium and want to keep reading? <a href="https://medium.com/@MelissaKalt/membership">You can subscribe here</a> for as little as $5 a month for unlimited access.</p><div id="bdcf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@MelissaKalt/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*m3QTscMJuI-2lsD0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How Covert Narcissists Blame You When They’ve Done Something Terribly Wrong

These are their 7 go-to ways to end any argument.

You’ve experienced it, haven’t you?

You confront the covert narcissist about something they have clearly done, and suddenly, you are the one apologizing, feeling like you’re at fault.

Remember, the covert narcissist has internalized so much shame as a result of childhood trauma, they have created a false narrative, a false version of reality, in which their ideal self is in the starring role of both hero and victim.

They have groomed flying monkeys for decades. They have groomed you to see that false reality and their ideal self as truth.

You caught their slip

Now their mask has slipped. You have caught them using a dysfunctional behavior — lying, deflection, projection, blaming, triangulating, future faking, passive aggressive putdowns, or worse.

You call them out.

The covert narcissist will often use denial, deflection, and projection to end arguments when they’re called out for their behavior.

Denial is a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions
Deflection is a way to change the subject or divert attention away from themselves
Projection is a way to accuse you of doing or feeling what they have done or felt

The covert narcissist may also blame and devalue you for confronting them, or simply dismiss your concerns.

Blame is a way to fault you for their actions.
Devaluation and dismissal are ways to make you feel small and unimportant.

In some cases, the covert narcissist may even try to gaslight you into believing you’re wrong or that you never even raised the issue in the first place.

Sound familiar?

Deflection

You: I know you are lying to me.
CN: Oh yeah? Well, you lied to your mom about liking her lasagna. Maybe I should go tell her about that.

Denial

You: You spent $300 on lunch at (CN’s favorite restaurant)
CN: No, I didn’t.
You: The credit card statement is right here. You went to lunch with Steve that day.
CN: Nope. That can’t be right.

Projection

You: I’ve told you, I don’t want to go out Friday night.
CN: My gosh, you’re so controlling.

Blame

You: You put a pen in the laundry and our whites are covered in black ink.
CN: It’s your fault. You should check my pockets. That’s part of doing the laundry.

Devalue

You: We need to talk about this problem.
CN: Silent treatment

Dismiss

You: Look, you can’t keep spending this way. It’s not sustainable.
CN: Why do you have to focus on the past? Can’t we just move forward?

Gaslighting

You: Please stop lying to me. (In a calm manner)
CN: Why are you so angry? I’m not going to talk to you until you can calm down.

For the covert narcissist, this behavior is required

The covert narcissist must transfer blame to you. Their wrongdoing does not fit with their vision of their idealized self. They have to preserve that image — even if in only their mind.

They also need to assuage any shame they feel, if consciously aware of their wrongdoing. They do this by devaluing you — in their mind, making you less than they.

Only then, do they feel safe.

The fact that you argue, defend yourself, or plead with them to see your viewpoint gives them narcissistic supply — an extra bonus.

The covert narcissist has skillfully avoided taking responsibility and has made the experience of confronting them so unpleasant, it is less likely you will voice a concern in the future.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: Why Do You Apologize to the Narcissist? and What is Gaslighting?

Are you new to Medium and want to keep reading? You can subscribe here for as little as $5 a month for unlimited access.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

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