How Can I Be Certain I’m Not a Vulnerable Narcissist?

The question asked by every victim of narcissistic abuse.

I know the pain of this question.

I’ve felt the agony of not knowing the answer.

If you’re asking yourself this question, know that it’s common for narcissist victims to ask themselves this very thing — sometimes several times per day.

It’s very confusing when you’ve been gaslit for a long time. You’ve been trained to believe something is wrong with you.

And for many, your willingness to believe it didn’t start with this relationship. You developed codependent traits in childhood.

Those codependent traits make you…

• Feel intense shame
• Seek acceptance, approval, and love from others
• Feel the need to control your environment
• Have difficulty setting boundaries
• A people-pleaser
• Extremely loyal — even at your own risk
• Disconnected from your emotions and needs

Here’s where it gets confusing. Most narcissists are codependent, too.

People used to think narcissists and codependents were on opposite ends of the same spectrum. Not true.

• So is your perfectionism seeking approval out of codependency? Or is it a need to feel superior due to narcissism?
• Is your controlling nature a narcissistic desire for power and control or is it an attempt to control any aspect of your life, when it feels out of control?
• Is your people-pleasing designed to gain love, acceptance, and approval as a codependent or are you a vulnerable, covert narcissist?

Given the narcissists and flying monkeys in your life tell you something is wrong with you, it would be unusual for you not to ask this question.

When I struggled with this question, I asked myself 9 questions to give me the answer. You can read that full article here:

1. Do you have a strong sense of self? Do you know who you are?

2. Are you empathic? Do you feel and understand what others are feeling?

3. Do you tell the truth? Are you willing to own your mistakes?

4. Do you have inner strength?

5. Do you have self-restraint?

6. Are you self-reflective?

7. Do you use self-reflection to get to know yourself better?

8. Are you committed to personal growth?

9. Are you self-responsible? Do you take responsibility for your own actions?

A narcissist would never ask if they were a narcissist. They believe they are their idealized self and that everyone else has the problem.

If you answer yes to some or many of these questions, you are not the narcissist.

Upon further reflection, I would add these 3 questions…

Do you speak to throw someone under the bus or to stand in the truth?

I used to not understand the difference. The truth was so horrible, I thought sharing it was throwing the other person under the bus. Not true.

Throwing someone under the bus is for the purpose harming them, making them look bad. That is the intent.

Speaking the truth is for the purpose of providing clarity and healing for all. The intent is to bring goodness to the world.

Here’s an example.

• A victim shares their experience with their friends and family as a way of processing out loud, asking for and receiving support, and bringing clarity to those involved.
• A vulnerable narcissist shares their false narrative with their friends and family as a way of getting out ahead of the victim, controlling the narrative, and preserving their made-up version of reality.

Are you stuck in victim mode?

I get it. It’s tough not to feel like a victim when someone continues to victimize you, either in day-to-day life, in court, or in the court of public opinion.

And if it goes on for long enough, your identity becomes one of a victim. It can be hard to let that go.

Yet, if you’re able to let it go, to see the positives in your life, to see the silver lining in your experience, you’re not a vulnerable narcissist.

Are you able to experience another’s joy?

Many vulnerable narcissists believe they are empathic because they can sense another’s pain. This is subconsciously predatory, not that they UNDERSTAND what the other is feeling.

A vulnerable narcissist will not truly feel another’s joy. When another has massive success at work, lands the dream job, starts dating their ideal partner, buys a flashy new car, or buys their dream home, the narcissist is jealous and feels diminished.

They will respond with subtle sabotage, subtle passive-aggressive putdowns, illness, or injury to bring that person down.

If you feel genuine excitement and happiness for another’s good fortune, you are not a vulnerable narcissist.

This painful question is truly a gift.

It’s shining a spotlight on aspects of yourself yet to be healed.

If you complete step 3 (of 5, and where most people stop) on the journey from narcissist victim to antifragile narcissist survivor, you’ll sit with this question and this pain the rest of your life.

When you complete steps 4 and 5, there’s no longer a question and the pain and agony disappear.

I help people with steps 1, 4, and 5. To find out where you’re at and what comes next, join me at narclesslife.com.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

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