What Signs Reveal a Covert Narcissist is Preparing to Devalue and Discard?
When will the honeymoon be over?
While the devaluation and discard stages often overlap for an overt narcissist, not so with a covert narcissist.
The devaluation stage begins almost immediately with a covert narcissist, though you won’t likely recognize it as such.
Why?
Because subconsciously, the covert narcissist feels intense shame and fear about who they are.
Long ago, as a manner of self-protection, they created their idealized self, their false persona, and the fantasy reality they’ve presented to the world since. Their false, idealized self believes they are better than you. The covert narcissist believes they are more special, more entitled, and more deserving of attention.
The fact that you are more successful, more attractive, more intelligent, and more connected makes them furious. While outwardly they are delighted you elevate their status, internally they are holding back intense rage.
This rage comes out in your devaluation — long before you ever notice it.
Devaluation signs you won’t notice
- Devaluing you to flying monkeys — lying, blameshifting, and playing the victim and/or hero
- Triangulation — notice any conflicts with their mom, sister, or best friend? Likely they are triangulating the two of you, yet neither of you is any the wiser.
- Sabotage — destroying your things, ruining a special occasion with a “misunderstanding,” “accidentally” hanging up on your biggest client
- Undermining your competence — making statements that on the surface appear supportive, but lower your self-esteem and self-confidence
Early devaluation signs you might notice
- Lying to others about big or small things
- Asking you to corroborate their lies, which devalues you and places you in the position of calling them out or shifting out of integrity
- Passive-aggressive putdowns
- Blameshifting, deflection, or projection to avoid taking responsibility
- Giving you gifts that devalue you
- False apologies
- Being late for things that matter to you (a type of sabotage)
A great deal of time passes between devaluation and the discard stage with a covert narcissist. They are in the relationship for the long haul, hoping to recoup their investment of time and effort in you by way of long-term narcissistic supply.
The beginning of the end
For both of you, the discard stage sneaks up on you. The covert narcissist doesn’t see it coming any more than you do.
One moment, they’re perfectly happy devaluing you for narcissistic supply. Next thing you know, their mask slips, you see who they really are, and they are terrified. Their persona and false narrative are threatened, and you are to blame.
You’ve betrayed them by not seeing their idealized self as real, by suggesting they’re the type of person who lies, who lacks accountability. In that moment, you have become the enemy. Their idealized self is fighting for its very survival.
It may take some time for the covert narcissist to leave or to torture you long enough that you leave, but the relationship ended in that moment.
Discard has begun and there’s no going back.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Does a Covert Narcissist Hope the Relationship is Forever? and What Makes a Covert Narcissist Regret Leaving You?
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