Summary

The article distinguishes between a covert narcissist feigning victimhood for manipulative gain and a genuine victim seeking understanding and validation of their experiences.

Abstract

The article "How Can You Tell When a Covert Narcissist Is Playing the Victim?" delves into the manipulative tactics of covert narcissists who portray themselves as victims to gain sympathy, support, and resources from those around them. It contrasts this with the genuine victim of narcissistic abuse, who seeks to understand their experiences and find validation, rather than material support or pity. The covert narcissist is described as a skilled storyteller who fabricates tales of woe or self-deprecation to elicit a response that benefits them, often at the expense of the true victim, who is frequently blamed or disbelieved. The article emphasizes the importance of discerning between the two, noting that the true victim's goal is to make sense of their reality and heal from the abuse, not to solicit sympathy or resources.

Opinions

Covert narcissists manipulate others by telling compelling stories that cast them in a sympathetic light, often to the detriment of the true victim.
The true victim of narcissistic abuse is often misjudged or not believed, leading to further isolation and self-doubt.
The article suggests that the true victim's narrative is aimed at understanding and processing their experiences, not at gaining external rewards.
Friends and family of both the covert narcissist and the true victim may be unaware of the dynamic at play, sometimes inadvertently supporting the narcissist.
The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, positions herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, offering a guide and further resources for those affected by such relationships.

How Can You Tell When a Covert Narcissist Is Playing the Victim?

Who is the actual victim?

You know it all too well.

After being in a relationship with a covert narcissist, being victimized for years, even decades, you were the one made out to be the problem.

Friends, family, even co-workers were groomed to become the covert narcissist’s flying monkeys while you were entirely unaware.

Maybe they think you’re the narcissist or toxic person in the dynamic.

Maybe they just don’t know who to believe.

The covert narcissist can be found in the details

The covert narcissist tells stories in which they are the victim, the hero, or both. Listen to their stories carefully and soon you’ll recognize this pattern.

Often the covert narcissist’s stories are self-deprecating — designed to make them look weak, foolish, or not as smart as everyone else.

Covert narcissists can be great storytellers, and these kinds of stories are entertaining. These stories make people laugh.

They played king of the mountain in a landfill full of hypodermic needles.
They were chased by the police while driving recklessly.
They veered around a barricade and into a hole.

Covert narcissists also tell stories to gain sympathy, compassion, and pity.

These stories are a great source of narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys.

They almost died in a rollover accident because they weren’t wearing a seatbelt.
They had a terrible childhood.
They don’t have any money post-divorce.

These stories also frequently result in gifts of time, organization, or other resources.

Flying monkeys offer to

Help with childcare
Provide furniture and other household items
Buy tickets to fun events to take the covert narcissist’s mind off their troubles

For a covert narcissist, why tell the truth when these other stories are so much more valuable?

The victim seeks to understand

The victim’s stories may also evoke compassion or sympathy; however, that is not their goal.

The victim seeks to understand their experience. They are looking for confirmation or corroboration of what they’re discovering is true.

It’s like they’ve been in a relationship with a character and none of it was real — because that’s exactly what happened.

They want to figure out how this happened, how they didn’t see it, how everyone has been fooled, how they could have stayed so long.

The victim blames the covert narcissist for specific behaviors, but ultimately, they blame themselves for being in the situation. (Hot tip: the narcissist will not blame themselves for anything.)

The victim also seeks to be seen and heard. They want someone to see and understand their reality, their struggles.

They are not looking for pity, placation, or resources.

Playing the victim vs being the victim

The covert narcissist plays the victim. They want sympathy, compassion, and pity.

“I’m doing everything possible to get more time with my kids,” when solid evidence doesn’t support that.
“I was played,” when they were the one doing the playing.
“I just don’t know why she’d say such horrible things about me,” when documentation shows those horrible things are true.
“There were so many affairs,” when in reality there were none.

The victim, on the other hand, has been victimized. They can’t believe life is so unfair and want justice. They want to feel strong again.

The victim wants you to see the truth. They want to know that they are okay and will be okay in this world.

They don’t need or want your sympathy, your pity, or your resources.

Final Thoughts

Listen beneath the circumstances.

What is the storyteller wanting or needing from sharing this story?

Look at the pattern. It becomes easy to tell who is who.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

11 Ways to Discern the Covert Narcissist Victim from the Covert Narcissist

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Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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