What Exactly Does a Covert Narcissist Want in a Relationship?
Their subconscious desires run the show
You feel you’ve given your partner everything they could possibly want.
You’ve given them everything YOU want in a relationship.
- Love
- Compassion
- Attention
- Support
- Empathy
You want to share your life with them. You want to grow old together.
They seem to have a whole other set of wants and needs.
Understanding the relationship goals of a covert narcissist
On the surface, the covert narcissist wants what you want.
They want to be loved, honored and cherished.
They want to feel supported and understood.
They want a forever partner, someone to grow old with.
These are the things the covert narcissist KNOWS they want.
Then there are the things they SUBCONSCIOUSLY want.
What the covert narcissist KNOWS they want
Elevation of their status — Being with someone bright, attractive, successful, wealthy, connected, funny, or talented makes them feel special and of higher value, than they felt on their own.
Resources — The covert narcissist desires access to financial or other resources they otherwise don’t have. They feel entitled to these resources.
Loyalty — They expect you to confirm their stories (even when you know they’re untrue), to eliminate relationships with your friends and exes, to put the covert narcissist before everything.
Respect for their Boundaries — The covert narcissist expects you to not look at their phone, their desk, their computer or anything else they don’t want you to see. They expect you to not talk when they are watching TV or not talk to others by phone when they’re home.
Unconditional Trust — They expect you to not ask too many questions and to blindly accept everything they say, regardless of how ridiculous.
To Be Right Always — The covert narcissist believes they are always right. Sometimes they even say it. “I’m right. Don’t you agree?” or “If only you were educated on this subject, you would agree with me.”
To Win at Everything — Whether it’s closing a tough client or beating a 5-year-old grandson at Tic-Tac-Toe, they want to win at everything.
Compliance — They expect you to not rock the boat, to shut up and be who they want you to be, from cleaning to sex to not challenging their obvious lies.
Power and Control — Much like winning, they want to be in control. A covert narcissist may want to make it look like you are in control, but they want to be the puppetmaster.
What the narcissist SUBCONSCIOUSLY wants
Regulation of their emotions — This is key. The covert narcissist is unable to regulate their own emotions. Emotional dysregulation results in their plummeting self-esteem and an extraordinary amount of shame. They expect you to prevent this from ever happening. And if they feel low self-esteem and shame, regardless of the reason, it is your fault.
Narcissistic Supply — Like blood to a vampire, the covert narcissist requires supply for survival. They will do anything to get and keep it.
Attention — They want to be the center of attention, be it through catching you, outdoing their friends, self-deprecating stories, or having yet another talk about their hurtful or irresponsible behavior. Positive or negative doesn’t matter. Attention is attention.
Validation — The covert narcissist wants confirmation that their thoughts, words, and actions are correct. They want your approval. They want to feel that deep down they are worthy of existence.
Admiration and Praise — They want you to see them as unique, special, and a catch. They want to hear they did a great job, even when they didn’t. They want others to see them as a hero.
Victim Status — The covert narcissist wants to be seen as the victim in every story. They want others to see that they’re treated poorly in every relationship, treated unfairly at work, get a bad rap from their family. Bonus points if they’re seen as both the victim and the hero.
Confirmation of Their False Reality — They want you to confirm this reality to them and to the world. This validates the false narrative they’ve crafted since childhood. Not only are they gaslighting others, but they are also gaslighting themselves.
The covert narcissist’s greatest desire
The covert narcissist believes they have normal thought patterns, hopes, and desires. They believe everyone feels like they do. They believe their goals in the relationship are the same as yours. They believe they deserve to be happy.
The covert narcissist also believes they want to work on the relationship, develop great communication patterns, and meet your needs.
They are UNAWARE of their subconscious needs and motivations.
They are often unaware they are lying. They are telling the story they wish was true. They see you as cruel for saying otherwise.
Their greatest desire is for you to see them as the person they want to be.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What if You Give a Covert Narcissist Everything They Want? and Does a Covert Narcissist Hope the Relationship is Forever?
