Is Empathy a Gift or a Self-Love Deficit?

Gosh, this still riles me up

A few weeks ago, I saw a tweet from a man claiming empathy for someone who has hurt you is not a gift, but a self-love deficit.

It really riled me up, I’ll be honest. I recorded a video on it that week.

First of all, this premise is entirely misguided. Second, he was selling a program to “help” empathic people as if they had a disorder.

Empathy is not a disorder

Empathy is understanding another person’s thoughts and feelings from their point of view, as if those thoughts and feelings were your own.

Empathy involves feeling deeply — feeling another’s grief, loss, fear, disappointment, uncertainty, as if you were in their shoes.

To those of us who have a great deal of it, it is a sense — just like vision, hearing, or smell. Sure, we can develop it, just like a musician can develop their ear for music, or a chef can develop their ability to discern different tastes. But it is a sense, something that is always present. Being empathic is not a choice.

Our other senses are perceived as gifts. So how can our sense of empathy be perceived as anything but?

If empathically feeling hurtful things is a self-love deficit, is watching the news or seeing violence on our streets a self-love deficit? What about hearing someone yell or curse? Or tasting your own tears of anger?

Empathy as a scapegoat

I will say this. All too often people use their empathy as a cop out, a reason to stay in a relationship in which every sign tells them to leave.

Empathic people also use it as an excuse to caretake, which by the way, is all about meeting your needs, not the other person’s. Caretaking is about you. AND it disempowers those you caretake. It takes away their ability to learn and to solve their own problems.

Yes, you feel the narcissist’s pain, fear, and anger. You know what they’re feeling, because you feel it.

Empathy + Action = Empowerment

What you do with that empathic knowledge is entirely up to you. You are empowered with choice.

To start, you also have the ability to know what you’re feeling and experiencing. Too many empathic people entirely discount this ability and only focus on the feelings of others. This is a mistake.

First, check in with your own feelings, emotions, and body sensations regarding the narcissist and their behavior.

Do you feel —

• Hurt?
• Angry?
• Betrayed?
• Scared?
• Contracted? (Like you’re making yourself small)
• Nauseated?
• Tense?
• Short of breath?
• Anxious?
• Confused?

Next, take care of yourself. You cannot help anyone else until and unless you are healthy and well — mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Just because you have a great deal of empathy, does not mean you are required to allow others to hurt you because they are hurting. Feeling their pain allows you to understand why they hurt you. It doesn’t give them a pass.

Think of it this way

If a bear was injured, in pain, and attacking you while you are hiking in a national forest, you wouldn’t allow it to attack you because you feel it’s pain. You would escape the situation. Once you were safe, you’d call a park ranger to get the bear help.

Choose to show yourself empathy. Choose to show yourself love. Take action to move yourself out of harm’s way.

If someone is hurting you, leave or change the situation. If you have to be no contact to keep yourself safe, accept that reality. If the narcissist struggles without you, that is their problem to solve, not yours.

If you don’t take care of you, no one else will.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Why Do You, the Victim, Apologize to the Narcissist?