12 Disturbing Myths About Empaths Likely Fabricated by Narcissists

It’s time to shine the light on several uncommon misconceptions

I found an interesting comment on one of my articles last night, a presumed well-intentioned comment to promote healing that grossly mischaracterized empaths.

This morning a member of my community shared an article containing even more myths.

I’ve seen these empath myths float around Quora. They certainly do not appear in the medical or psychology literature.

Because they have no basis in fact and are a great demonstration of blame-shifting, deflecting, projecting, and devaluing, I suspect they were devised by narcissists. True to form.

It’s time to lay them to rest.

Myth #1 Empaths Have a Disorder

Quite the opposite. Empathy is a gift. Psychology tells us there are three types of empathy — cognitive, emotional, and compassionate. Individuals develop each type to different degrees, if at all.

Most people have some degree of empathy, so, what is meant by the term “empath?”

An empath is someone who feels what others are feeling as if it were happening to them, as if they were in that person’s shoes. Empaths may feel physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual symptoms from another person or from society, as a whole. They respond with compassion standing with and supporting the other person.

• Your mom tells you she’s fine, but you feel her nervous energy and press further.
• You go with a co-worker to her mom’s funeral and cry with her, even though you never met her mom.
• Your friend gets bad news, and you reach out before you hear about it. You felt it.
• Your child is anxious about a test tomorrow, and you feel so anxious you can’t sleep.
• The world is in shock about the war, and you feel the weight of the world crushing you.

This natural or developed ability is like any other sense –sight, hearing, taste, smell, physical touch. It provides information.

Empaths “feel” to their own detriment

According to Dr Gonzalez-Berrios, a psychiatrist quoted in True Empaths Make Up a Tiny Portion of the Population –Are You One or More So an Empathetic Person? “true empaths always go out of their comfort zone and start thinking, feeling, and acting for other people — even if they feel drained, emotionally overwhelmed, and exhausted — and can feel another person’s happiness or sadness as a part of their own self.”

I’ll add the caveat that empaths go out of their comfort zone to their own detriment until they learn how to work with their empathy, not be ruled by it.

Myth #2 Empaths Believe They’re Special and Unique

False. Categorically false.

Empaths feel like they’re alone in the world. The weight of that is crushing.

Studies estimate true empaths at 1–2% of the population, though I believe that is an underestimate.

Until an empath has truly awakened, most believe something is wrong with them.

• They don’t understand why they were perfectly fine a minute ago and now feel completely anxious, though nothing has changed.
• They don’t understand why they suddenly have a headache, just because grandpa does.
• They don’t understand why they can’t watch the news like “normal” people.

Empaths don’t find any of this to be “special.” In fact, most wish they knew how to turn it off and if they learn how to turn it off, they do.

It’s like being able to hear from a mile away. The amount of information coming in is deafening.

Once an empath learns how to receive this information without harm to themselves, they learn to use this gift, just like most people use their gift of sight.

Myth #3 Empaths Need “Empaths Supply”

The term “supply” comes from psychoanalytic theory and describes the needs of babies to maintain mental and emotional equilibrium.

Narcissists require others to maintain their mental and emotional equilibrium — to regulate their emotions and self-esteem. This is narcissistic supply.

Empaths do not require others to regulate their mental or emotional equilibrium. Feeling another person’s fear, anger, or knee pain is not required to regulate their emotions, self-esteem, or anything else.

That’s like saying people with sight need to see to regulate their equilibrium. It’s simply not true.

Myth #4 Empaths and Codependents Are One and the Same

This one is really out there.

Most empaths have codependent traits. So do most engineers, doctors, professional athletes, musicians, teachers, and hair stylists.

Why? 90% of the population has codependent traits.

Why? Because trauma is ubiquitous.

When children are exposed to frequent and repetitive trauma — trauma being an experience or event that surpasses one’s ability to cope in that moment — they may become disordered, developing a personality disorder as a means of coping, or they more often develop codependent attitudes and behaviors.

What is codependency?

Codependency is a term initially used to describe the partner of someone with a substance use disorder. The characteristics are now seen to impact other relationships, as well.

The codependent person requires approval and validation from another person. They are disconnected from their Self, disconnected from their own wants and needs, have communication challenges, set boundaries poorly if at all, and are willing to make extreme sacrifices to avoid losing the relationship.

Empaths develop codependency for good reason

Child empaths are able to feel their parents’ feelings and the inconsistency with their words. This creates a lack of safety — trauma.

• The child feels their father’s seething rage, while he says he’s just tired.
• The child feels their mother energetically recoil from a hug, while opening her arms.
• The child feels their parent’s disappointment in their project, while they say, “good job.”

