SOCIAL REFORM
Uvalde Police Replaces Officers With Child Survivors Of School Shooting
Better for kids to do something than for adults to do nothing
An old Asian proverb dictates that older men should go to battle so that their children don’t have to. This proverb doesn’t apply here, as this is America.
The home of mass shootings prides itself in doing exactly the opposite of China to protect their “freedom.”
- Chinese pride in working hard to get a great education and change the world through science, math, and technology. Americans pride in partying and having fun through the tools that Asians built.
- Chinese believe in acquiring skills to back up their confidence in certain subjects. Americans believe in speaking nonsense with a confident voice to get by.
- Chinese care about future generations, as they had no issue with mask and vaccine mandates. Americans care about themselves, as they screwed over their neighbors just to avoid itches on their noses.
- Chinese restrict free speech. Americans allow it. This is a win for America if you ignore that free speech gave MAGA and conspiracy theorists like Kyrie Irving means to spread their bullshit.
- Chinese have gun control laws that prevent sale of weapons to mentally unstable people. Americans have businesses that sell weapons to mentally unstable people.
- Chinese practice communism to screw over the poor. Americans practice capitalism to screw over the poor.
Let’s be clear. We DON’T support the politically corrupt China. They are against our free speech interests. We would be arrested if we supported Hong Kong or published our real news in Chinese media.
No matter how flawed their ideals are, the Chinese are willing to make sacrifices for the greater good and for future generations. Americans, on the other hands, only care about themselves. Following the aftermath of the Uvalde Texas School Shooting, journalists discovered some horrifying facts.
- Police officers were summoned, but didn’t apprehend the shooter 50 minutes after the attack began.
- Bystanders yelled at the police to stop the shooter, as they were more of them and only one shooter. The officers refused, as they were afraid of getting shot.
- Parents who protested and decided to jump in to stop the shooter themselves were arrested and handcuffed by the police. Parent Angeli Gomez got out of the handcuffs, rushed into the school, and ran out with her kids and a few others.
The public outrage for police officers not doing their job intensified. Texas Safety official Steven McCraw stepped up to apologize for his colleagues’ selfishness.
“In my years of working, I have never seen something so tragic that could have been easily prevented. I blindly assumed the police would do their jobs. What is the point of hiring law enforcement when they don’t protect the public? We could have given that money to fund Raphael Edward Cruz’s flight to Cancun or his limo ride to the NRA convention. Kids will still get killed regardless.
“It breaks my heart to see parents do more to stop the shooting. Even when the police were handcuffing them for ‘interfering’, I am impressed that they would put their lives at risk to keep future generations safe. If I could, I would give each of the parents the Chinese Badge of Bringing Honor To Thy Family. I hope they can accept this award as consolation for losing their children.
“To the public, I profusely apologize on behalf of Texas Law Enforcement. We should have done better to hire candidates who give a shit about protecting the public. In light of these events, we have released all police officers who did nothing for 50 minutes into the Uvalde school shooting. We’ll replace them with candidates who care about the public’s interests: children who survived the shooting.
“Now. Please don’t attack me for exploiting child labor. If the Chinese can do it, so can we! That being said, we have reasons why children make better soldiers than adults.
“First, I can’t hire the parents of the children due to conflict of interest. We had reports of some police officers running in earlier to get only their kids out of the building. They were willing to let other children die. Shame on us for not hiring philanderers who fathered multiple children out of wedlock. If they fathered all the school kids, then all children would be saved.
“Second, this isn’t China. This is America. Every man is for himself. It doesn’t matter how young you are. You should still learn self defense and wield a weapon to protect yourself from any attack. No-one will care about you as long as you’re walking on two feet. The only time people ever gave a shit about your existence is when you were still in your mother’s belly.
“It’s time children understand the harsh truth about the world. Had we done a better job of teaching them self defense, they could have been better equipped to kill the shooter themselves. The children were the only people doing something 50 minutes into this tragedy. They could have done more if we gave them appropriate training and resources.”
McCraw stated that he already reached out to comedian Sacha Baron Cohen to implement this Kinderguardians scheme. Cohen was shocked, as he created this fake scheme to trick Republican senators into backing an outrageous proposal for comedy. After hearing McCraw’s reasoning, Cohen realized that this scheme needs to be implemented in real life.
We asked Cohen his justification. Cohen beamed. “I’m tired of taxpayer money being wasted on inept men wearing police officer uniforms. As Dave Chapelle once said, just because these people dress a certain way, that does not make them police officers.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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