How can a narcissist give you the silent treatment for 6 months, then contact you as if nothing happened?
Narcissists have a very fragile sense of self. They don’t know who they are, only how they want to be seen. Narcissists play the lead role in the movie of their life. Those in supporting roles move in and out of the narcissist’s life, but the relationships aren’t real. The only thing that matters to the narcissist is looking good.
Narcissists are unable to make themselves look good in traditional ways. They lack the internal resources to fuel their own body and actions. As such, narcissists are motivated entirely by obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply to a narcissist is like blood to a vampire. They have to have it.
Narcissists receive supply in two ways
First, they receive it through admiration, praise, even adoration.
Second, they receive supply through power and control over another.
Someone who wants to keep a narcissist in their life might think option one is a great approach. Unfortunately, it just won’t work long term for two reasons. Narcissists want admiration and praise from someone they perceive as the highest value. Adoration from someone they see as far below them doesn’t carry much weight.
1. There is always someone younger, better looking, more successful, more connected, wealthier, etc.
2. They continuously devalue their targets, so even if you are the best of the best, so to speak, they see you as less than, and will discount the supply
Changing the movie
When the narcissist doesn’t like how the movie is going (their life), they change it, either in the present moment or in the past. Changing it in the present moment includes discarding current targets and replacing them with new sources of supply. Changing it in the past includes rewriting history, changing the narrative of what has happened, and believing the new version is true. In their minds, history has been changed.
A narcissist may give you the silent treatment for 6 months for a few reasons
First, they may have discarded you, traded you in for a new source of supply. Because they didn’t see you or care about you as a person, only an object providing supply, they are entirely unaware of how abrupt and painful it may feel to be on the other end. And to be fair, even if they knew, they wouldn’t care.
Second, the silent treatment is a way of punishing and devaluing you. If they are aware that it is distressing to you, it gives them supply by way of power and control. Every text, voicemail, or DM that goes unanswered gives them supply. Hearing from a friend of a friend that you are confused and hurting gives them supply.
Narcissist relationships and the phase change
A relationship with a narcissist goes through three phases — love bombing, devaluing, and discarding. Aside from starting with love bombing, these phases are not sequential. Rather, the relationship moves from one to another and back again rather fluidly and entirely controlled by the narcissist in the way that maximizes receiving supply.
In this case, the narcissist has shifted from devaluing/discarding through the silent treatment to love bombing — attempting to reconnect as if nothing has happened. This is an attempt to get more supply from you or, if the narcissist feels you no longer care, as a way of keeping you around for back up supply.
This only works if you let it.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.