Am I a Narcissist?

9 Questions to Put Your Mind at Ease

Do you worry you might be a narcissist? Has someone told you that you are? It hurts me a little bit to even say those words, because for so long, I asked myself that very question.

Does this sound familiar?

You cry from the emotional abuse. They say you are manipulative. You wonder if that’s true.

You state reality, yet they insist it isn’t true. You wonder if you’re going crazy or if you’re the one gaslighting.

You set boundaries. They say you’re controlling. You wonder if you just don’t see it.

They push you to the breaking point. You scream and yell in response. You beat yourself up for days for losing it.

It’s a question every survivor asks

It’s very common for the victim or survivor of a narcissist to question whether they are the narcissist. And part of the reason it is so common, almost universal, is because the last thing in the world we would want is to be manipulative. The last thing we would want is to be dishonest or exploitative. The last thing we would want is to be someone who takes away another’s free will and exerts control over them. We know what it feels like!

I understand this question all too well. I’ve asked myself this question thousands of times.

Look me in the eyes. Listen to my words. If you are asking this question, you are not the narcissist. The fact that you are concerned about others and are self-reflective is incongruent with narcissism. Narcissists are not self-reflective. They will never ask themselves this question.

Accepting this answer is hard for someone like you, someone like me, who is committed to personal growth and development, to loving the world, to being in service to those around us. We want to be absolutely certain.

These 9 questions give you certainty

This is the list of questions I asked myself every time that ugly question reared its head. My husband quickly memorized them and would ask me every time I started down that rabbit hole. May they give you the same peace.

1. Are you an empath? Do you feel what others are feeling? Can you put yourself in another’s shoes? Do you cry with or for a loved one? Do movies and stories in the news affect you?

2. Do you tell the truth? Are you willing to be honest and vulnerable with others? Do you own your mistakes?

3. Do you have a sense of Self? Do you know who you are? If you’ve been gaslit for some time that can become foggy, so did you have a strong sense of self in the past? Do you feel a sense of connection to something greater than yourself, to the Divine, to your Soul?

4. Do you have inner strength? Are you able to draw on your strength, your Divine connection to the universe?

5. Do you have self-restraint? Are you able to filter your thoughts before speaking? Are you able to calm your own triggers, so that you respond out of love rather than react out of fear?

6. Are you self-reflective? Look, you’re self-reflective because you’re asking this question. Do you seek to observe your thoughts and behaviors?

7. Through self-reflection, do you get to know yourself better? Do you develop insights about yourself? Do you use that knowledge to grow and evolve? This is a power question because it includes your sense of self, self-reflection, and personal growth.

8. Are you committed to personal growth? Do you seek more than just getting through the day? Do you desire to grow and evolve over the next 10, 20, 30 or more years?

9. Do you take responsibility for your own actions? Do you apologize and mean it? Do you own your mistakes?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you are NOT a narcissist. Let that sink in for a minute.

Now type, “I am not a narcissist” in the comments. Type it. Say it. Own it. “I am not a narcissist.” Then share this with someone else who needs to hear the same message.

Becoming antifragile

PS. You may have noticed I said questions I asked myself — past tense. In my work as a narcissist survivor and with other narcissist survivors, I’ve learned to extract the trauma and rise above the chaos. I’ve become antifragile. It is possible. I invite you to become antifragile, too.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.