What Is It Typically Like Living with a Covert Narcissist?
It’s like going to an ice cream shop with friends
Living with a covert narcissist is like going to an ice cream shop with your friends.
You order mint chip, your favorite, and take your first mouthful and smile. It’s like a tasty bite of Heaven.
After a few minutes, you start to feel really sick. You wonder if the ice cream is toxic — poisoned. Your friends scoff at you. “That’s ridiculous, I’m eating it and I feel fine,” they say.
You continue to eat, trying to convince yourself that you enjoy it. Yet you feel more and more uneasy, unwell, and you don’t know why.
Living with a covert narcissist is the ultimate in cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort, unease, or tension caused by holding conflicting beliefs or attitudes.
When you live with a covert narcissist, it feels like you’re living in an alternate reality — because you are.
You’re not just in an alternate reality from the covert narcissist — your reality is different than that of everyone you know.
That tasty bite of Heaven
At first, you feel like everything is wonderful. You feel like you’ve found someone who…
- Truly gets you
- Is a great communicator
- Makes you feel great about yourself
- Is thoughtful, considerate, and easy-going
- Makes you laugh
- Has your back
You feel like the luckiest person in the world. This reality is reflected back to you by your friends and family. They LOVE your new partner and are so happy for you.
This lens is so powerful, that it leads you to discount reality.
- Your partner runs into Starbucks and “forgets” your drink. You chalk it up as an “accident.”
- Your partner is dishonest with you. You explain it away as a “white lie.”
- Your partner insists you never had a conversation that you remember clearly. You let it go as a “misunderstanding.”
Your belief about your partner’s true self is incongruent with your experience, so you discount your experience to alleviate the discomfort.
Over time, you start to experience many ill effects of the relationship
- Decreased self-esteem
- Decreased self-worth
- Decreased self-confidence
- Increased confusion
- Increased self-doubt
- Increased difficulty making even simple decisions
- Increased stress
- Increased anxiety
- Increased exhaustion
- Increased overwhelm
- Increased injuries/illnesses
You believe something is wrong with you. It’s easier to believe that than to believe something is wrong with your partner or the relationship. Those beliefs are too strong, and the cognitive dissonance too great.
The fog starts to clear — until you’re sucked back in
When the distress of your constant physical, mental, and spiritual symptoms are as severe as the discomfort from the cognitive dissonance, you start to see the truth.
You notice the covert narcissist’s…
- Lack of honesty
- Lack of reliability
- Lack of accountability and responsibility
- Denial
- Deflection
- Projection
- Dismissal
- Blame-shifting
- Gaslighting
- Sabotage
- Future-faking
- And more.
You share your experience with your family and friends. They don’t see it. Their cognitive dissonance is still too great, and their lens still too powerful.
They convince you that you’re wrong, that you’re too sensitive, that you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
The cognitive dissonance of being at odds with those you love and trust becomes too much. It’s easier once again to dismiss and discount your experience.
You go through this cycle again and again and again every time your symptoms peak, every time you reach that breaking point.
The straw that breaks the camel’s back sets you free
Eventually, the distress becomes so great that you’re willing to let go of not only the relationship with the covert narcissist but also the relationships with those you love.
You are determined to break free of the cognitive dissonance and gaslighting brain fog and find yourself again.
At that point, you set yourself free.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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