Will a Covert Narcissist Regret Discarding Their Long-Term Supply?
Do they even realize what they’ve lost?
Your relationship has ended.
You feel betrayed, deeply hurt.
You gave decades of your life to this person — and now they’re gone.
You agonize over the things you said, the things you did.
You wonder –If only…
- I worked harder to make them feel safe and loved.
- I proved to them I could be trusted.
- I gave them everything they wanted.
- I got us into counseling sooner.
- I realized they were struggling.
You feel regret and lots of it. Regret about
- Not realizing who they were sooner.
- Getting married too fast.
- Being deceived from the beginning.
- Not being good enough to help them change.
- Not trying harder to make things work.
- Trying too hard to make things work.
- Staying too long.
- Giving away the best years of your life.
- Having children with this person.
You wonder if they feel regret, too.
Processing the loss of a relationship
Let’s consider the meaning of regret.
According to the Oxford Dictionary, regret is feeling sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
It’s common to assign behavioral expectations to neurotypical people. Regret is one of them.
When someone has been in a long-term relationship and it ends, we expect
- They treat the other with love and respect.
- Are honest and accountable for their role in the relationship.
- Offer some degree of closure.
- Separate peacefully and considerately.
If the decision to end the relationship was hasty and not mutual, we expect them to feel some regret or remorse, to wish they’d done things differently, to want a do over.
Covert narcissists don’t experience regret in this traditional sense
Covert narcissists are not neurotypical. They don’t feel or behave in this expected way.
The covert narcissist sees everything through the lens of their disorder. They are subconsciously driven by the need for
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their persona/idealized self and their false version of reality
They surround themselves with people who do this for them, who reflect back to them their false narrative, who with everything in them, believe it to be true.
This is absolutely required in a covert narcissist’s partner. The covert narcissist is so desperate to avoid the deep shame and fear related to who they really are that they require someone to
- Constantly support their fragile ego.
- Regulate their emotions, so they maintain a steady level of self-esteem.
- Provide attention, validation, and admiration.
The ONE THING that guarantees a discard
A covert narcissist is not likely to initiate a discard of a long-term relationship unless ONE thing happens — their mask slips.
As soon as you’ve seen who they really are, you are of zero value to them. You have seen the self they’ve hidden from the world for the decades. It’s impossible for you to unsee it. You know who they are.
At this point, they must discard you or, if they’re financially or otherwise insecure, they will torture you until you discard them.
In either case, it’s over and they’re not looking back.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What Signs Reveal a Covert Narcissist is Preparing to Devalue and Discard? and What One Thing Leads to a Covert Narcissist’s Final Discard?