POLITICS
Republicans Push To Replace The FBI With The Uvalde Police
Hire people we know won’t do their jobs
Why hire competent people when you can hire brainless, yes men who won’t outperform and replace you?
Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene proposed this strategy after she tweeted to defund the FBI. We were amused that a Republican now hates blue lives. Yes, we know we shouldn’t be surprised at all. Republicans vetoed President Joe Biden’s attempt to allocate $320 billion for law enforcement. However, Republicans defund the police in private while vocally supporting efforts to help them in public. This is the first time that a Republican matched her public words with her private actions.
Greene video streamed her speech from her bedroom, which was located in Smithsonian Museum of Natural History’s neanderthal exhibit.
“Brandon [formerly Donald] Trump is a savior among us imbeciles and poorly educated. He is the only man who will make our voices heard give power back to us snowflakes. He prioritized our feelings by endorsing my Muslim genocide to get rid of Islamophobia.
“Trump wants to make this country great again by bringing back the Medieval Ages. This was the only era where everyone but white men of royalty is screwed. This is how society should function. Success and happiness is not meant for everyone! As long as you’re white, good looking, and have a penis, God will love you!
“Trump gave us back the gift of torturing minorities and controlling women. His actions prove that he is above the law! No one can touch him! It is no surprise that the FBI overstepped their boundaries when they invaded Trump’s Mar-a-Largo home. It doesn’t matter if Trump kept hundreds of classified documents that detailed national security. It doesn’t matter if Trump violated the Espionage Act and could face prison time. It doesn’t matter if Trump intended on sending details of America’s security to the country’s public enemy, and Trump’s mother, Vladimir Putin. The FBI offended our leader and must be held accountable!
“How dare the FBI did their jobs! They should have known better to look the other way, as Trump is a descendant of Jesus. I don’t care if Jesus was reborn and criticized the actions of our former president. Jesus’s views didn’t align with Trump’s, and Jesus had to be crucified as a result.
“It’s time we defund the police and replace the FBI with incompetent sycophants. I urge the GOP to substitue the FBI with the Uvalde police force! The Uvalde police did absolutely nothing when a school shooter went on a rampage for one hour. I can’t think of a more incompetent task force to lead the nation’s law enforcement.”
We were alarmed that Greene wanted to dumb down the police force. A police officer’s job is to wield weapons to protect the citizens. Low-IQ candidates should be disqualified for having this kind of power. Furthermore, police have been discriminating intelligent candidates for years. Dumbing down the force even further will create a militia of Forrest Gumps testing out gun weapons on their mouths.
Immediately after Greene’s speech, former police officer rejects banded to protest her claims. Security guard Robert Jordan condemned the Neanderthal for allowing dumbfucks to join law enforcement.
“I graduated college at the age of 49 and scored a 33 on the intelligence test. The average score for police officers in New London, Connecticut is 21.5. I exceeded the maximum IQ of 27 for Connecticut’s police. They rewarded my excellence by giving my job to a brain-dead moron.
“What is this discrimination against the gifted and talented? Is it appropriate to punish high-IQ candidates just because they can do the job far better than others? Oh right, this country did choose a smashed pumpkin over the Secretary of State as ruler of the free nation in 2016.
“Regardless, I sued the police for intelligence discrimination. However, I lost. The reason? The judge agreed that I was too smart for this job, and that I would leave for another job within a year just for more mentally stimulating activities. The police would rather hire an imbecile who is content with the mundane police work, as it’s cheaper to retain an idiot than hire and train a smart replacement.
“I’m sorry, but how is this my problem? If my high intelligence is a concern, then pay me more! Or promote me! Or give me more responsibilities! That’s the way of capitalism, is it not? Would you expect the Green Bay Packers to let Aaron Rodgers walk because they think he would find being a quarterback of the cheese curd state boring? Nonsense! They would find ways to bypass the salary cap to pay his bonus in ivermectin!
“This lawsuit happened in 2000. I’m 71 now, and just retired from my job as a prison guard. I loved law enforcement and would have enjoyed that opportunity to serve and protect others. Turns out I had to promote QAnon, encourage fascism and Nazism, and drink Trump’s urine to detox vaccine effects just to be allowed to wield a gun.
“It’s 2022, and Greene wants to dumb down the police further? We already have a handful of dangerous officers who think it’s ok to use guns whenever they see fit. Ex-officers Daniel Pantaleo and Jonathan Freitag already subscribe to the Code of Hammurabi to justify killing unarmed minorities.
“Our goal is to get rid of the bad apples, not increase them! Stop penalizing smart applicants and people who do their jobs!”
We asked Jordan who the FBI should hire instead. Jordan replied
“I think the FBI did an excellent job in holding Trump accountable for his crimes. I think all officers should stay.
“I don’t see any reason why we should appease the far-right. It’s a travesty to replace competent officers with Uvalde cops who cowered away from a 15-year old for one hour. If Democrats must do so to keep their votes, they would be better off replacing the FBI with child survivors of the Uvalde school shooting. The Uvalde child survivors have done more than the actual city’s task force during this tragic event. Plus, it’s easier to train children than grown man-children.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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