Summary

The article outlines a simple method to determine if an ex-partner is a narcissist by reflecting on the presence of a trauma bond and the struggle to leave a harmful relationship.

Abstract

The article "One Amazingly Simple Way to Tell Your Ex Is a Narcissist" provides insight into the signs and emotional toll of being in a relationship with a narcissist. It discusses common narcissistic tactics such as love bombing, future faking, and gaslighting, but emphasizes that the true indicator of a narcissistic ex is the existence of a trauma bond. This bond is characterized by staying in a damaging relationship despite knowing its detrimental effects, which is a survival mechanism formed through abuse and intermittent reinforcement. The article also touches on the degradation of self-esteem, decision-making abilities, and overall health during the relationship, as well as the distortion of reality and the presence of flying monkeys—people manipulated to side with the narcissist. The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, offers a free risk-assessment guide and invites readers to join Medium for more content.

Opinions

The author suggests that recognizing narcissistic behavior alone is not sufficient to confirm narcissism in an ex-partner.
A significant decrease in self-esteem, confidence, and mental and physical health during the relationship is seen as a red flag for narcissistic abuse.
The inability to make decisions post-relationship is presented as a consequence of narcissistic manipulation.
The article posits that the reality distortion experienced in a narcissistic relationship can lead to a profound reevaluation of one's beliefs and memories.
The presence of flying monkeys, who support the narcissist despite evidence of their manipulative behavior, is highlighted as a common occurrence in such relationships.
The author asserts that the development of a trauma bond, characterized by staying in an unhealthy relationship far longer than one should, is a clear sign of narcissistic abuse.
The article implies that trauma bonds are not unique to romantic relationships but can also be found in contexts such as kidnapping, cults, and abuse scenarios.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, positions herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, offering resources for healing and recovery.

One Amazingly Simple Way to Tell Your Ex Is a Narcissist

You know you want to be sure…

As a victim, someone freshly discarded, waiting for the hoover, this question is haunting. You read everything you can get your hands on, watch videos into the wee hours of the night, and try to discern if your ex is a narcissist, all so you know what to expect.

As a survivor, this question causes even more angst. Regardless of who ended the relationship, you are left to make sense of your experience, of your world. And it’s so darn hard.

You want to be sure.

Narcissist tactics are familiar

You recognize the…

But is that enough? Lots of people use those tactics at one time or another. Surely the world is not full of narcissists.

The rear-view mirror provides clarity

By now you’ve noticed the steady degradation of your self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and mental/physical health for the duration of the relationship. You started the relationship so healthy, vibrant, full of life. You left it a shell of who you once were.

You’ve also noticed your confusion and inability to make even simple decisions. Before the relationship, you were confident, decisive, and independent. Now you can’t decide what shirt to wear, whether to buy a 3 lb or 5 lb bag of apples, or what to order for dinner.

You realize your reality was greatly distorted. As time goes on, you realize more and more that nothing was real. None of it was true. Your beliefs about yourself, your memories, your relationships with others were all distorted.

You discovered they have flying monkeys. During the relationship, flying monkeys look like supportive friends and family. After the relationship, you realize they’ve been groomed as loyal supporters against you. They choose to believe nonsense despite evidence, then act on it.

Those are huge red flags. You don’t find them in an emotionally healthy relationship. These are hallmarks of a narcissistic, abusive relationship.

Yet, the answer is even simpler.

The amazingly simple way to tell your ex is a narcissist

You struggled to leave a relationship you would never choose.

You knew the relationship was hurting you, was killing you, yet you stayed.

And even though you eventually left, you know you stayed way too long.

Your attachment to your partner was created through repeated physical or emotional abuse and intermittent reinforcement. This is the recipe for a trauma bond.

It’s the recipe for bond formation used in

Kidnapping
Cults
Child abuse
Military training
Fraternity hazing
Prisoners of war
Concentration camps

It’s also a result of narcissistic relationships.

If you developed a trauma bond, if you chose to stay in a relationship you’d never otherwise choose, your ex is a narcissist or other toxic person.

It really is that simple.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

medium.com