3 Harsh Reasons a Covert Narcissist Chooses to Ghost You
What happens if you just don’t react?
You’ve realized your partner is a covert narcissist.
They’ve ghosted you — again.
You wonder why they keep doing this. Do they just want to hurt you?
Even more you wonder how you should handle it this time. Nothing has worked before.
What if you just don’t react?
A covert narcissist will ghost you for one of 3 reasons
The covert narcissist doesn’t want their mask to slip
They are hurt, angry, and feeling shame, which tanks their self-esteem and ability to self-regulate their emotions. They know they will say or do something they will regret if they speak to you.
They are at risk of their mask slipping. The covert narcissist will seek narcissistic supply and emotional regulation from flying monkeys in your absence.
Do not for one second believe they are trying to protect you or be kind to you because they love you. Know that this behavior is calculated to keep you as a source of narcissistic supply.
They’ve been grooming you for months, years, decades and don’t want to start over with someone new.
The covert narcissist is conflict averse
They know they have hurt you or upset you and don’t want to discuss it. They will deny, deflect, project, and dismiss, if need be, but they’d rather ghost you until you forget about it or let it go.
If you beg them to talk to you and drop your issue without a discussion, their strategy has worked well.
Know that they do not feel badly for hurting or upsetting you. They are upset about how your feelings impact them. They want maximal supply for minimal effort and resolving conflict is simply too much work.
The covert narcissist wants to hurt and/or punish you
They know it hurts you when they ghost you. How? You’ve told them, time and again.
Each time you’ve tolerated this behavior and continued the relationship, they’ve felt power and control, they’ve received narcissistic supply.
The covert narcissist is angry about your talents and successes. They feel so much rage inside, hurting you or punishing you only seems fair.
What if you don’t react to it?
If you don’t react, the covert narcissist will continue to use you for narcissistic supply. This is entirely for their benefit, not yours.
They will avoid opportunities for you to see who they truly are, choosing to continue to deceive you, because they fear if you know who they are, you will leave. By deceiving you, they take away your choice regarding whether you want to be with them.
The covert narcissist will avoid any discussions regarding how their behavior hurts you. They will avoid any future attempts to improve communication or the relationship. They will prioritize their laziness over your happiness and satisfaction with the relationship.
They will escalate their tactics to hurt and punish you. You’ve just shown them this one doesn’t work. There are many ways they can sabotage and undermine you.
The question that should be asked instead — Why are you willing to stay with them?
Why are you willing to stay with someone who wishes to…
- Deceive you and prevent you from seeing who they are?
- Avoid taking responsibility for causing you pain?
- Avoid improving the relationship?
- Hurt and punish you for any reason?
Under no circumstances are these desires acceptable.
The best way to not react is to walk away.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Will a Covert Narcissist Regret Discarding Their Long-Term Supply? and Two Insidious Reasons a Narcissist Will Always Despise Their Partner.