POLITICS, FOREIGN AFFAIRS

Vladimir Putin Invades Ukraine To Prove He’s A Good Mother

A Soviet Union guide to helicopter parenting

This piece covers controversial topics, including child abuse, war, and violence. Proceed with caution.

Following the Trump presidency (those two words will always be tragically hilarious), we wondered if America would stoop down lower and elect a Karen. Turns out Russia elected one in 2000.

Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered his country’s troops to invade Ukraine on February 24, 2022. Putin defended his controversial takeover, claiming that Ukraine’s decision to join NATO has threatened Russia’s security.

“The Goliath (Russia) can no longer feel safe because the midget David (Ukraine) has become a powerful threat to our identity. Ukraine’s leadership is fascist. They increased military spending to bully their citizens. It is Russia’s goal to protect Ukrainian citizens who are subjected to genocide. We need to step in to demilitarize and de-Nazify Ukraine.”

We wondered what the hell Putin was rambling about. Last time we checked, Ukraine has neither genocide nor Nazis in its nation. If so, their president Volodymyr Zelensky would not be Jewish. To the MAGAs who fail to understand this, let us break it down for you. Finding a Jewish Nazi is equivalent to finding at least one piece of evidence that shows USA President Joe Biden stole the election. You can’t find one because it doesn’t exist.

Ukraine has long supported democracy and is tired of Russian corruption infiltrating its politics. We don’t know why Putin thinks that calling citizens of democracy “fascists” will help overthrow a country’s government in favor of corruption and power among the few. Has he learned nothing from the United States’ 2021 failed insurrection?

We refused to get in touch with Putin, as we’re afraid of being poisoned by Russians with TCDD dioxin. Instead, we took a safer approach and reached out to Putin’s son: Donald [now Brandon] Trump. The autistic orangutan spoke nothing but high praises for Putin and his desire to keep the white, corrupt males in power.

“Look, everyone knows that I’m a stable genius. It’s why I turned Trump Golden Ice into a billion dollar brand! That being said, I couldn’t have done this without my dear father Vladimir Putin, the man who passed down his intelligence to me. Yes, I know my birth certificate said that Frank Trump was my father. But he wasn’t my daddy. Putin was. He taught me that anything is possible if you lie enough.”

We couldn’t understand Trump’s nonsense, so we reached out to his daughter-turned-mistress, Ivanka Trump. Ivanka got defensive.

“For the love of God, will you STOP attacking my dad? Haven’t you done enough to destroy my sugar daddy’s bank account? It’s not my older lover’s fault that my grandfather Putin regularly beat him as a kid. My dad never experienced fatherly love from the Russian leader, and wants to destroy American democracy just to get Putin’s approval.

“Furthermore, his deteriorating mental health, one he proudly showcases through Twitter rants, comes from the beatings he as a kid suffered from his Russian father. If you have any empathy, PLEASE STOP WRITING ABOUT BRANDON TRUMP!”

We were shocked that Putin thought abusing his son was an appropriate parenting style. Does Putin not care about being a good father? We reached out to Putin’s top critic Garry Kasparov, who fled to New York City after Putin ordered his head. The chess grandmaster gladly sat down with us, eager for another chance to attack Putin.

“Putin does not care about being a good father. He only cares about being a ‘good’ mother.”

Confused, we asked Kasparov to explain.

“Putin believes he is the only leader who can bring back the Soviet Union. Despite the union’s flaws, Putin still wants to keep power among the Russian oligarchs. The half-naked bear rider surprisingly chose to be recognized as a mother instead of a father of this archaic nation. Putin believes that mothers are admired and respected, while fathers are routinely mocked. Clearly, this dude has watched one 90’s sitcom too many, as fathers are portrayed as imbeciles for comedic effect.

“However, Putin doesn’t act as a normal, empathetic mother. He acts as a helicopter parent. Putin doesn’t care about his children developing into independent thinkers and self-sufficient beings. Putin cares about micromanaging his children’s moves, inserting himself into their affairs when things don’t go their way. It’s his way, or the high way. His children — Brandon Trump, Armenia, Belarus — are afraid of going against Putin’s beliefs in fear of angering Mother Russia.

“This helicopter parenting style is disastrous! Putin destroyed Trump mentally to the point that the reality TV star now depends on Putin’s money to cover up his bankruptcies. I don’t blame Ukraine for realizing they don’t want to end up like Trump. Trump can no longer function without adult supervision, and Ukraine believes that distancing themselves from Putin and joining NATO improves their security and economy.

“However, Putin won’t accept that his style is wrong for Ukraine. Rather than understanding that former Soviet Union’s baby birds need to spread their wings and fly on their own, Putin is hell-bent on clipping their wings just because his babies aren’t flying the way he desires. Putin refuses to give in, as doing so forces him to accept that he failed as a mother. Putin will unleash terror just to keep his caregiving identity secure.”

Kasaparov clenched his fits. His blood boiled just enough to be used for Satan’s tea.

“Enough is enough! I spoke out against Putin’s authoritarian policies, and subsequently fled the country to avoid persecution. Putin’s officials poisoned Ukrainian president Viktor Yushchenko in 2004 just because Yushchenko supported democracy for his country. Putin provided asylum for Ukraine traitor Viktor Yanukovych, who refused Ukraine’s free trade agreement with the European Union and was subsequently ousted from Ukraine during the Maidan Revolution.

“Putin needs to realize that former Soviet Union countries do not want to bow down to his reign of terror and economic depravity. He can’t just annex Ukraine the same way he did Crimera! This madman must be stopped!”

We were shocked that Putin cared more about his image as a toxic mother than as a great leader. We asked Kasparov if this meant that Putin is considering a gender transition to turn into the Iron Lady. Kasparov stared at us.

“I asked Putin that same question. He walked away. Next day, I got death threats from the KGB. Given Putin’s close ties with Fox News and the GOP, I would not be surprised if he was seeking gender transitioning advice from Lincoln Ingraham (formerly Laura Ingraham).”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.

Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.