How Freaking Long Will a Narcissist Really Ignore You?
When hours or days feel like forever
You are in the midst of the silent treatment.
The narcissist in your life is ignoring you.
You’ve been through it before.
Or maybe it’s the first time.
In either case, it feels like forever.
You wish you knew what they were thinking.
- Will they talk to me again or is this it?
- How long will this last?
- Is there something I can do?
The pain of this question is equally matched by the pain of the answer
A narcissist will ignore you for as long as it serves them.
There are a few things you need to understand.
- A narcissist is driven, consciously or subconsciously, by the need for narcissistic supply.
- They gain narcissistic supply in two ways. 1) admiration, respect, validation, attention or 2) devaluing others
- The narcissist is inherently lazy and will seek maximal supply for minimal effort.
- Their behavior is chosen to serve them only.
- The narcissist doesn’t see you or anyone else as a human being with feelings, fears, hopes, or dreams. They see everyone as an object, a source of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist will ignore you for one of two reasons
- To punish you
- Because they’ve found a new source of supply
Why would the narcissist want to punish you?
- You called them out on a behavior.
- You set a boundary.
- You challenged their version of reality — noting their story just doesn’t make sense.
- You told them they hurt you.
- You asked them to change — to stop lying, stop putting you down, be accountable.
- You refused to lie for them.
- You look disappointed with them.
- You shared a concern about the relationship with one of their flying monkeys — sadly nearly everyone you know is one of their flying monkeys, even if you knew them first.
- You don’t see them as perfect.
- You seem confused and weak — not the strong person they first met.
- Your self-confidence and self-esteem are gone.
- You are obviously miserable.
- Your constant crying and withdrawn nature aren’t attractive to others.
- You’re no longer perfect in their eyes.
When you no longer see them as perfect, they must exert more effort to get narcissistic supply.
To fix this, they punish you — for as long as it takes for you to break down. When you beg them to come back, you devalue yourself, which gives them a boost of supply. They are inspired to be even more cruel with your next punishment.
When they don’t see you as perfect, your narcissistic supply is lower quality. They look for higher quality supply.
The narcissist has a new source of supply
In the beginning of any relationship, it’s pretty easy for the narcissist to get abundant, high-quality supply. They love bomb for a reason!
At this point, if they’re ignoring you, they’ve moved from one object to another. If that object isn’t what they’d hoped, they may come back to hoover you or they may choose another object.
Who knows?
Revel in the opportunity
The silver lining in the situation is you have the ability to take back your power, to choose to ignore them, to go no contact, to become indifferent, to VALUE yourself.
Choosing to be alone with you will bring you far greater happiness than choosing to be in a relationship with them.
You deserve happiness.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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