BUSINESS, POLITICS
Trump’s Golden Water Sales Skyrocket After FDA Revealed The Key Ingredient Is The CEO’s Pee
Piss Perfect
Republicans will go to extreme lengths to justify their opinions over the truth. That would explain why Donald Trump is still popular.
In a desperate attempt to pay off his debts to Vladimir Putin, Trump launched a new product under his brand: Trump Golden Ice. A spinoff of his prior bottle water brand (Trump Ice Natural Spring Water), Trump claimed that this water is the healthiest and most prestigious water compared to all other brands.
The bankrupt scam artist claimed.
“Now look, I’ve been to a lot of cities. I’ve seen the true America. The hard working men who get their hands dirty to farm, work in factories, run small businesses, and protect our country. These are the real Americans. It is terrible that the liberals and ANTIFA are getting rid of the jobs that once made this country great. It is disgusting that the backbone of America is struggling to survive.
“I’m rich. I don’t need to do this. But I do it because I want to. I am honored and blessed by your support, and I found a way to repay you. To help you all keep your jobs and make more money to own the libs, I’m introducing a new bottled water brand: Trump Golden Ice.
“Trump Golden Ice is perfect for people to do their jobs efficiently and rise up in social class. It is gold, so you know that’s what rich people drink. Because it is gold, you also know that it is more nutritious and healthier than normal water. I’ve tasted this myself, and I love it. I can’t stop drinking it every day.
“Believe me, I drank this when I was battling COVID. I was told that I would die, given my health risk. But I defied all doctors and survived not through advanced health treatment funded by taxpayer dollars, but by drinking Trump Golden Ice every single day!
“Don’t take it from me, though. Just ask my daughter Ivanka. She bathes in this type of water daily, as it keeps her skin soft and moist. While she gets it directly from the source, you people can get it indirectly through packaged bottles! You too can look as young and healthy as me, and as hot as Ivanka!
“You people need energy to keep your jobs, beauty to rise up in the world, brains to make money instantly, and muscles to fight off ANTIFA. Trump Golden Ice will get you there!”
Trump gave free samples to his supporters, and even charged $7.40 a bottle at his rallies. Despite the unusual odor, the MAGA supporters claimed they never tasted water as divine and pure as this.
Due to the rising demand, Trump made arrangements to replace all water with his golden product in Trump Hotel. His plans were short-lived, however, as the FDA declared that Trump Golden Ice can no longer be sold/distributed unless it was approved. After a week-long investigation, the Commissioner of Food and Drugs Incumbent Janet Woodcock disclosed her findings.
“We tested Trump Golden Ice to detect any harmful chemicals in his “water”. Water doesn’t look golden, despite Trump’s claims that it changes color for people who are bound to be rich. We noticed some unusual chemicals that contributed to a strong odor.
“After investigation, we realized that Trump Golden Ice is nothing more than a liter of Trump’s urine. This product is unsafe to consume, and we encourage people to not buy this brand.”
Trump jumped on his Twitter Burner account IvankaDaddy to angrily tweet the news.
“Janet Woodcock is a LIAR who wants to be poor. Based on her last name, it’s clear she makes false claims to hide her shame of her husband being terrible in bed. SAD.”
CNN and PBS dismissed Trump’s tweet as fake news, with CNN warning buyers to not buy this harmful product. Dr. Sanjay Gupta stated.
“Kidneys are used to filter out toxins in your body, which come out as urine. Drinking urine will reintroduce those toxins and cause long-term kidney damage. There are no health benefits to drinking urine, yet alone that of an unhealthy person.”
We reevaluated the conservative reaction towards Trump Golden Ice, expecting response to be less favorable. To our shock, far more conservatives supported this product, with some requesting bulk shipments. We pulled out some messages from a popular Parler thread, where MAGA supporters hailed Trump’s “divine” creation.
“The liberaltards are claiming this is Trump’s piss. This is nothing more than a lie. Our great leader would dare not humiliate us for his own profit.”
“Dr. Sanjay Gupta, or should I say Sanjay Goon-ta. You do not deserve the title of Dr. How dare you use science and truth to promote liberal conspiracies! This is nothing more than a QAnon plot to destroy Trump’s image.”
“I’ve tasted Trump Golden Ice and it is delicious! It tasted nothing like pee. No, I’m not saying this just to cover up my recent humiliation. I will stand by my beliefs and continue to drink this till the end of time. I will also tell my friends about this great product just to drag them down with me in my own shame.”
“Even if this is Trump’s own urine, what’s so dangerous about it? Trump is generously giving us a chance to be rich, and providing us with his DNA. We would be stupid not to take it. We all want to be as smart as him and rise up in the world!”
FoxNews capitalized on their stubborn fanbase by promoting Trump’s golden water on their news segment. Tucker Carlson was shown drinking such on live television, encouraging users to purchase this expensive creation for a staggering $50 per bottle. The massive price hike from $7.50 stemmed from complexities in the black market supply chain logistics. Nevertheless, far more dealers sprung up around midwestern cities and red states with loads of cash and urine bottles in their trench coats.
We asked the DEA if they were planning on cracking down on these dealers for distributing an FDA unapproved product. Principal Deputy Administrator Preston Grubbs surprisingly declined to pursue.
“We investigate drugs that have an immediate health impact. Cocaine, heroin, meth, and other hardcore drugs can quickly kill innocent people in a single night. These drugs are insanely addictive and are usually done incorrectly.
“Yes, urine toxins damage kidneys. But so do alcohol toxins. Both are damaging if consumed frequently long term. It’s true there’s no beneficial effects to piss, but there’s no short-term disastrous side effects. Just as long as people consume their drinks in moderation.
“I see no reason why we should waste government resources to track down dealers selling an inconsequential product. If people want to consume a 70 year old man’s pee, that is their prerogative. The freedom to slowly kill yourself is what makes America so great.”
Grubb’s statement made a lot of sense, and we were fine with MAGA supporters taking steps to get rid of themselves. However, we were astounded that Trump’s bladder can supply half a nation’s thirst. We got a tip that an abandoned factory in downtown Oakland created Trump Gold Ice, so we headed down to see how Trump created his product. We took San Francisco’s BART to Oakland, and were pleasantly surprised that the subway no longer smelled of homeless urine. Our admiration was short lived when we got off the train and saw a long line of homeless people squirming while standing outside of the factory.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading!
If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.
Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.