28 Horrific Signs of Narcissistic Collapse in a Covert Narcissist
Know when to engage and when to walk away
Narcissistic collapse is an intense emotional reaction to anticipated or experienced humiliation and failure.
The covert narcissist has two core needs:
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their idealized self and false reality
The narcissist’s grandiosity, expressed through their ideal, false self protects them from their fragile self-esteem, lack of sense of self, and extreme shame.
For a covert narcissist, their grandiosity is hidden from the naked eye, but manifests as their need for attention, validation, admiration, and sympathy.
Triggering the narcissistic collapse
Someone or something that threatens their image and their false reality triggers narcissistic collapse.
Triggers may be mild or extreme.
- Not responding to a text or voicemail right away
- Saying “no”
- Ending a conversation
- Setting a firm boundary
- Correcting them
- Providing constructive feedback
- Wanting to improve the relationship
- A child talking back
- An adult child not taking their advice
- Job insecurity or being fired
- Being passed over for a promotion or job
- Not getting an expected raise
- Being served divorce papers
- Being caught cheating
The trigger causes the narcissist’s self-defense mechanisms to break down. The idealized self, their false self or persona, is no longer intact and secure. Their house of cards is at risk of crumbling or has crumbled.
The trigger initially causes narcissistic injury. It’s followed by narcissistic rage. When the covert narcissist cannot mask the rage, cannot preserve their persona despite the injury, they experience a narcissistic collapse.
A narcissistic collapse may take two forms
#1 Covert narcissist withdrawal
- Stonewalling
- Abruptly ending a conversation followed by the silent treatment or ghosting
- Depression — manifesting as apathy and withdrawal from society
- Intense anxiety
- Threatening self-harm
- Substance use, drinking, reckless driving — anything to distract them from the truth
#2 Covert narcissist vindictive behavior
- Intense irritability
- Picking fights
- Gaslighting
- Verbal/physical violence
- Intense lashing out
- Repeatedly accusing you of hurting them
- Angry outbursts
- Aggressive smear campaigns
- Revenge
As always, covert narcissists are different
Covert narcissists are more likely to lash out aggressively during a narcissistic collapse than their overt counterparts.
Perhaps this is because so much of their narcissistic supply comes from their flying monkeys. The risk of being exposed as a fake or a fraud when the entire world sees behind the mask is too much to bear.
The covert narcissist tries to regain control by projecting their self-hatred and self-loathing onto someone else.
Signs of a narcissistic collapse
- Inability to function
- Inability to move forward or complete projects
- Inability to work
- Disheveled appearance
- Sleeping on the floor
- Drinking or using other substances to “numb out”
- Not showing up to planned events
- Not returning anyone’s calls
- Self-harm
- Looking for something to be angry about
- Violent, angry outbursts
- Abusive written communication via letter, email, or text
- Throwing things
- Punching through the wall
- Breaking objects
- Bellowing
- Stomping
- Aggressive stances
- Physical altercations
- False police reports
- False legal claims
- Intentional sabotage for revenge (breaking something dear to you, ruining a business deal, getting you fired)
- Abruptly ending the relationship without warning
- Firing employees
- Threatening to ruin one’s reputation
- Blackmailing the offender
- Stalking
On the receiving end, it looks and feels like they’re out to get you. From the covert narcissist’s perspective, they are battling intense fear and shame and are desperately trying to regain control.
How to handle a narcissistic collapse
Step away from the covert narcissist. Attempts to show them the truth, call out their behaviors, or “fix” the problem are ineffective at best and extremely dangerous at worst.
This is a very volatile situation.
Empower the covert narcissist to regulate their emotions and deal with the consequences by stepping back and, when possible, leaving the situation. It is not your job to caretake their emotions. It’s not your role to enable them.
Instead, take care of you. Acknowledge, accept, and process your emotions. Give yourself what you need.
That is within your control.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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