How Do Narcissists Feel When You Aren’t Triggered by Their Hurtful Behavior?
Confusion, desperation, and fury drive these 6 reactions
Consciously or subconsciously, narcissists love to trigger you. This gives them an abundant narcissistic supply. They feel powerful, in control, and relevant.
The narcissist loves feeling the power to…
- Make you cry
- Make you yell
- Make you emotionally dysregulated
- Cause your insomnia
- Impair your work productivity
- Disrupt your life
When life circumstances cause their self-esteem to fall, even severely free fall as in a narcissistic collapse, triggering you is their standard go-to supply generator.
For many narcissists, this happens entirely subconsciously. They believe their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are normal — or at the very least, justified.
What happens when they try to trigger you and you don’t react?
When a narcissist tries to trigger you, they are jonesing for supply. Unless they are a malignant narcissist, it’s not something they consciously do just for fun.
Your lack of reaction is not what they expected. It’s not what they counted on. It’s not what they need.
#1 The narcissist feels confused
When you don’t react, the narcissist feels deeply confused. They’ve been trained by you to know that certain behaviors work.
The narcissist knows that when they…
- Make a comment about your weight, you eat only lettuce for 3 days
- Leave a picture with another woman up on their computer, you go into a jealous rage
- Call you weak, pathetic (whatever triggers you most), you sob for hours
- Ignore you, you scream or beg for a response
- Hide your slippers, you lose your sh*t about people moving your things
- Weaponize incompetence, you cry in frustration or yell at them to change
- Lead you to believe you’re not good enough, you start a downward spiral for days
- Imply you’re not providing enough resources for your family, you perform poorly at work
Suddenly, their go-to moves don’t work anymore. They’re not just confused. They’re stunned. It’s like up is down and down is up.
#2 The confused narcissist tries to trigger you again
This one lacks imagination. Same behavior, same intensity, old expected result.
The narcissist puts forth the attitude…
- “You must not have heard me. Let me insult you again.”
- “You must not have seen the pic yet. Let me leave it up a bit longer.”
- “You must not have noticed your ruined laundry. Give it time.”
#3 The narcissist ups their (often subconscious) game
By now, the narcissist is feeling more desperate. They need narcissistic supply.
The narcissist…
- Finds new things to criticize
- Moves the bar regarding their expectations
- Intensifies the sting to their comments
- Makes more comments intended to induce jealousy
- Raises their voice or is physically intimidating
This can be a dangerous place to be. The narcissist is in their own downward spiral and needs to get a response. The narcissist requires that narcissistic supply.
They will escalate and escalate until they get their desired response. The only alternative is to get supply elsewhere.
#4 The desperate narcissist will get supply elsewhere
If the narcissist has not gotten the required response and boost of narcissistic supply, they will seek supply elsewhere.
This may mean disappearing for days to spend time with another source of supply. Or for a covert narcissist, it may mean leaning on their flying monkeys for support, telling story upon story about how terrible you are.
At this point, they are so desperate, they simply must have it.
#5 The now furious narcissist will punish you
If you’ve not left and gone no contact by this point, the narcissist is sure to punish you. They will punish you for not being the person they thought you were, for letting them down, for not responding as they expected, for not providing adequate supply.
They will use classic blame-shifting. In their mind, their unkind words and actions are your fault, are justified because of the person you are.
The narcissist will punish you with…
- A silent treatment
- More put downs
- Sabotage of an opportunity
- Breaking something dear to you
- Weaponized incompetence
- Gaslighting
- Going to your friends/family with their “concerns”
They want to ensure you don’t make this mistake again.
#6 When you’ve been punished enough to leave, the narcissist hoovers you
They simply can’t afford to lose your supply. Even if you drop to the secondary or tertiary position, your supply is a key resource they need.
Their hoover will be in full force until you acquiesce, at which time they resume devaluing you.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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