13 Red Flags that Signal You May Be Dealing with a Covert Narcissist

If you don’t watch closely, you’ll miss them

Once you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, it becomes easy to spot some of the classic techniques and tactics of devaluation — deflection, projection, denial, triangulation, gaslighting.

Unfortunately, you’re still an easy target for the next. Narcissists use other tactics and techniques that feel familiar, even comfortable. Often, their behavior seems normal because you don’t have a healthy relationship for comparison.

And even more often, you’re a sucker for a covert narcissist after ending your relationship with an overt narcissist. The covert narcissist seems like a dream come true — until you realize you’re in a nightmare.

What if you could spot a covert narcissist long before devaluation and avoid loads of frustration and despair?

These 13 early red flags alert you to proceed with caution or better yet, run away.

1. The narcissist is over the top: They will tell you you’re so fascinating, amazing, beautiful, successful — whatever it is that they’d want to hear if they were you.

2. The narcissist moves fast: They will tell you they love you, tell you they’ve never felt this way before, talk about moving in together, or even talk about marriage and having children far earlier than you’d expect.

3. The narcissist lies about small or large things: They will tell their friends…

• That you both were late due to traffic, when there wasn’t traffic
• That their bonus was $5000, when they it was $2000
• That they rode 50 miles on their bike, when the two of you rode 25 miles.

4. The narcissist asks or expects you to corroborate their story: They expect you to confirm the traffic, bonus size, and bike mileage, even though you know they are false.

5. The narcissist feels nothing is ever their fault: There is always someone or something to blame.

• They missed the shot because the ball was wet.
• They didn’t get a promotion because the company favors snowflakes.
• They missed their flight because their boss didn’t let them leave on time.

6. The narcissist is a drama queen or king: They live for drama. Even though they say they hate it, drama follows them everywhere they go — and they eat it right up.

7. The narcissist tells you things you don’t want to know: They love to gossip. They’ll tell you their sister was raped, your co-worker has financial challenges, or the bartender used to be a woman. They share others’ private information in a way that makes you uncomfortable, wishing you could rewind the clock and not know this information, all the while wondering what they’re saying about you.

8. The covert narcissist gives you backhanded compliments:

• “Wow, I’m so impressed you’re comfortable going out with your hair like that.”
• “Wow, I’m so jealous of your success. If I were you, I’d brag, too.”
• “I’m surprised you figured out how to use the software. Good job!”

9. The covert narcissist is a victim and a hero in every story: They’ve been wronged more ways than you can count. Each time, they were a misunderstood hero.

10. The narcissist takes credit for others’ words and actions:

• You whisper a joke in their ear, they repeat it, everyone laughs, and they take credit.
• You purchase a bottle of wine, and they hand it to the host. (Think George Costanza and the big salad.)

11. The narcissist feels they are right about everything:

• “If only you were more educated on this topic, I’m sure you’d agree with me.”
• “I’m right. Don’t you agree?”
• “If only the boss realized she’s wrong and I’m right.”

12. The narcissist believes the rules don’t apply to them:

• They take up two parking spaces to avoid getting their doors dinged.
• They grab 3 cupcakes at a potluck when there’s only enough for one per guest.
• They skip in line.

13. They become emotionally dysregulated, even if only for a moment: In that moment, you’ve seen them without their mask. You’ve seen their rage lurking below the surface, and it is scary.

Each item, on the surface, may seem small. Many are. This is precisely why most people don’t recognize a covert narcissist until they’re in over their heads.

Imagine putting each of these instances on a Post-It note, color-coded by category, then sticking them to a whiteboard.

When you pull back and look objectively at the big picture, you see color-coded clusters of dishonesty, lack of accountability, entitlement, love bombing, devaluation, and rage.

That’s when you know moving forward will only bring you pain.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: If Covert Narcissists are Subtle, How Can They Be Dangerous? and Will a Covert Narcissist Become More Abusive Over Time?

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