22 Ways a Narcissist Offers a False Apology
Narcissists are masters of the non-apology, or the false apology
They offer something that sounds much like an apology, but you’re left feeling things are unresolved. Occasionally, you’re left feeling worse than before receiving their so-called apology.
Why?
The narcissist offers words designed to have an intended effect. They don’t actually acknowledge or regret any wrongdoing. They apologize when it positively impacts them.
First, let’s consider a true apology
A true apology includes acknowledgement of their wrongdoing, ownership of their actions, and awareness of how their behavior has impacted you.
It includes an “I” statement to take ownership and a “you” statement to acknowledge how their behavior has impacted you. When necessary, it includes an attempt to repair the wrong.
- I’m sorry I hurt you.
- I’m sorry I worried you.
- I’m sorry I broke your vase. I know it was special to you and would like to replace it.
To be truly accountable, one may offer an explanation, but not an excuse. An excuse is designed to avoid accountability.
You can discern explanation from excuse by looking after the because.
“I only said that because you made me so angry,” is an excuse.
“I snapped at you because I’m hangry and I’m sorry,” is an explanation with an apology.
The narcissist’s non-apology comes in 3 different shapes and sizes.
#1 The apology without an actual apology
This one is the overt narcissist’s go-to non-apology. Their lips move without any meaningful attempt at repairing the relationship.
- I’m sorry you’re upset.
- I’m sorry. I forgot you can’t take a joke.
- I’m sorry you heard me wrong.
- I’m sorry you don’t remember that conversation.
- I’m sorry you misunderstood.
- I’m sorry you’re so angry.
- I’m sorry you’re unable to hear me right now.
- I’m sorry we’re not getting anywhere with this conversation.
You get the idea. There is zero accountability here. These non-apologies are all about blaming you or pointing out your perceived inadequacies.
#2 The covert narcissist’s subtle false apology
This one is so subtle it actually sounds like an apology yet doesn’t leave you feeling validated or understood.
- I’m sorry I overreacted. I was over-tired.
- I’m sorry I dropped the ball. I wasn’t at my best today.
- I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again.
- I’m sorry. I forgot.
- I’m sorry. I can’t do anything about the past. Can we move on?
- I’m sorry I didn’t get it done. I wasn’t feeling well today.
- I’m sorry I took the car without asking. I needed to get to work.
These sound pretty good, right? Wrong. There is no “you” statement. They do not acknowledge how their actions have impacted YOU.
Without understanding their impact on you, it’s impossible to validate your feelings and offer a true apology.
Moreover, the covert narcissist offers lip service only. They don’t repair their wrongs. They repeat the same offense within minutes, hours, or days.
Their actions don’t match their words.
#3 The sympathy-evoking false-apology
This one is also used by covert narcissists as a way of deflection. It follows this typical sequence.
- Covert narcissist wrongs you.
- You communicate your hurt.
- Covert narcissist offers a pseudo-apology that takes the heat off them, allows them to avoid accountability, and ends with you comforting them.
- I’m sorry I’m not who you want me to be.
- I’m sorry I don’t make you happy.
- I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.
- I’m sorry I can’t seem to do anything right.
- I’m sorry I just can’t figure this out.
- I’m sorry I’m so stupid.
- I’m sorry I don’t live up to your expectations.
They end up receiving narcissistic supply in the form of sympathy from their non-apology.
Discerning true from false
You’ve been wronged.
- Does the other person own their actions with an “I” statement?
- Do they acknowledge the impact of their actions on you with an appropriate “you” statement?
- Do they repair the wrong when possible?
It’s not so hard to recognize true from false when you know how to listen.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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