6 Reasons Why and 11 Ways a Covert Narcissist Punishes You
The often-invisible punishment with devastating effects
A covert narcissist punishes you as revenge for their narcissistic injury. This is often subconscious, meaning they do not consciously know what they are doing.
This is Mr Hyde at his finest. Mr Hyde feels the covert narcissist’s persona has been threatened and is determined to annihilate that threat.
What did you do to warrant this punishment?
You likely did something innocent to try to improve the relationship.
- Shared your feelings
- Tried to teach or show them something
- Offered help
- Spoke positively about someone else
- Were honest about your needs
- Took care of your needs
You can explore these 6 in detail here.
11 Common Ways a Covert Narcissist Punishes You
Now that you understand why, let’s talk about how.
Some of these tactics are recognizable as punishments. Others are so subtle that with a little plausible deniability, the covert narcissist evades detection.
The covert narcissist doesn’t mind that you don’t know you’re being punished. Creating drama and chaos in your life is its own reward. They get to sit back and watch the havoc they’ve wreaked unfold.
#1 The silent treatment
With an overt narcissist, the silent treatment is usually obvious. They refuse to speak to you for hours, days, even weeks. Sometimes this is while living in the same house. Other times, it’s ghosting you or refusing all communication while living elsewhere.
With a covert narcissist, this can be much more subtle.
They may be quieter than usual and insist that nothing is wrong.
They may avoid you in the home or put in ear buds to halt communication.
They may act like they didn’t hear you with a dismissive tone to match their statement.
- What?
- I’m sorry. Did you say something?
- What’s that?
#2 Put-downs
The covert narcissist may put you down as a way of devaluing you.
This may be a “joke” that hits too close to home, a backhanded compliment, or a blatant criticism or correction.
33 examples of their subtle putdowns can be found here.
#3 Weaponized incompetence
The narcissist may intentionally do tasks poorly to devalue you, to exert their power and control over you, to cause drama and chaos for you to resolve.
They love watching you run around trying to “fix” what they’ve “accidentally” done.
Not sure what that looks like? You’ll find 33 examples here.
#4 Undermining your competence
The covert narcissist does not want you experiencing success while they are punishing you. That would be like receiving ice cream during a time out.
They will make you doubt yourself –not only your area of competence, but your willingness to see the truth, to be open to feedback. They may even get you to believe you are the narcissist.
#5 Sabotage
This is a covert narcissist’s favorite strategy — to sabotage you while you’re none the wiser. Often, they don’t know they’re consciously doing it. Yet they love watching the drama and chaos that ensues.
The covert narcissist may…
- Break something you love
- Delete your calendar
- Not give you an important message
- Take the outfit you were planning on wearing for your important presentation to the dry cleaners so that it’s unavailable
#6 Revealing your private information
The key is the covert narcissist will “drop” or “let slip” information seemingly innocently.
- You know that secret your best friend made you promise not to tell anyone? The covert narcissist will drop to her that they know.
- You’ve been looking for a new job? The covert narcissist will drop this to your co-worker.
- You don’t like your mom’s chili? The covert narcissist lets it slip to her.
- You’re trying to lose weight? The covert narcissist will mention it to the host (and everyone else) at a party.
Then you’ll hear…
- What? I didn’t realize it was a secret.
- I thought she knew.
- I was trying to be supportive.
#7 Trying to get you in trouble
The covert narcissist uses this one in concert with #6. It’s a dual strategy to create extreme chaos and distress in your life.
- Dropping their knowledge of your best friend’s secret? Now your best friend is furious with you.
- Dropping info about your job search? Now your job may be at risk if it gets back to the boss.
- Telling your mom you don’t like her chili? Now she’s either hurt you don’t like it or hurt you weren’t comfortable telling her.
#8 Gaslighting
The covert narcissist will gaslight you, convincing you that your memories, your version of reality aren’t real.
The results are devastating.
- You’ll worry that something is wrong with you.
- You may even seek medical attention.
- You’ll give away your power and control, trusting their reality over yours.
#9 Excess control
When the covert narcissist is trying to punish you, they will take extra control where they can. They want to be relevant, dominant, even while appearing to be the weak, victim.
This may look like
- Keeping information from you
- Moving joint finances to an unknown location
- Withholding sex
#10 Verbal/physical abuse
Even covert narcissists may resort to extreme overt abuse. This tends to happen when they are truly desperate, when their mask has slipped, when they fear the very survival of their persona is at risk.
In those moments, they are extremely dangerous.
#11 Smear
When they are extremely desperate, feeling their very identity is at risk, they may punish you with a smear campaign.
When they can no longer control you, they seek to control the way others see you.
The covert narcissist may…
- Call the police on you
- Provoke reactive abuse while recording it
- Convince their flying monkeys of ridiculous allegations
Depending on the context, this is a great punishment because it robs you of…
- Your family
- Your friends
- Your standing in the community
- Your legal rights
- Your job
Knowledge is power
Awareness is everything. Knowledge is power.
Most victims are abused by covert narcissists for years, even decades, before they see the truth. Even then, it can be almost impossible to see while they are in it.
Learning to recognize the tactics and strategies for what they are makes sense of your world. It opens your eyes to the chaos before you.
And once you awaken, your healing journey has begun.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: 8 Ways a Covert Narcissist Messes with Your Head and What Is It Typically Like Living with a Covert Narcissist?
