POLITICS

In A Desperate Attempt To Remain Relevant, Donald Trump Legally Changed His Name To Brandon

Least he didn’t change it to Joe Biden

Good news, there’s one less Donald Trump in the world to worry about. Bad news, that’s still one Donald Trump too many.

Donald Trump Jr., now known as the real Donald Trump, has announced on a campaign email that his father, Donald Trump, legally changed his name to Brandon Trump. We somehow got the email, despite neither voting nor endorsing this disgrace of humanity. We have no idea how both Trumps got ahold of our email address, but we are glad they gave us this hilarious content. As a thank you to all of our fans for supporting us, we’ll share with all of you the contents of this email.

The email has a Save America — President Brandon Trump logo on top. Donald Trump [Jr], formerly known as “the reason couples use Trojan Condoms more than ever”, spared no expense to remind us how “rich” his daddy is.

Ellie,

There’s absolutely nothing the Fake News and Left-Wing mob will not do to protect Joe Biden’s failing record as President of the United States.

These losers and RINOs are DESTROYING everything my father accomplished! This conniving bunch tarnished my father’s good name so much, that people now refer to the mentally disabled as a Donald Trump. This disgusting trend forced my father to change his name to Brandon Trump. I’m truly honored to have Brandon Trump as my father, as he is still fighting back against ANTIFA’s dirty tactics. My father is not giving up, and I expect YOU warriors not to do so as well.

This is why it’s critical we stay on track to CRUSH our Mid-Month Goal this month. This is the ONLY way to ensure we have the resources to WIN BACK my father’s majority in 2022, and then again in 2024.

We’ve finalized the list of Mid-Month donors. YOU were identified as my father’s TOP supporters. Having enough cash is enough to SAVING AMERICA from Joe Biden and his liberal cronies, which is why I’ve convinced my father to EXTEND your PERSONAL 400%-IMPACT OFFER FOR 1 MORE HOUR.

Please contribute right now. I know my father will be looking for your name on the donor.

Thank you,

Donald Trump (no longer Jr)

We were amused that someone has made donating to a fake news candidate an act of proud exclusivity. While it does take a kind of special to promote a nonsensical dimwit who makes things up as he goes along, we are better off attempting to double our savings in GameStop stock. Compared to funding a campaign against voter fraud, our GameStop investment has a greater than 0% chance of success.

We were also amused that the original Donald Trump changed his name to Brandon. We originally thought this orange narcissist changed his name because he saw himself as Superman. We reached out to Trump’s spokesperson Liz Harrington, who told us the surprising backstory.

“‘Let’s Go Brandon’ is a euphemism for ‘F*** Joe Biden,’” Harrington stated. We were confused as to why Republicans are trying to avoid cursing. Are they really that offended at adult language? Are they bigger snowflakes than liberals? “No, it’s a meme,” Harrington continued.

“NBC reporter Kelli Stavast was interviewing NASCAR racer Brandon Brown on October 2021. On the background of the interview, you can hear audience members chanting ‘F*** Joe Biden’ loud and clearly. To save face and avoid FCC fines, Stavast attempted to cover up the chants by saying “How about it Brandon? The crowd is chanting ‘Let’s go Brandon!’” This hilarious misdirection resulted in another phrase to criticize the current president.”

We asked Harrington why Trump wanted to name himself after a meme.

“Trump is an emotional man-child who lives in his own delusions. It doesn’t matter what the truth is. He only supports his fantasy. He will validate your existence only if you agree with the things he “believes” in. However, Trump also craves for positive attention and admiration. For that, he has to acknowledge that some of his thinking is incorrect just to win people over. As you know, accomplishing this task is the equivalent of getting a male pregnant. It’s impossible.

“Trump wants to have his cake and eat it too. To calm his Mar-a-largo temper tantrums, we told him that he is correct in believing he’s a winner. But it is his responsibility to make others see that as well. We suggested he change his first name to ‘Brandon.’ When our viewers and followers hear ‘Let’s go Brandon’ chants on television and radio, they will think that Trump is still successful. Capitalizing on a meme will put Trump back on the political and entertainment map. Trump agreed 100% to change his name, as he desired for people to see him “winning” again.”

We questioned Harrington’s statement that Brandon [Donald] Trump was winning before. Trump was winning in the same way Charlie Sheen was “winning” after his televised bipolar rant. Sheen lost custody of his children, lost job offers, lost his romantic partners, and lost his freedom (due to sex assault allegations). Similarly, Trump lost in every aspect of his life and continues to sabotage any chance of success.

• Trump lost the election fair and square. To make sure he never wins another election, he told all his supporters to not vote in these “rigged” elections (don’t you just love it when problems solve themselves?).
• Trump lost in all his golf tournaments. To make sure he never wins in golf again again, he cheated his way through all tournaments and handicapped elite players just so no one will play with him ever again.
• Trump lost 6 business due to bankruptcy. To make sure he never secures another business loan again, he started driving his other businesses into the ground and scarring sponsors away.
• Trump lost in intelligence, as his Wharton professor claimed he was the dumbest student alive. To make sure he will be known for his stupidity, Trump bankrupted a casino. Seriously. He bankrupted a casino. How do you bankrupt a business where people voluntarily give you money for no products?
• Trump lost in romance. He divorced 2 times. His current wife Melania refused to sleep in the same room as him. Porn star Stormi Daniels came out to say Trump’s dick is soft as Charmin. To make sure he never gets laid again, he started bragging that he could “grab ’em [women] by the pussy.”
• Trump lost in political image and branding. His name is now synonymous for mental retardation. To make sure he is never taken seriously ever again, he turned to Twitter to spew racist, sexist, and nonsense comments. He also alienated his supporters by using their donations to pay off his debts instead of contesting “voter fraud.”
• Trump lost in being the worst president of all time. Yes, Trump divided this country further than before. Yes, Trump lead a treason on January 6th 2021 to take over the Capitol. Despite all of this, Trump amazingly didn’t create a Civil War. Until he does, that title still belongs to James Buchannan.

Harrington cut us off by saying that Trump did win the election in 2016. “Trump may have lost everything, but he at least won this! Yes, he didn’t win the popular vote against Hilary Clinton, but he still narrowly beat her in the electoral vote. ” We asked why Harrington was bragging about Trump narrowly beating a woman. If Trump was as big as a “winner” his supporters claimed he was, then shouldn’t he have obliterated Clinton in the election?

Harrington sheepishly agreed.

“Fine. Trump had every handicap to own the liberals: liberals not choosing Bernie Sanders, liberals choosing non-charismatic Hillary Clinton, liberals appointing a woman instead of a man. And yet, he was close to losing. So Trump did lose in every aspect of his life.”

Harrington then brightened up.

“But we can spin this in a positive way! Trump continues to lose because he never desired to be a winner! Our compassionate leader wants to give everyone a fair chance of success. Trump really wanted to become the world’s biggest loser! By losing in every aspect of his life, Trump is slowly “winning” in this competition. No one else out there lost as much as him!”

We asked if that was true, then why did Harrington convince Donald Trump change his name to Brandon. Now that people are chanting “Let’s go Brandon,” Donald [Brandon] Trump is now improving his brand and winning the advertising and marketing game through word-of-mouth. Flustered, Harrington declined to comment.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to bing all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.

Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.