24 Examples of Future-Faking So Hurtful They’ll Make You Sick
This is one of the most manipulative tools in a narcissist’s toolkit
Narcissists are known for consciously or subconsciously taking low blows. They manipulate others to get what they want, to alleviate their deep-seated shame, to protect their persona.
Future faking takes the cake.
Future-faking is when a narcissist or other toxic person promises to fulfill your heartfelt desire in the future to get something they want in the present.
They have no intent to deliver on that promise.
The narcissist future-fakes you for two reasons…
- To reinforce the lens for how you see them, preserving their persona
- To gain narcissistic supply
The narcissist uses future-faking to keep you tethered within arm’s reach
The narcissist tells you they’ll…
- Call you later, then doesn’t call
- Pick you up for a date at 5 pm, then is lying around at 4 pm when they live 3 hours away
- Check their calendar for a date to get together, then never get back to you
- Ask you to marry them, when you’re ready to leave them and move on
The bottom line is the narcissist has no intention of doing any of those things. They don’t want to put in the effort. They also don’t want to say that out loud.
The narcissist uses future-faking to showcase their idealized self
The narcissist tells you they will…
- Come for a visit (from out of state), but doesn’t
- Plan a weekend getaway for the two of you, but doesn’t
- Bring you your favorite Starbucks drink, but then “forgets”
- Take you on a trip for your birthday (picture of Bali in your card), then never does
- Buy you something extravagant for Christmas (they give you a picture and say they want you to pick the color, style, etc), then never buys it
The narcissist in that present moment appears friendly, approachable, generous, interested. This is the way they want you to see their idealized self. This is the way they want others to see them, too.
They also gain supply by exerting power and control over you — knowing you’re dressed and ready for a date when they’re not coming, knowing you’re waiting for them to call, having you ask again and again about that weekend getaway, not giving you a Christmas gift at all.
The narcissist uses future-faking to strengthen your trauma bond, then control you
They excitedly suggest they partner with you to…
- Save for a new home
- Take a bucket-list trip to Paris
- Plan your wedding
They talk about the future in grand detail. What your house will look like, training a new dog once you have a yard, even your future kids’ names. They share your image of the perfect trip, the perfect wedding, whatever it is they believe you desire most.
Next thing you know, you’re working two jobs to fulfill your end of this deal — something you believe both of you deeply desire. They are taking trips to Vegas with their friends, buying new clothes, and spending all disposable outcome, without saving a penny.
The narcissist has used your heart and its greatest desires to control you.
The narcissist uses future-faking to avoid or end a conflict
They will promise…
- To stop lying, then continue to lie
- To rein in their spending, then spend more
- To put in more effort with the relationship, then be more distant
- To get up with the baby next time, then not get up pretending to be deeply asleep
- To get a job and contribute financially, then make zero effort to find one
- To stop drinking, then will drink secretly, hiding bottles throughout the house
- To end their other sexual relationship(s), then continue to cheat
The narcissist consciously or subconsciously KNOWS your heart is fully invested in this relationship. You want the relationship to work. You want them to change. They want to end the conversation.
Depending on the narcissist, they gain a lot of supply when you devalue yourself by believing these promises, when history clearly says they can’t be trusted.
The narcissist uses future-faking to get something they want
They will…
- Ask you to support them financially until they get their “big break”
- Ask you to pay for all household expenses while they save for your big vacation
- Tell you you’re the perfect candidate for a promotion you want that never comes
- Offer to make an important connection if you provide household and assistant services for free
- Promise a big contract if they like work you provide for free
The narcissist gets you to work for free (either earning money and providing financial resources or by doing things for them directly) for the promise of a better future that will never come.
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
Think of…
- The Nigerian prince who promises to send you millions of dollars if you send thousands to help him now.
- The snake oil salesman who promises the fountain of youth for $10 now
- The broker who promises huge future returns on a Ponzi scheme investment today
This is future-faking at its finest.
What if you could learn to recognize future-faking in those you love?
- Do they promise something in the future to get a certain response, action, or emotion from you now?
- Do they take action toward fulfilling that promise?
- How do they respond to requests for status updates?
- Do they blame you for being greedy or selfish for asking?
- Do they make excuses?
- Do they ultimately deliver on their promise?
Don’t fall for the Nigerian prince scam at home.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: 22 Ways a Narcissist Offers a False Apology and 33 Covert Narcissist Put-Downs, So Nearly Imperceptible You Just Might Miss Them