The child starts to need external validation and approval to feel right with the world. They start to put others’ needs before their own. They walk on eggshells and keep their mouth shut to stay safe.

Myth #5 Empaths and Codependents Have a Personality Disorder

Being an empath is not a criterion for any personality disorder, just like being able to see, hear, or taste are not criteria.

While codependency leads to dysfunctional relationships, it is not listed in the DSM as a personality disorder. Again, it’s common to varying degrees in the population.

Myth #6 Empaths Cannot Be Lied to and Are Difficult to Fool

This is entirely true of an awakened empath.

An awakened empath has healed any codependency and emotional dependency they had previously. They no longer require validation and approval from others. They don’t fear abandonment. They know who they are. It is very difficult to deceive an awakened empath.

This is not understandable to those who seek to deceive. They don’t understand how someone can feel the anger beneath their so-called gesture of kindness. Empaths can.

Most empaths have not yet awakened. They discount their knowing to seek approval. They turn their back on their true self.

Myth #7 Empaths Feel and Sense Envy and Hatred

This one has been bastardized by some leading to erroneous conclusions.

Emotional empaths feel ALL emotions — joy, happiness, excitement, pride, fear, sadness, anger, hate, envy, and more.

This does not mean they feel envious of others or believe others are envious of them (a DSM criteria for narcissism).

Instead this means that…

• When their little brother is envious someone else got the promotion, they feel his pain and reach out in support.
• When their best friend is envious of her ex-husband’s new girlfriend, they feel it deeply.

The empath doesn’t become jealous of their friend’s ex-husband’s new girlfriend. They feel their friend’s pain as if they were in her shoes. Then they offer compassion and support.

Myth #8 Empaths Feel They Are Victims

False. Many empaths have been victimized. There is a huge difference.

Empaths do not wish to be victims. They do not require or even want that identity or label.

Sharing their experience is not “playing the victim,” any more than sharing your experience of your recent carjacking.

Myth #9 People with a History of Childhood Trauma Lack Empathy

Again, categorically false.

Debra Houry, MD, MPH in her Identifying, Preventing, and Treating Childhood Trauma testimony before Congress in 2019 reports that 60% of American adults have experienced at least one or more ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience, defined as abuse, neglect, or potentially traumatic experience).

Adverse Childhood Experiences are Big T trauma. When you add in little T trauma, it’s very rare for someone to get by without any childhood trauma.

Thank goodness we don’t live in a world devoid of empathy.

Myth #10 Hypersensitivity Is an Indicator of Lack of Empathy

How many ways can you say WRONG?

A narcissist, who lacks whole object relations and object constancy, may lash out saying…

• You never loved me.
• I was never good enough for you.
• I can’t live without you.

The empath feels the depth and breadth of those feelings. They feel the narcissist’s despair, abandonment, rejection, humiliation.

They also feel their own hurt, fear, and anger at receiving those words.

That’s a lot of emotions to handle. It’s too much. Of course, they’re likely to burst into tears.

Myth #11 Empaths and Codependents Get a Pass for Being the Victim

Again, we’re talking about two different groups of people.

This would be like saying that because your teacher is a brunette…

• All teachers are brunettes.
• All brunettes are teachers.

Moving on, codependent people do find and cultivate dysfunctional relationships with toxic and disordered people out of a search for external validation and approval.

This does not justify their abuse and exploitation, just as a man is not justified in raping a woman walking alone at night.

This is classic victim-blaming and victim-shaming.

Narcissists are disordered people. Their disorder includes impairments in interpersonal functioning, specifically exploiting others. Anyone who has been exploited has been victimized. Period.

Myth #12 Empaths Are Covert Narcissists

This is another example of terms being misunderstood, conflated, then regurgitated incorrectly. Let’s set this straight.

• Empath does not equal codependent.
• Codependent does not equal covert narcissist.
• Codependent is not the polar opposite of narcissist.

Most narcissists are codependent. Therefore, many codependent people share behaviors with narcissists, particularly covert, or vulnerable narcissists.

To be explicitly clear, empaths do not share the disordered thinking and behavior of narcissistic personality disorder.

Final Thoughts

While I believe most, if not all, of these myths were created by disordered people as a way of devaluing and dismissing empaths, not all of the people who spread these myths are disordered.

It can be very difficult to realize not everyone experiences the world in the same way. Some people never realize this.

Those who don’t believe it’s possible to be a true empath aren’t really different than a color-blind person believing no one can see the sky as blue.

Their mind is not open to seeing beyond their limited view of the world.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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