Does a Narcissist Look for You in Their New Supply?
Or are you a distant memory?
To a narcissist, there is no “you.”
You are not experienced as a person, someone with hopes, dreams, and desires. You are not experienced as someone who has feelings which can be hurt.
You are an object — an object that serves the narcissist’s needs.
The narcissist needs narcissistic supply, and can get it in one of two ways.
- Praise, admiration, respect, validation, attention
- Devaluing others
The narcissist also needs to preserve their false self, their false narrative, their persona.
Your devaluation prompts your replacement.
Once they have devalued you to the point that your praise, admiration, respect, validation, and attention are less valuable to them than another’s, they will make that person their primary source of supply.
This happens even faster if they feel your devalued self is lowering their status and hurting their false narrative.
For example,
- They have gaslit you to the point you are confused and seem crazy.
- They have told their flying monkeys how weak and pathetic you are.
- They have made you feel so insecure, you’re no longer comfortable talking to new people.
These characteristics are not attractive to the narcissist or the outside world. You’re no longer someone who makes them look good. Now you decrease their status.
Of course, even after the discard, they may still find ways to devalue you and continue to glean supply.
There is a comparison.
The narcissist is looking to devalue their new supply, too, so there will always be comparisons — not to you as a person (they don’t see you as one), but you as a producer of supply. You were trained to produce.
You were trained to know
- Just what to say to boost their ego
- How to soothe their greatest fears and insecurities
- How they like to be validated
- When they want positive or negative attention and give it accordingly
- How to ignore their lying
- How to become confused by their gaslighting
- How to apologize when they’ve wronged you
- How to suck up when they are punishing you
- How to devalue yourself by begging them to come back
The narcissist has taken for granted the benefits of your training. They invested time and effort, love bombing, devaluing, discarding you, again and again. They underestimated the amount of work this required.
If the narcissist is lucky, their new supply has been trained by someone else. Then training of the new person as a producer of narcissistic supply requires only refinement.
You set yourself apart.
If you are lucky (rather, empowered), you will undo your training, heal yourself, and never become someone else’s source of supply.
How do you choose empowerment?
- By no longer wanting to please others
- By no longer overlooking massive red flags
- By no longer sacrificing yourself for others
- By no longer wanting to “fix” or “save” others
- By no longer holding others in potential
- By refusing to accept blame for another’s actions
- By learning to set appropriate boundaries
- By feeling worthy of setting them
- By healing your feelings of shame and unworthiness
- By being present with your emotions and your needs
- By prioritizing your well-being
At that point you will become extremely valuable, to the narcissist and to yourself. Only, by then you will realize, your opinion is the only one that matters.
You no longer need external validation.
The narcissist’s attempts to hoover you are a nuisance, not a boost of self-esteem and self-worth.
At that point, you are finally free.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How to Set Healthy Boundaries and How Do Narcissists Choose Their Supply?
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