Why Does a Covert Narcissist Communicate in Confidence?
Why are they so secretive?
You were in a relationship with a covert narcissist for years.
Now you discover what they’ve been saying, what they’ve been doing — for years. It’s mind-blowing!
You want to bring everything out into the open, to clear the air, to get closure.
You just want them to have an honest conversation, to be accountable.
You want them to tell the therapists, doctors, and lawyers the truth so everyone can heal and move forward.
You want to put an end to the gaslighting.
The covert narcissist doesn’t want any of those things. They choose to share things in confidence for four major reasons.
#1 To enhance the love bomb
The love bomb is not reserved for romantic interests. The covert narcissist uses it to create the lens for how everyone sees them and those in the covert narcissist’s world.
The covert narcissist love bombs friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, pastors, lawyers, judges, therapists, doctors, and more.
Sharing something in confidence is a strategy to rapidly accelerate the love bomb process. It makes the recipient feel special, unique, even beholden.
The covert narcissist will say.
- Just between you and me…
- Don’t say anything, but…
- I don’t like to speak unkindly about anyone, but you’ll understand this…
- I’ve just got to tell you this one thing…
#2 To mask flying monkey grooming
Speaking in confidence not only keeps the victim(s) in the dark, but it also keeps the flying monkeys from seeing what’s happening.
The covert narcissist is the master of the magician’s sleight of hand.
They mirror each flying monkey, becoming a different person with different people, telling them different things.
This allows each flying monkey to feel special and it limits the covert narcissist’s risk of being discovered.
#3 To triangulate
The covert narcissist loves to triangulate. It’s one of their favorite means of devaluing people to get narcissistic supply and of preserving their idealized self and made-up reality.
Speaking with each partner in confidence facilitates the desired drama and ensures they will not be caught. Neither party is likely to break the confidence to communicate directly.
- Don’t tell Bob I told you, but he thinks you’re not pulling your weight.
- My mom asked me not to say anything, but she hates holidays with your family.
- Between you and me, he just doesn’t like golfing with you.
- Don’t say anything, but she’s jealous of you.
#4 To manipulate a situation to their advantage
The covert narcissist doesn’t want the victim to know what they’re saying.
When there are numerous witnesses to what they’ve said, it becomes very difficult to manage their massive web of lies.
- You didn’t hear this from me, but…
- I don’t want him to know I told you…
- She’ll make me pay if she finds out I told you…
The victim by contrast
Often it is not safe or wise for the victim to be in the same room with the covert narcissist — it’s not safe for them to speak openly. In those situations, safety comes first.
Once the victim’s safety has been secured, they tend to not only be comfortable speaking openly, but they also prefer it.
Victims are motivated by truth.
Because they believe the truth sets everyone free, they want the covert narcissist to acknowledge the truth, so that they can all move on.
Until the victim realizes who they are really dealing with, they are truly dumbfounded when this doesn’t happen.
They are even more dumbfounded when family, friends, and professionals don’t share their commitment to revealing the truth.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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