POLITICS
GOP Presidential Debate Rescheduled After It Derailed in Horrendous, Spectacular Fashion
Circus shows are making a comeback
Turns out working experience at Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is required to rule the free nation. Not as a circus trainer, but as a caged animal who performs tricks for the audience’s amusement.
The GOP decided to promote these animals in their first Republican 2024 Presidential Debate. GOP chairwoman Ronna McDaniel claimed this was needed to unify the Republican Party in one unified front.
“The GOP used to be one republic. Now, it’s split into two fractions: The sensible Lincoln Party and the fascist, cultish Make America Great Again Party. Furthermore, many independent fractions formed to steal conservative voters from both sides.
“We need to nip this in the bud. We’ll host an extremely early presidential debate to weed out the weaklings. We need to pick one party and rally behind them.
“However, we hit a snag. Our lord and savior Brandon [formerly Donald] Trump chose not to attend. To be fair, Trump was ordered to turn himself in on Thursday. He’s spending his remaining days of freedom eating his last meal.
“All other candidates who stood with Trump dropped out in protest. This meant everyone but Ron DeSantis.
“However, DeSantis dropped out last minute to fly Mexicans out of Florida. Pilots in Florida are understaffed after the state killed them off through lenient COVID restrictions. DeSantis needed to step in to deport these immigrants. Even though these Mexicans are likely white morons who are trying to escape DeSantis’s genocide.
“We scheduled a debate on August 23, 2023, and have no candidates to show. The day we cancel this event is the day I’ll become a Democrat! I went bankrupt trying to get this hosted. I’ll scrape at the bottom of the barrel for candidates if it means keeping our time slot alive!”
10 minutes before the event started, McDaniel released the lineup.
Liz Cheney — Lincoln Party
After losing her Wyoming Congress seat to MAGA radical Harriet Hageman, Cheney used her free time to start her presidential campaign.
Lauren Boebert — MAGA Party
Boebert’s support of pedophilia crimes gained her a MAGA nomination. She’s running for president because Trump showed that you don’t need morals to do the job.
Marjorie Taylor Greene — MAGA Party
Greene’s discrimination of humans in favor of Neanderthals gained her a MAGA nomination. She’s running for president because Trump showed that you don’t need humanity to do the job.
Antonio Brown — Blonde Mustache Ride Party
Conservatives wanted a brain damaged, black NFL athlete to represent their good Christian values.
Andrew Tate — Make Masculinity Amazing Party (MMA)
Democrats funded Tate’s campaign so much that he drew enough conservative votes to run.
Charlie Sheen — Tiger Blood Party
After failing to win a seat West Virginia Congress, Sheen decided to run for president. He had this epiphany after a 12-day binge on black tar heroin.
We asked McDaniel why she allowed Cheney to participate, even though the GOP backed voter fraud conspiracy theorist Harriet Hageman in Wyoming. McDaniel shrugged.
“Hageman bashed Trump in 2016 and supported Republican Senator Rafael Edward Cruz’s presidential campaign instead. Are we now supposed to believe her newfound support for Trump stealing classified documents? We don’t tolerate this hypocrisy.
“Furthermore, voter fraud is dying in popularity. Congressional candidate Laura Loomer pleaded through tears that she was a victim of voter fraud among the Republican Party, even though she lost to Cheney by a landslide. This bitch had the balls to attack OUR American voting process? Ok Loomer.
“Cheney is the only GOP candidate in this lineup who doesn’t promote cult fan fiction. We need some sanity in this debate.”
We tuned into Fox News at 8:00 PM to watch this train wreck.
Ronna McDaniel
Good afternoon, and welcome to the GOP 2024 presidential debate! Let’s give each candidate a chance to introduce themselves. We’ll start with Tiger Blood Party candidate Charlie Sheen.
Charlie Sheen
Thanks, but I don’t need to introduce myself. You all know who I am.
Hey Marjorie. I heard you’re recently single. How’d you like to get a taste of the Charlie Sheen?
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Absolutely not! I don’t date broke losers.
Charlie Sheen
Aww, come on baby girl. I don’t got power. I don’t got money. But I got my daddy’s money.
I’ll buy the power. I’ll buy the money. I’ll make YOU Vice President of this country.
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Oh…well you’re sweet <blushes>.
What are you doing tonight?
Liz Cheney
Ladies and gentlemen, can we please have some professional decorum here? This is a political debate stage, not Bill Clinton’s oval office.
Mr. Sheen and Ms. Greene, please save your flirting for after the debate.
Mr. Brown, please pull your pants up. No one wants to see you stroking your exposed penis.
