How to Decode the Pattern of Evidence in Covert Narcissistic Abuse
Dismissing it as “he said, she said,” is an excuse for abdicating your responsibility
It can be challenging to differentiate the covert narcissist from the covert narcissist victim.
They both launch accusations at each other.
Who are you to believe?
The one accuses the other of behavior so outrageous, it can’t possibly be true — or so you think.
The other is so friendly, so charming, maybe not so smart. They don’t have any proof of what they’re saying, other than 100 or so people who will line up to agree.
This is classic.
I recently described 11 ways to discern the covert narcissist from their victim.
Because this topic is so important, let’s break them down one by one.
The victim’s documentation and evidence
Victims who have left the relationship have an abundance of evidence — real, tangible evidence from credible sources.
- Narcissist’s handwritten letters
- Narcissist’s texts
- Narcissist’s emails
- Narcissist’s voicemails
- Narcissist’s phone call logs
- Screenshots of narcissist’s (or flying monkeys’) social media
- Notes from the child’s teacher or the principal
- Child artwork that the school found concerning
- Letters or notes from the child’s therapist
- Police reports
- Child protection reports
- ED visit reports
- Bank statements
- Credit card statements
- Investment statements
- Video/audio recordings of abuse
The victim appears to be holding onto the past and not letting go, yet is so confused by the gaslighting, their distorted reality, that they clutch onto every tangible piece of reality.
They are desperate to prove to themselves and others what is real.
The greater their distorted reality, the more commonly the narcissist’s lies go unchecked, the more evidence they have saved.
Over time, they come to save EVERYTHING.
Victims who have not left the relationship or are terrified (as in the case of a malignant narcissist), follow one of two patterns.
- They specifically avoid collecting evidence and are stuck in the pattern of trying to believe the narcissist’s ideal self is real and they must be wrong.
- They have evidence, but will not use it to get in the narcissist’s good graces (even lying to the police or in court).
The covert narcissist’s “evidence” is different
Most covert narcissists are unaware of their disorder, unaware that they are gaslighting, unaware that they are grooming flying monkeys to support a false narrative. Most covert narcissists believe their own gaslighting.
In this case, the covert narcissist’s “evidence” is testimony of their flying monkeys. Flying monkey testimony is easy to recognize.
- They often have known the covert narcissist for decades and have little interaction with the victim.
- They have no firsthand knowledge of specific incidents. Their accounts are hearsay.
- They have identical stories (they all heard the identical story from the covert narcissist).
- Their stories make the covert narcissist look like a victim, hero, or both.
- They lack object constancy around this issue — seeing the covert narcissist as “all good” and the victim as “all bad.”
- They effusively affirm the covert narcissist’s good character.
- — He would never do anything like that.
- — She’s so kind and loving to everyone.
- — He would never hurt his kids.
In this instance, the narcissist will not supply you with anything that definitively backs up their statement, because it doesn’t exist. Their story simply isn’t true.
Some covert narcissists have shifted the victim into the “all bad” category and are in full-on attack mode. They knowingly want to take the victim down.
They will push the victim to the brink to get evidence.
- Audio recording the victim screaming at them (without recording the provocation).
- Baiting the victim to hit them, “Come on hit me. You know you’ll feel better. I can take it,” then recording it.
- Provoking a victim, then saving the texts, voicemails, or emails.
- Insidiously provoking a victim to get a reaction in front of others.
- Tracking the victim, hiding recording devices, even planting evidence.
How can you tell whether verbal/physical abuse has been provoked?
When the victim yells, screams sends a hostile text, or hits someone, they immediately feel TERRIBLE about it.
They may have extreme guilt and express extreme remorse. They look for assurance that they are okay as a person.
Over time, as their brain fog clears and they see the situation clearly, they realize they were provoked.
They also remain accountable.
- I was so stressed, I just lost it.
- I couldn’t take anymore.
- I was out of my mind terrified.
- I was so confused. I didn’t see what was happening.
The covert narcissist may appear to be accountable, but subtly or overtly blames their behavior on someone or something else.
- I shouldn’t have yelled at her like that, but she made me so angry.
- I shouldn’t have sent that email, but he’s sent worse.
- I lost my cool because I had a really tough day at work, and she started the minute I walked through the door.
Follow the Evidence
Victims who are still in the relationship will hide or avoid evidence.
Victims who have left the relationship are desperate to show their evidence to anyone willing to examine it. They have been the receiver and the subject of the covert narcissist’s lies for so long, they want someone, anyone to see the truth, to confirm their reality.
Covert narcissists will either have no evidence, but tons of character witnesses or will have provoked evidence.
Most people, professionals included, don’t care enough to try, dismissing everything as “he said, she said.”
Recognizing the evidence patterns between victim and covert narcissist is kind of like playing Sudoku.
Once you learn to recognize the pattern, it’s obvious.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Why Is a Covert Narcissist Terrified of You After the Discard? and Covert Narcissism 101: Document Everything
