BUSINESS, POLITICS
Trump Golden Ice’s Profit Quadrupled After CEO Claimed The Product “Detoxes” The Vaccines
Another reason for anti-vaxxers to drink Trump’s urine
Anti-vaxxers will go to extreme lengths to avoid a vaccine. Especially if it means consuming a 70-year old man’s pee.
The urine of Brandon [Donald] Trump has become a popular commodity ever since it made its debut in August 2021. Millions of MAGA supporters began hoarding this pee in hopes to become rich.
We would have made fun of them for thinking that a celebrity’s urine has monetary value, but we held our tongue after realizing liberals were doing the same with celebrities’ non-fungible tokens (NFTs).
Seriously, who drops $1,000,000 on a JPEG that people can screenshot? It makes sense if the NFT can get you into a conference or an event, but collecting digital art for showing off makes no sense. But if you have that much money to piss away, then please consider buying Ellie Salvaje’s articles that are sold as NFTs. At least your money will help this author pay their debts to the Yakuza.
Nevertheless, the demand for Trump’s pee skyrocketed so much that Trump was unable to match the supply to satisfy his customers. Trump shook his head in awe.
“It’s incredible! We used to charge $50 per bottle, but are now charging $3000. Trump Golden Ice is now as valuable as a share of Amazon! Some of my supporters were smart enough to resell it at higher prices! One great American farmer thanked me for creating such a product. Not only did he find it delicious, but he also resold enough of his supply to other intelligent men to pay off his farm debts!
“Like I said, this product will make you rich! Screw the liberal media for telling you to invest in ETFs, stocks, bonds, NFTs, and cryptocurrency. They want to keep you poor! Trump Golden Ice is an incredible investment! The price will keep climbing up! There’s no way it will ever go down!”
Yet another entry to David Letterman’s Famous Last Words.
A week after Trump boldly made this statement, Trump Golden Ice price significantly tanked to 50 cents. Around that time of the doomsday drop, our article on Trump Golden Ice got picked up by various news outlets, who sent undercover journalists to investigate Trump’s urine supply chain. Many reporters confirmed that the 70-year old man was lying to his investors by hiring homeless people to piss enough bottles of Trump Golden Ice. Demand for this product dropped drastically after this reveal, as MAGA felt betrayed that they were no longer ingesting “rich DNA”.
“I can’t believe it! I trusted Trump! I blew my life savings on this product because he told me it would make me rich! Why would he give me poor piss?” MAGA supporter Scottana Baioto screamed. “This is the last straw! I supported him through voter fraud. I terrorized the capitol on January 6th upon his orders. Now, I feel like a fool for drinking someone else’s urine instead of his!”
We struggled to understand Baioto’s frustrations, as he was duped by a well-known snake oil salesman. That being said, a fool and his money are soon parted. We followed up with Baioto one week later to see how he adjusted. To our surprise, he bought even more cases of Trump Golden Ice with his recent pay check. Curious, we asked Baioto why he decided to buy on the “dip”. Smirking, Baioto showed us a recent commercial aired on Fox News in regards to Trump Golden Ice.
“Hi, I’m Brandon Trump. I want to address concerns of Trump Golden Ice. I did not deceive my supporters. I promised them a product that will help them get rich. You can’t get rich if you’re dead. I needed to outsource production of this fantastic drink so that I can keep you all alive. I needed more help to make sure my consumer base is safe.
“Right now, millions of people are dying from COVID. Scientists, including Dr. Fauci, have failed you. They have not done their job. They created an ineffective vaccine¹ which doesn’t work 100%. You all are right to not trust the vaccine, but the government won’t listen to us. This is because ANTIFA has infiltrated the government and forced the vaccine mandate upon us. They want to control us! They want to monitor our every behavior through chemical injections, even though they can already do so through tracking our smartphones!
“We won’t give into their twisted ways and their gross attempts to gain insane power. We have to fight back! Fortunately, I have an incredible medical research staff. They attended Trump Medical School, so you know they’re the best in the country. They’re even smarter than those dumbasses that went to Duke Medical School!
“My superstar staff worked day and night to detox the effects of the vaccine you all were forced to get. Through their research, we discovered that a select group of people had urine that had essential chemicals to remove the nanotechnologies from your body. All these special people are homeless. They have been blessed by God with the gift of fighting the vaccine.
“I wanted to keep you all safe and healthy, and I also want to help you become rich beyond your wildest dreams. Starting today, I’m releasing two brands of Trump Golden Ice: Detox and Profit. Detox will help you remove the vaccine from your body, while Profit will help you get rich. It’s time to take natural immunity seriously. It’s time to become rich. It’s time to buy both brands just so YOU can own the liberaltards.
“I’m Brandon Trump, and I approve this message.”
Baioto turned off the TV. He then revealed that he bought 100,000 cases of both Profit and Detox.
“I knew that Trump wouldn’t take advantage of me. I trust this glorious leader and his sound medical staff! Their statements are in line with my fantasy, and I’m grateful to have been heard.”
We thanked Baioto for his time and went back to office. 7 hours later, the price of Trump Golden Ice Profit jumped from 50 cents to $2000. The price of Trump Golden Ice Detox jumped from 50 cents to $7000. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell made Trump Golden Ice Detox the official drink of the NFL. Confused, we asked Goodell why he would support anti-vaccination when he’s been forcing vaccine mandates. Goodell stated.
“I don’t support anti-vaccination. I want all the athletes and NFL staff to be vaccinated. There’s no proof that Trump Golden Ice Detox removes vaccine effects. But I did promise to get everyone in the league vaccinated by 2022. If we can convince these dumb athletes that Trump Golden Ice Detox works as advertised, then we can convince them to get vaccinated on the false promise that the effects will be “cleansed” later. Through this false propaganda, everyone in the league will be vaccinated.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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Footnote #1: The vaccine is not ineffective, despite what MAGA wants you to believe. But it isn’t 100% perfect. We all need to get vaccinated to battle this disease. With various variants (Delta, Lambda, Mu, Omicron) springing up, the current vaccine alone isn’t enough to handle them. We need to rely on masks and herd immunity more than ever.
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