POLITICS, SOCIETAL INJUSTICE
Ron Johnson Preaches Gun Control After Realizing Memphis Police Officers Who Killed Tyre Nichols Are Black
Ending racist brutality with racism
There are three things that scare Republican Senator Ron Johnson the most: death, taxes, and black men.
The Democrats tried to exploit this last fear to their advantage in the 2022 Wisconsin Senate race when they nominated Lt. Governor Mandela Barnes. Though unsuccessful, Barnes still got close enough for Johnson to reconsider using COVID’s 6 feet distancing rule for segregation purposes.
We were impressed that the Democrats are finally playing smart in this game of politics. First, they funded Donald Trump’s presidential campaign in order to steal votes from Republican Ron DeSantis.
While the Republicans bicker over a divided house, the Democrats can win the election with their candidate Woodrow Willson style.
Now, they’re using Johnson’s racism to bring back pandemic protocols. We applaud this creative solution in fighting an epidemic. Yes, the liberals were late in their discovery. But better late than never.
Furthermore, the Democrats can leverage Johnson’s racism to end America’s biggest export: domestic mass shootings.
Democrats have preached gun control following a slew of police brutality killings and mass shootings. Despite proof that it works in other countries, Republicans fought against safety measures in the name of freedom. It doesn’t matter if everyone’s safety is compromised. That is the price to pay for our born right to bloodlust.
Johnson originally supported everyone’s right to bear arms. Including the mentally deranged. Schizophrenics, narcissists, MAGA. Even Sam Bankman-fried paid back FTX investors in guns, as firearms were loosely regulated by the government.
However, Johnson changed his tune after 29-year-old black man Tyre Nichols was killed by the Memphis police. Johnson took to Truth Social to voice his new opinion.
“When I first heard of Nichols’s death, I was initially relieved. America is now one black man shorter. I can finally sleep at night.
“However, I got incredibly scared when I found out the 5 police officers who beat up Nichols were black. Now, we have 5 black men who know how to use a gun. America now gained 5 black men who will haunt my dreams.
“I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Everyday, I worry about a random black man potentially firing a gun at me. All the black people I’ve met haven’t done so, but I can’t wait around until they do!
“I need to get rid of them, but I used up all my money narrowly beating Barnes in the elections. I can’t fund another Travis Scott Astroworld concert just to kill more black people legally!”
Johnson shook his head.
“We need to overhaul the Memphis police task force. They’re not good at their jobs in keeping the public safe. Hell, we did the same with the Uvalde police force. We replaced the incompetent officers with folks who were better equipped than them for the job: the child survivors of the Uvalde shooting.
“Get rid of black police officers! They will keep America unsafe!”
We reached out to Johnson on his racist proposal. Race doesn’t prove law enforcement incompetence. The police have been hiring emotionally stunted, low IQ officers for years. State law enforcement is so inept that Republicans have pushed to replace the FBI with them just so Donald Trump won’t be held accountable.
Johnson shook his head.
“Yes, law enforcement generally hires man-children. But that’s cause healthy, smart individuals know better than to join law enforcement! You’re putting your life on the line just to earn enough to live in a Brooklyn trash can!
“Even if high-IQ individuals want to join law enforcement, what’s stopping them from leaving a mundane job after 2 years? WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!”
Johnson mused.
“We know low-IQ folks can’t handle stress that well. Do they need an outlet to channel their frustrations? If so, then why did the department fire Tennessee cop Maegan Hall? She was willing to sleep with the entire department for stress relief! Going from killing a black man to gang banging a horny white chick is a safer way for them to blow their load.
“Alas, enforcement doesn’t care about the emotional well being of their employees. In that case, we should sign up Memphis for a year long subscription for Zoloft!”
We asked Johnson how he would supply anti-anxiety medicine for law enforcement, as he’s already suing billionaire Mark Cuban for making medicine affordable to the public.
Flustered, Johnson declined to comment.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
Also, this is the 200th piece we published! Hot damn!
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