POLITICS, WORLD EVENTS
Tucker Carlson Leaves Fox News To Become Iran’s Next Ayatollah
Iran’s White Savior
Once you go brown, you never escape town.
Tucker Carlson chose this path after his TV ratings declined significantly. Not because viewers turned on him after he blasted Donald Trump through texts. Despite Carlson’s well-known hatred of Trump for the Capitol insurrection, Trump forgive him.
“Look, I love Tucker. He’s a very good person a very good man and very talented and he had very high ratings. I know Tucker wasn’t angry at me, but angry at past Donald Trump. Who, by the way, is a SORE LOSER!”
Fox News fired Carlson following a sex assault scandal. Surprisingly, the scandal wasn’t about his sexist workplace culture. It was about Carlson’s abusive relationships with his wife and M&M sex slave.
Fox News CEO Lachlan Murdoch released a statement on Carlson’s termination.
“Fox lost billions after broadcasting their hosts and supporters crucifying Jesus Christ again. We can’t afford any more financial mistakes.
“We depend heavily on Carlson to keep us afloat, but our safety net was cut open following his financial missteps.
- He lied about actor Will Smith joining al-Qaeda. He fell for something that was 100% made up, and promoted it as truth. We are now getting sued by Smith for slander.
- He humiliated our key investor and partner Rand Paul just because the Senator said he went to medical school with Dr. Pepper. Yes, we know Dr. Pepper isn’t real. But our viewers don’t know that! We need to cater to their fantasy, not give them the truth!
- He spread too many lies that we had to settle with Dominion for three fourths of a billion dollars! That’s half of the nation’s debt! You think I got that kind of money?!?!?
- He went on air to say that the liberals were 100% correct!
“We can tolerate all of this, but we draw the line at abusive sexual relations with a candy. Carlson should have known better than to keep this mascot all for himself. Hasn’t he heard of sharing is caring?
“Furthermore, Carlson lost viewers in many demographics for the following reasons.
- Evangelical Christians were shocked that Carlson would fornicate with inanimate objects, as the Bible doesn’t allow sex with chocolate
- White supremacists were irate that Carlson would sleep with a brown person, as this taints the pure bloodline for white generations
- Alabama locals were shocked that Carlson’s mistress isn’t his sister
- Kentucky and Tennessee locals were alarmed that Carlson’s mistress isn’t a child bride
- Hershey Company were stunned that Carlson would repay their sponsorship with abusing one of their mascots
- Poor rural whites were surprised that Carlson would fuck their food instead of giving it to them to alleviate their starvation.
“Carlson no longer has the attention of a market segment that fueled Fox News for years: brain-dead America. For this reason, we’re out. ”
On April 24, 2023, Carlson took to LinkedIn to sugarcoat his layoff.
“I will be leaving Fox News to accept a new position with the Iranian government. I will be one of the twelve Shia clergy, and will continue to preach my gospel of conservatism and screwing people over. Starting today, you will address me as Islam’s newest Ayatollah.
“I like to thank Fox News for giving me a voice that should have been silenced years ago. Thank you to all my viewers who supported my nonsense.
“While I may no longer support Jesus Christ, I will still echo his principles under my new prophet Muhammad.”
We’re surprised that Carlson wasn’t appointed as the Prime Minister of Russia. Considering how frequently their media plays his criticisms towards US and Ukraine, the citizens would gladly make this fake news creator their leader.
We were also amused at how far the Soviet Union has fallen. When transgender and mother-wannabe Vladimir Putin is deteriorating both physically and mentally, his subordinates turned to a candy rapist to keep fascism strong.
We reached out to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani on this change. Rouhani shook his head.
“I would have preferred an Iran liberal to be the next Ayatollah. The last thing we need is another man who wants to oppress rights for minorities and spread misinformation.
“Carlson doesn’t care about making the world better. He cares about power. He lost the power struggle in Fox, so this was his next alternative.”
We asked Rouhani why Carlson was even considered for the job. Carlson has openly badmouthed Islam, shunned Muslims, and preached violence towards anyone reading the Qu’ran.
“Ever since COVID struck, many ayatollahs tried to spread misinformation. Ayatollah Abbas Tabrizian warned citizens that getting the COVID vaccine will make them gay. Please. Even if that was true, so what? They can tolerate abusing women and children, but sucking dick is where they draw the line?
“Regardless, Tabrizian tried to capitalize on this homophobia. I instead used his words as truth and showed the public why being gay is a blessing.
“Reduced violence for women and increased sexual activity for men. Now that Iran went through a gay revolution, citizens no longer support Tabrizian. They neede a new leader who can speak for the LGBTQ community.
“Iran is ready for a gay Ayatollah. Tucker Carlson fits the bill.”
We asked Rouhani why he felt a white, candy-fucking man like Carlson would be the perfect voice for the brown homosexual community.
“I think Carlson is awful. But Iran felt he was perfect for these reasons.
- Carlson falsely said that COVID-19 makes people more feminine. Yet, Carlson took the vaccine. This means he wants to be gay.
- Carlson sexually assaulted an M&M. Iranians were pleased that Carlson, a white conservative, fell in love with someone brown.
- Carlson hints at white supremacy violence to protect mass shooters’ “great replacement” ideology. Iranians were pleased, as they too resort to violence to fuel their agenda.
- Carlson pursued people with names similar to M&M. Allegedly, he’s been sexually harassing the white rapper Eminem. This gay activity is admired by our homosexual citizens.
“I tried to talk sense into my people to little avail. Gay sexual violence is more prominent than ever. A young Iranian man was killed during a 4-way, homo, incestuous lovers’ quarrel.
“Citizens want a leader who will go after the perpetrators of gay violence with everything they have. They want to fight fire with a bigger fire.
“Carlson is aggressive. He is hateful. He is spiteful. People believe he will bring justice to this poor Iranian man through violence. ”
We reached out to Carlson on his plan to reduce gay sexual violence. Carlson smirked.
“I will tighten the prison walls and enforce torture to get rid of violent homosexual lust. I’ll need someone to oversee this prison infrastructure. I can’t think of anyone better than my colleague and neurosurgeon Ben Carson.
“Carson is just like me, minus the L. I got that L from my father and from Fox News.”
Carlson smirked.
“Carson always wondered why a lot of inmates go to prison and come out gay. Now, he has his chance.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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