Two Insidious Reasons a Narcissist Will Always Despise Their Partner
And, more importantly, what you can do about it
It’s hard enough to accept that the narcissist doesn’t love you, never loved you.
It’s even harder to see the rage and hate in their eyes — it’s as if they despise you.
You think of all the things you’ve done for them — the meals you’ve made, children you raised, financial and other resources you’ve provided.
You think about the love and care you’ve shown them — the support you provided when their mom died, your lack of judgment when they lost their job, the way you defended them to your family and friends.
Do they really despise you?
Sadly, yes, but it has nothing to do with you.
When you realize the narcissist in your life despises, rather than loves you, it’s easy to feel like something is wrong with you. This is even easier to believe it because the narcissist has been leading you down this path since day one.
Being hyper-responsible, you believe you are responsible for their feelings.
- I’m not good enough for them
- I couldn’t give them what they wanted or needed
- It’s my fault the relationship isn’t working.
- I can’t seem to make anyone happy.
- I guess I’m not exactly relationship material.
- I can’t hold on to any man/woman.
This is quite the story you’ve internalized, but the reality is, it has nothing to do with you.
The narcissist would despise any partner.
Why? Because they despise themselves.
The narcissist feels so much shame about who they are, they’ve created their persona to show themselves and the world instead.
They have to live life by playing a character rather than being themselves, because this self-loathing runs so deep.
The narcissist is too fragile to deal with their self-loathing. It’s far easier to loathe and despise you.
Reason #1: The narcissist will despise you for things you have that they wish they had.
- Confidence
- Self-esteem
- Success
- Drive
- Inspiration
- Assertiveness
- Attractiveness
- Resources
- Presence
- Healthy relationships
- Joy
They will do anything they can to take those things away. It’s sort of a “If I can’t have it, no one can,” mentality.
- The narcissist will erode your confidence and self-esteem by devaluing you.
- They will sabotage or undermine your success and relationships.
- They will take your resources (or belittle you for having them).
- They will accuse you of putting your career ahead of your relationships.
- They will shoot down your inspirations and dreams.
- They will accuse you of being bossy.
- They will confuse you so severely that you live in the past or future, but not the present.
- They will sabotage special occasions to steal your joy.
Reason #2: The narcissist will also despise you for the things they despise about themselves.
- Insecurity
- Uncertainty
- Indecisiveness
- Nervousness
- Scarcity
Say the narcissist feels uncertain about what to do in their relationships. They say, “Are you sure you want to call her? Maybe she needs some space.” You don’t call.
Do you see what’s happening here? The narcissist projects their uncertainty onto you, then when you’re uncertain, they despise you for this characteristic they loathe about themselves.
Say the narcissist is insecure about their weight. They say, “Are you comfortable going out in that dress? Your arms aren’t exactly ready for sleeveless.” You change clothes.
The narcissist projects their insecurity onto you, you take their insecurity and act on it, and then they despise you for it.
Say the narcissist feels they’ll never have enough money, will never get ahead. They say, “I’m surprised you bought that new laptop. I’d never spend money on that for myself.” You second-guess your purchase, feeling like maybe you should’ve chosen differently. You wonder if it was really irresponsible, even though you need it for business and your business paid for it.
The narcissist projects their scarcity onto you. You not only accept it, but you internalize it. Then they despise you for that scarcity.
What can you do about it?
- Learn to recognize the narcissist’s projections: Then stop owning and internalizing them.
- Leave all relationships with those who despise you: You deserve better.
- Commit to healing: Realize that your hyper-responsibility, your people-pleasing, your willingness to be devalued is a result of trauma. Commit to releasing it.
- Connect deeply to the truth of who you are: When you are deeply connected to you, you become unwilling to accept and internalize toxic projections. Without buying into their story about who you are, you remain rock solid, you become antifragile.
When you’ve completed these steps, you’ve set yourself free.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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