Summary

The provided content outlines the predictable relationship patterns of covert narcissists, detailing the stages of idealization, devaluation, and discard, and contrasts the behaviors of vulnerable covert narcissists with malignant covert narcissists.

Abstract

The article on the undefined website delves into the distinct relationship patterns exhibited by covert narcissists, emphasizing the initial stage of love bombing where narcissists present an idealized version of themselves to their partners. It describes how narcissists manipulate their partners into seeing them as perfect matches by mirroring desired traits. As the relationship progresses, the narcissist devalues their partner, leading to a cycle of devaluation and discard, interspersed with periods of love bombing. The article distinguishes between two types of covert narcissists: the vulnerable, who play the victim to garner sympathy and care, and the malignant, who exhibit antisocial traits and intentionally deceive and exploit others. It highlights the narcissist's lack of self-awareness, the subconscious motivations driving their behavior, and the potential for post-discard revenge and violence. The text underscores the importance of recognizing these patterns to break free from the abuse and suggests that while the victim can rebuild their life, the narcissist is unlikely to seek help.

Opinions

The author believes that narcissists are predictable in their relationship patterns once identified.
It is the author's opinion that narcissists lack adequate empathy and self-awareness, which hinders their ability to change.
The article suggests that caretaking individuals are particularly susceptible to the manipulative tactics of a covert narcissist.
The author conveys that the devaluation phase is a strategic move by the narcissist to maintain control and narcissistic supply.
The text implies that narcissists use plausible deniability to avoid accountability for their actions.
The author expresses that malignant covert narcissists are more dangerous due to their conscious intent to deceive and exploit.
The article indicates that narcissists may engage in sabotage and undermining behavior to torture their victims until they leave the relationship.
It is the author's view that narcissists groom friends and family against their victims from the beginning of the relationship.
The author emphasizes that the smear campaign post-discard can be more intense than the abuse during the relationship.
The text suggests that victims have the power to break the cycle of abuse and rebuild their lives, while narcissists are unlikely to change without professional help.

Two Greatly Different Relationship Patterns in a Covert Narcissist

While every individual is different, narcissist relationship patterns are extremely predictable — that is, once your lens is clear

All narcissists, covert or otherwise, start with love bombing.

Love bombing creates the lens for how you see the narcissist. It is deception from the get-go that leads you to believe they are someone they are not.

You believe they are…

A good listener
Compassionate
Clumsy
Charming
Helpful
Family-oriented
Attentive
Passionate
Thoughtful
A people-person
An introvert
A sports fan
A music junkie

They lead you to believe they are whoever you want them to be, taking away your ability to choose to enter a relationship with them. You haven’t yet seen who they are.

The relationship pattern then proceeds through a devaluation, more love bombing, discard, more love bombing, more devaluation, and so on.

The pattern becomes predictable once you’ve identified their type.

The typical, vulnerable, covert narcissist

The vulnerable, covert narcissist is the victim in every story they tell. They seek sympathy and caretaking as a form of narcissistic supply. Their thoughts and behaviors are a result of subconscious motivators. They lack self-awareness and adequate empathy, which makes it nearly impossible for them to change.

During love bombing, they tell you sob stories about their childhood and previous relationships. This is someone who can never catch a break. They are passed over at work, are put down by their family, have frequent illnesses/injuries, and expensive financial problems like credit card debt, “unfair” overdraft fees, or car repairs.

They are so friendly, charming, and funny, you believe they deserve a better life. Your caretaking nature wants to create that for them, to solve their problems, to teach them to trust again, to show them unconditional love.

You create that life for them, and things seem amazing, at first. Over time, they no longer get enough narcissistic supply from your admiration and caretaking, so they start to devalue you.

Of course, their devaluation doesn’t fit with your vision of them, so carefully crafted during the idealization/love bombing phase, so you make excuses for their behavior.

If you do call them out, they deny any intent to harm, using plausible deniability. “What? I’m so sorry. I must have misunderstood.”

They feel narcissistic injury, hatred, and rage toward you over time for being too smart, too successful, for not being who they thought you were (when you try to improve the relationship), or for being weaker and less confident than you once were (as a result of their daily abuse).

The covert narcissist steps up your sabotage, undermining you at every turn, hiding behind the plausible deniability. They are subconsciously motivated to torture you until you leave, so they can remain the victim.

Once you leave, their flying monkeys provide more than enough narcissistic supply to make up for your lost supply. Little do you know; they’ve been grooming friends and family against you from day one — your friends and family.

After you leave, you hope to be friendly, collaborative. After all, your relationship spanned decades. You want them to get the help they need and be happy. You want to heal and move on. You assume they want the same.

You are wrong. Mr Hyde is bound and determined to take you down. You think the worst is over. Wrong again. The smear campaign is like nothing you’ve ever seen before.

The malignant covert narcissist

Malignant narcissists meet criteria for both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder.

Antisocial traits in a narcissist include…

Knowingly deceiving others
Knowingly exploiting others
Consciously violating the rights of others
Consciously seeking revenge
Lack of remorse

The malignant covert narcissist consciously love bombs. They have an agenda. They know they are playing you.

The malignant covert narcissist convinces you to…

Leave your prestigious job, family, and friends to move across the country only to discover they are married with no intention of leaving their spouse
Make them a partner in your lucrative business
Place your financial assets in their name for investment purposes

Their devaluation of you is vengeful, vindictive. They still hide behind the subtle, nearly invisible devaluations and plausible deniability of a covert narcissist, but they know exactly what they’re doing.

As soon as you discover who they are, or they fear impending discovery, they disappear from your life with as many resources as they can muster.

They have numerous other sources of narcissistic supply in the wings.

Post-discard they are dangerous with potential for…

Verbal/physical violence
Stalking
Legal drama
Revenge

The pattern ends with you

The predictability of the pattern empowers you first to see it, then to break it.

At the end of the day, you can leave and rebuild your life. The covert narcissist will likely never seek help and will remain disordered.

It feels like the situation is out of your control, but you hold all the cards.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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