Antonio Brown
N***a, to hell with this white ass Christmas. Imma be coal and evolve like diamond under pressure.
Miss me with the bullshit. No more white women.
Liz Cheney
…I’m sorry. How do I respond?
Antonio Brown’s Translator
Hi, let me jump in. I’m Antonio Brown’s trans….
Antonio Brown
Cracka, get my name right!
Antonio Brown’s Translator
My apologies. I’m Mr. Big Chest’s translator.
Mr. Big Chest
That’s right, hoe! No more AB. I’m Mr. Big Chest y’all!
Mr. Big Chest’s Translator
As I was saying. I’ll translate what Brown said earlier.
“Why am I the only black man in a room full of white people?
“That being said, I have no problems representing an entire race. As an African-American and an athlete, I perform extremely well under pressure.
“Ms. Cheney, what you just said is nothing short of fecal matter from male cows. If you’re going to make allegations to my face, then please get your facts right.
“This is why white women shouldn’t be here. Some have accused me of rape, even though those are lies.”
Andrew Tate
The MMA supports Mr. Big Chest’s statement. Look at Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. 90% of America hates these white bitches. Not because they make shit up. Because they’re women.
Boebert and Greene don’t have the brains to comprehend. Giving them books is like lighting a match near gasoline. They read a few words, they start cherry-picking ideas and rambling nonsense. Boebert defends child rapists. Greene defends genocide. They don’t know what they read because they’re biologically dumb.
The world cannot be ruled by white women. Mr. Big Chest should not be silenced for speaking the truth.
Liz Cheney
I don’t support Tate’s misogyny. However, I agree that MAGA is a cult. Boebert and Greene are the latest brainwashed victims, and their words do not reflect the Republican Party as a whole.
We need to bring the Republican Party back to its core beliefs. Good, strong, Christian, family, heterosexual values.
Tate is not married at all. He is not fit to represent traditional family values.
Andrew Tate
My relationship status should not affect my capability to do the job. After all, smart people would never marry.
Think about it. I like beautiful women too much. Beautiful women are always jumping from guy to guy. From a logical point of view, I have to marry a woman uglier than me for a happy marriage. Life’s too short to wake up everyday looking at a pile of crap sleeping next to you.
To all the straight males that follow me. Stop settling for ugly turds. Get money and rise up the ranks. Be so good that hot chicks come to you. And never settle down. Keep 5 of them around so you can pick and choose.
Hell, buy the hot chicks if you have to. Raphael Edward Cruz already did so with Lauren Boebert. That’s a slight upgrade over his ugly wife.
Lauren Boebert
Tate, thanks for the compliment! I support you standing up for the oppressed, white, male incels…
Andrew Tate
Bitch, did I tell you to speak?
Charlie Sheen
Wait a minute. Every party here has one representative. Why are there two women representing the MAGA party? Am I seeing double because I snorted an 8 ball minutes before?
Andrew Tate
It was costly for MAGA to bring back Trump to represent them. It was way cheaper to pay two women to represent them than one man.
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Tate is a disgusting man. How dare he speaks the truth!
I don’t know why anyone bothers to listen to this failure. Tate is a one hit wonder in every aspect. He created one successful Ponzi scheme, and got banned. He had one hit single in 2007, and never cracked Billboard again.
Andrew Tate
I’m no singer. I never reached Billboard.
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Oh really? You have no memory of your music career, huh? All that boxing and fighting gave you CTE?
You bragged to everyone about how you were in that hoe. How you supermaned that hoe. How you passed that hoe to an Arab so he can crank it up. Why are you friends with a terrorist?
Do you really not remember that song you released under your nickname!
Andrew Tate
…my nickname is Soldier Boy. Did you think my nickname was Soulja Boy?
Mr. Big Chest
Cop me 2 chains, we gon tie down this bitch’s mouth. All that running to shoot caps and climbing up tha yewtree.
Tryna be King Kong here you hobnob? You got da looks that get you them skeet of baboonaphiles. They bust on ya cause they don’t trust you b fugly.
Mr. Big Chest’s Translator
I think he’s saying
“Will someone please tell this women to be quiet? Please give me 2 chains so I can stop her from running her mouth. She is annoying me with her lies and support of pedophiles.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks she’s as respectable as King Kong, even though she’s a dimwit who sleeps with people of higher statuses for political gain. The only thing she and King Kong have in common is how hairy they are.
