Summary

The article outlines four subtle signs to identify a covert narcissist, emphasizing the importance of recognizing these traits to avoid emotional harm.

Abstract

The piece, titled "4 Insidious Signs You Might Be Dealing with a Covert Narcissist," provides insight into the covert behaviors of narcissists, which can be difficult to detect. It describes how covert narcissists often present themselves as heroes or victims in their stories, exhibit inconsistencies between their words and actions, view situations and people in extremes without nuance, and prompt others to make excuses for their behavior. The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, aims to educate readers on these signs to prevent the formation of trauma bonds and the subsequent emotional pain associated with relationships involving covert narcissists. The article serves as a guide to help individuals recognize and protect themselves from such manipulative behaviors.

Opinions

Covert narcissists are adept at creating a trauma bond with their victims, leading to a cycle of pain and manipulation.
Recognizing the patterns in a covert narcissist's storytelling, where they always cast themselves as a hero or victim, is crucial to identifying their behavior.
Inconsistency between a covert narcissist's words and actions, or between different statements they make, is a key indicator of their true nature.
Covert narcissists lack the ability to hold complex views, seeing people and situations as either entirely good or bad, which is a sign of their inability to experience object constancy.
Individuals often rationalize a covert narcissist's behavior, which enables the narcissist and perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
The author advocates for a cautious approach to new relationships, suggesting a "slow to hire, fast to fire" strategy to avoid entanglement with covert narcissists.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD positions herself as an expert in trauma and covert narcissistic abuse, offering a free risk-assessment guide and inviting readers to work with her for further support.

4 Insidious Signs You Might Be Dealing with a Covert Narcissist

Once you learn to spot them, you can spare yourself a world of pain

Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

Covert narcissists live in the world of subtle. They are nearly impossible to recognize, which allows them to hook you with a deep trauma bond before you even know what’s hit you.

Once you’re hooked, you’re led down a path of deep pain and agony that worsens until you either wake up or die.

Sound extreme? Life with a covert narcissist is extreme.

And it can be prevented. Covert narcissists are identifiable once you learn to recognize the signs.

Let’s break down the 4 most subtle, insidious signs you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.

#1 The covert narcissist is a hero or a victim (or both) in EVERY story they tell

This can be extremely subtle.

They may tell a victim story without sounding like they’re complaining — either in a self-deprecating way to get a laugh or just a story about their day.

They went to pick up a lunch order for the office and when they got back, discovered their meal wasn’t in the bag.
They were walking down the street, so into their music, that they ran into a pole.
Their flight was delayed, and they missed their meeting.

An offender is not required for the covert narcissist to be a victim.

The covert narcissist may tell a hero story without bragging. These stories are often very matter of fact, and the covert narcissist downplays any accolades.

They helped an old woman find her car in the grocery store parking lot.
They solved a customer’s problem at work.
They stood up for you to their mom.

A covert narcissist’s ideal story allows them to be both the hero and the victim.

I was late to work because I helped an old woman find her car in the parking lot.
I stood up for you and now my mom is not talking to me.
I solved the customer’s problem and Tony got the credit.

Sure, we all tell stories about unfortunate things that happened to us or our shining moments. When you listen carefully, you realize these are the ONLY stories a covert narcissist shares.

#2 Their words don’t match their actions

With a covert narcissist, something is always a bit off. Notice if their words match their actions or their other words.

They tell you you’re their top priority, then show up late for an important event.
They tell you they LOVE sports (because you do) but never watch a game.
They tell you they don’t like feeling impaired (because you don’t drink), then get drunk with their friends.

It’s even more subtle when their words don’t match their other words.

They tell you they’ve never had a good relationship and have struggled with trusting women, then ask you to marry them after 3 weeks of dating.
They tell you they don’t care about money, then suggest really expensive outings knowing you’ll foot the bill.
They tell you they’ve never felt safe with men before you yet are in regular contact with several old boyfriends.
They tell you that you can trust them with anything, then twist your words so they feel hurt.

The covert narcissist leaves you feeling confused or uneasy due to inconsistent messages. Trust your gut.

#3 The covert narcissist cannot see someone or something as both good and bad at the same time

They cannot be hurt or angry and still love someone. They see the world as black and white.

They either love their job or hate their job.
They either think their best friend is awesome and can do no wrong or, they have had it and never want to see them again.
They love their apartment complex, or they hate it and want to move.

The covert narcissist may flip-flop quickly, but they will not hold both viewpoints at the same time, because they lack object constancy.

A quick test of this is to ask a counter question, such as

Remember last week when you were so excited about the potential for growth at this job?
What about when your friend stood by you when your mom died?
Weren’t you saying how great it is that your apartment is so quiet and close to work?

The covert narcissist becomes irate when their viewpoint is challenged. It’s as if you’ve sided against them.

#4 You make excuses for their behavior, if only to yourself

You find you’re trying to convince yourself that…

They just had a bad day.
They’ve had a rough childhood, so it’s not their fault.
They just “forgot.”
Maybe it was an “accident.”

Ask yourself, “If someone else did this (insert your friend, co-worker, sibling, etc), would I tolerate it? Would I call them out? Would I end the relationship?”

When you find that you’re making concessions in your approach to this person, you may well be dealing with a narcissist.

Get out of the fire

Once you’ve been burned, it’s so easy to be burned again. It’s so common to go from one narcissistic relationship to the next. They set it up perfectly — coming to your rescue, soothing your insecurities, showing you a beautiful future with them that will never materialize.

If you’ve been involved with a narcissist in any capacity — parent, significant other, family member, friend, co-worker — memorize the insidious signs. Train yourself to watch and listen for them in every conversation.

Adopt a slow to hire, fast to fire mentality with new relationships. Move forward very slowly, being wary of those who want to move fast. Move on quickly if there’s even a question that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.

You’ll save yourself a world of pain.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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