How Does a Narcissist React When You Set a Firm Boundary?
Sometimes late is better than never
I didn’t learn how to set boundaries until I was 41. I was always so confused why people crossed what seemed like obvious boundaries.
For example, at my father-in-law’s funeral a woman I’d never met asked me to look at her mole because I was a doctor. No joke.
Strangers at church formed a line to ask me medical questions and neighbors rang my doorbell at 10 pm (waking all five kids) because they had a cough.
Then there were the people who piled volunteer work on me as the only one who could do it (doctor, five kids — just saying).
I didn’t understand it until years later.
No one respected my boundaries because I didn’t set or enforce them.
I lacked the skill to set or enforce boundaries because they had never been honored or respected. I grew up with a narcissist, then married another.
Narcissists selectively choose targets who are unable or unwilling to set and enforce their boundaries.
Why?
The only boundaries a narcissist cares about are their own.
Nuisance vs attack?
When you set a boundary with a narcissist, they will find it a nuisance at best, and a threat to their power and control at worst.
The narcissist will respond with tactics that ensure you don’t make that mistake again.
Deflection
- “I’ve asked you to call me by my name,” is met with “Hey, do you want to see a movie Friday night?”
- “It makes me uncomfortable when you grab my butt in public,” is met with “Did you see that guy’s hair?”
- “You are lying to me,” is met with “I see why your sister doesn’t like you.”
Projection
- “Do not go through my mail,” said to your visiting father at age 40 is met with, “You are so controlling.”
- “I don’t like it when you belittle my art. It’s hurtful,” is met with “You have to be better than everyone else.”
- “I asked you to stop,” is met with “You always have to have the last word.”
Dismissal
- “I’m sorry. I can’t do anything about the past, but I won’t do it again,” only to do it again that week.
- “Why can’t you just let it go?
- Yawwwwnnnn. “Did you say something?”
Later there’s the sabotage with plausible deniability.
I could go on…
So why bother with boundaries?
The narcissist will not honor your boundaries. That’s a given.
So why set them? And equally important, why enforce them?
You teach others how to treat you. You teach them what is acceptable and what isn’t, through verbal and non-verbal language.
- When the narcissist lies and you tolerate it, you’ve taught them lying to you is okay.
- When the narcissist cheats and you stay, you’ve taught them cheating on you is okay.
- When the narcissist gives you the look and you read their mind, jump up, and get what they need, you’ve taught them you are willing to do so.
Your boundaries are for you. They keep you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually safe. They honor and respect your beautiful heart.
That really is a bare minimum expectation in a relationship. You deserve so much more.
Boundaries are honored and respected by people who value you. Fill your life with more of those people.
Then practice. Setting and enforcing boundaries is a skillset that can be learned and, like many things, is better late than never.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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