Does a Covert Narcissist Actually Struggle with Setting Boundaries?
They are unable to honor them and often unable to set them
Most narcissists have codependent traits. Narcissists and codependents are not opposite ends of the spectrum, as once thought. This is particularly true of covert narcissists.
The codependent person requires external validation and approval as they are disconnected from their true self. They have difficulty setting boundaries, taking care of their own needs, and communicating.
Covert narcissists also share these challenges.
Three important covert narcissist characteristics:
- Covert narcissists are motivated by narcissistic supply and preservation of their idealized self, their persona, and the made-up reality it has created.
- Covert narcissists get a lot, if not the majority, of their narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys.
- Covert narcissists need to be either the victim, the hero, or both in any story to maintain their persona, their false narrative about who they are.
Remember, the typical covert narcissist is not consciously playing a role. They wholeheartedly BELIEVE they are their idealized, false self, their persona. Their subconscious fear and shame about their true self requires situations and people to reinforce this belief.
The covert narcissist’s persona frequently includes being…
- The person who is not too smart and easily manipulated
- The person who is too nice and easily and often abused
- The person who is very generous and often used
- The person who is too passive to stand up for themselves
- The peacemaker who wants everyone to be happy, at the expense of themselves
- The person who always puts others first
- The person who can never catch a break
- The person who is unjustly treated by others
- The person who works so hard to get the job, their kids, or financial stability, only to have it taken away every time
- The person who had a traumatic childhood and turned their life around
- The doormat — they frequently refer to themselves this way
- A catch who gets played and hurt in every relationship
The covert narcissist makes this story true
When this is the covert narcissist’s persona, they show up in a way that makes these stories true. This reinforces the narrative with their flying monkeys.
The covert narcissist who has a persona of being used, manipulated, and abused by others is very poor at setting boundaries. They do not set them, then act surprised and distraught when others don’t honor what should be obvious boundaries.
They “confide” in their flying monkeys, knowing full well the story will be spread far and wide. They get affirmation about how deserving they are of more. Their flying monkeys check up on them, encourage them, and offer support. This is the mother lode of narcissistic supply. The covert narcissist has become hugely relevant.
When the covert narcissist doesn’t stand up for themselves, they become the perfect victim
Similarly, the covert narcissist will not stand up for themselves, particularly to other narcissists. This is a perfect victim story. The story writes itself. They receive mega supply.
This also plays into their characteristic of being extremely passive-aggressive. They get far more narcissistic supply by complaining about their woeful life, than they would if they got whatever they want. It’s not possible to give them what they want for this reason.
The covert narcissist will…
- Verbalize eagerness to move to a new home, then complain they never wanted to move
- Express excitement about a new car, then tell everyone years later that it wasn’t what they wanted
- Encourage you to purchase a timeshare, then tell everyone you singlehandedly wasted the money
This narrative implies that they were unable to stand up for themselves, set boundaries about what they were willing to do, and were brow-beaten into doing something they opposed. They LOVE this narrative and will look for opportunities to create it.
What happens when you stand up for yourself or set boundaries with the covert narcissist?
The short version? It doesn’t go well.
Standing up for yourself or setting boundaries with the covert narcissist results in narcissistic injury, even rage. They cannot believe you would dare do something they would not.
The covert narcissist will explicitly tell you…
- You should let guests smoke in your home even though you are allergic
- You should do their Christmas shopping because they had to do it for their mother-in-law and hated it
- You should just “get along” with family members that are bullying you
The covert narcissist believes that because their boundaries were violated in these scenarios, yours should be, too. They are infuriated that you won’t allow your boundaries to be violated.
And they certainly don’t believe you should set boundaries with them.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What Is a Comprehensive Definition of a Covert Narcissist? and 13 Red Flags that Signal You May Be Dealing with a Covert Narcissist