“Considering Marjorie Taylor Greene is the last of the Neanderthals, she will only get procreated from males who are attracted to hairy women. They won’t give her the courtesy of looking at her eyes during fornication because they believe she’s incredibly unattractive. They don’t trust her enough to be on plan B, so they ejaculate on her back during intercourse.”
Liz Cheney
Ok, this is getting out of hand. What’s McDaniel even doing? Shouldn’t she be moderating this?
Actually, where IS McDaniel? Did she dip after the introduction?
Ronna McDaniel
Excuse me, I’m right here.
Liz Cheney
Ok, very funny George Santos.
Ronna McDaniel/George Santos
SIKEE! Ronna McDaniel never existed! She was George Santos all along!
I cleverly disguised myself and fooled you all into thinking I was a GOP chairwoman. I am a master of disguises! It’s how I avoided my crimes in Brazil by legally changing my name to Hakeem Jeffries!
I’m proud to announce my presidential candidacy in 2024! I will win by identifying myself as Donald Trump!
Liz Cheney
Santos, you can’t change your identity whenever it’s convenient for you. This is a political debate, not a pride parade.
Can we PLEASE get back on track…
Kanye West
Holdup, holdup, holdup. Cheney, Imma let you finish. But I gotta ask.
I just heard about this conservative presidential debate. Where are the black representation y’all?
Why ain’t Herschell Walker invited? Walker represents the Green Social Justice Party.
Why ain’t I invited? These MAGA fools are fake Nazis. I am a real Nazi! I would gladly abuse a Jew for art!
Why there’s only one black man here on stage? Is Mr. Big Chest really the best you can do?
Liz Cheney
Mr. West, can you please step off the stage?
Charlie Sheen
No no no. West got a point here. Let the man stay. You know anything about this Cheney?
Liz Cheney
<sigh>
Mr. West, you and Mr. Walker weren’t invited because you both didn’t get enough votes. Mr. Big Chest got enough votes to be on this stage.
Furthermore, Mr. Big Chest is the perfect representation of you two. He emulates your bipolar persona. He emulates Mr. Walker’s football and domestic violence persona. It was better to knock out two voting groups with one candidate than to elect two different ones to split up the Republican Party event further.
Kanye West
Oh look. A white woman once again trying to silence the black man. You all are just scared of having more than one black person on stage. This is racism! This is oppression! This is black genocide!
And you dare choose Mr. Big Chest over Ye? I am a GOD! I am a lyrical genius! I won Grammys! I started a billion dollar sneaker brand! I dated Kim Kardashian! I even got pregnant!
I also gave birth! Even though my child is Kimmie’s ex Pete Davidson.
I’ve accomplished far more than Mr. Big Chest over here. How come he got the spot and I don’t? You all hate to see black men be more successful than you?
Let’s be real. You chose Mr. Big Chest over me on this stage because he’s far more crazier than me. You want your voter base to see black people as imbeciles.
I’m an intelligent genius who makes money everyday. Mr. Big Chest is a broke ass clown who needs someone to translate his nonsense. I am FAR more qualified than Mr. Big Chest, but you all chose him over me. You all just want to perpetuate harmful black stereotypes.
Charlie Sheen
This may be the drugs talking. But Kayne has a point. This really isn’t even a fair debate. We don’t have candidates that represent every group of conservative Americans.
Cheney represents rich respectful conservatives. I represent drug addicts. Tate represents incels and toxic masculine men. Mr. Big Chest represents retards. Boebert and Greene represent poor white trash.
What about the voice for black conservatives? Or Nazis? Walker and Kanye are capable representatives!
Hell, even Leeland Yee should have been on this stage. Yee is a quadruple threat. He could attract the Asians, the terrorists, the porn stars, AND the Democrats!
George Santos
I say we need to redo this debate. We need more black candidates up here. Like me.
Liz Cheney
Fine. We’ll stop this. This was going off the rails anyways.
We’ll reconvene in a few weeks. In the meantime, I suggest you all actually prepare to debate on crucial issues instead of turning this into a circus show.
Kanye West
Hell yea!
You’re going down, Mr. Big Chest. You don’t have what it takes to be a politician. I’m besties with Trump. I’ll take all your voters while he rots in jail!
Mr. Big Chest
Whole lotta you can’t get on this level. You be dropping fires while I be charizarding on yo bitch. You don’t gone none badges to tame me n the JoJo Game.
They wanna finish us cause they ain’t us. Word around town that I’m always the answer. Algebra got nothing on the answer.
Hate it or love it, you all mofos need more than 50 cents to get with me. Imma be needed like H thruh O. Bow down to the roadman!
Mr. Big Chest’s Translator
I give up. I have no idea what he’s saying.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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