Startling Truth — Does a Narcissist Know They Are a Narcissist?
As with every narcissist question — it depends.
What does it depend on?
- The type of narcissist
- The nature of their idealized self
- The nature of the conversation
Many overt, grandiose narcissists wear the label of narcissist like a badge of honor
They believe they are superior, entitled, unique, special, arrogant, worthy of admiration, and deserving of unlimited success, power, and money. They are aware they exploit others and see it as a gift — the gift of manipulation.
Not only do they lack empathy, but they also see others as weak or stupid for allowing themselves to be used or manipulated, as if they deserve it.
These narcissists tend to gravitate toward work in the financial industry (Wall Street, hedge fund managers, venture capitalists, for example) and in company leadership of large companies (C-suite and mid-level management).
In many cases, they are revered and rewarded for their use of narcissistic tactics and techniques to get results.
While they may brag about being a narcissist to colleagues, they may not acknowledge it in marriage counseling. The nature of the conversation has changed.
Other grandiose narcissists may have no idea or even discount the label
They believe everyone is like they are. Or they believe everyone else is the problem. In neither case do they see their behavior as problematic.
If a therapist diagnoses them with NPD, they see the therapist as having a problem. It’s never them. And no mountain of evidence will prove to them otherwise.
Malignant narcissists have traits of both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder
Malignant narcissists tend to have severely dysfunctional relationships and more extreme behaviors.
The malignant narcissist…
- Violates boundaries,
- Breaks laws,
- Gets pleasure from deceiving or harming others,
- Seeks revenge for even innocent perceived infractions,
- Is reckless, aggressive and impulsive,
- And lacks remorse.
The malignant narcissist may know they are a narcissist. They don’t care. They believe they are justified in hurting others and that others deserve what they get.
Covert narcissists typically have no idea they are a narcissist
They believe they are their idealized self — someone likable, charming, friendly, and a great partner. They believe their made-up version of reality is real. Their flying monkeys reflect that back to them every day.
When the covert narcissist’s relationship ends, they don’t see themselves as the problem. You are now “all bad,” and hence the problem.
From their viewpoint, you never loved them, used them, and are now saying terrible things about them — like that they are dishonest, untrustworthy, and unable to be accountable.
The covert narcissist is the master of DARVO — deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Even if you were to show them an article, a book, a video, or get a diagnosis from a therapist, the covert narcissist will believe this all proves you are the narcissist and they are the victim.
They will not see it in themselves. Their true self doesn’t have the capacity to hold this thought and their false self will dismiss it, making you the problem to preserve their image.
Some covert narcissists also “know”
Narcissism is on a spectrum. Some have more characteristics than others. Some have the ability to be somewhat self-aware, to reflect on their role in relationship difficulties.
They may be able to self-examine their impulses and behaviors, even to develop cognitive empathy.
They may actually be trying to change. Or they may be looking for sympathy for their condition — for a new way to be the victim.
Some may be very self-aware with their therapist yet continue destructive behaviors in their personal relationships. Context is everything.
Letting go of the pain
So often victims struggle with this question — wondering if any of it was real, if the narcissist knew what they were doing all along — I know I did.
Learning from the past is important. Being stuck in it is devastating.
Bring yourself into the present moment. Is this the relationship you want right now, exactly as is?
The reality is, it’s likely to get worse, not better. And even if this narcissist is in the miniscule percent that is able to change, it won’t be while they are with you. Your patterns together are too ingrained.
Learn from the past, be true to yourself in the present, and move into a brighter future.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Why Does a Covert Narcissist Communicate in Confidence? and As a Recovering Narcissist Victim, How Do I Become Truly Indifferent?
