POLITICS, LGBTQ
Milos Yiannopoulos Boasts He Became Gay To Prove That Homosexuality Is A Mental Disorder
A rare self-burn
A gay conservative is an oxymoron. However, the GOP feels that sexuality doesn’t matter as long as you’re mentally retarded.
The first man to ever “prove” to the world that sexuality is a choice is once again back in the spotlight. Self-diagnosed mentally challenged troll Milos Yiannopoulos stated that he would intern under a Republican politician 2022.
“After falling to victim to cancel culture in 2017, I’m thrilled to be back in politics. Yes, my comments were so extreme that the Republican Party disowned me. However, time heals all wounds. I’ve found a perfect representative who is as idiotic as me. I’m excited to join Marjorie Taylor Greene and help promote her Muslim genocide just to get rid of Islamophobia!”
We reached out to Greene, who defended hiring a pedophile supporter to represent her QAnon ideologies.
“Milos Yellow Polos was forced to step down for supporting child molestation and pedophilia. The GOP didn’t align with those values back in 2017. 6 years later, the GOP has changed their mind. Josh Hawley apologized for segregating this group from the GOP. The Supreme Court has made child pornography legal.
“Pedophiles are people too. It’s time to bring back Yellow Polos into the spotlight. His comments were ahead of his time. We must forgive him for being so progressive.”
We reached out to Yiannopoulos on what he learned during his exile from Twitter. Yiannopoulos smirked.
“Really? I’m a conservative. You think I learned shit? All I ever learned was that I could switch sexual preferences easily. Being gay is not something you’re born with. It is a lifestyle choice guaranteed to make gay people unhappy and in pain.”
We asked Yiannopoulos why he thought being gay is a choice.
“I went gay just so I don’t have to deal with nutty broads and, worse, feminists. After marrying my husband, I realized that this was all a sham. I went to a gay conversion therapy clinic in the Vatican Church and got rid of the homosexual in me. I’m proof that being straight is a choice.”
We questioned Yiannopoulos’s claim that he is straight, as he’s still married to his husband. Yiannopoulos grinned.
“Oh please. I’m straight baby. Doesn’t matter if I still give my husband blowjobs. I always made sure to say “no homo” at the end. As long as I say that phase, I’m still straight.
“Furthermore, my husband has a 10-inch horse cock. This is insanely useful whenever I get stuck in a liberal rally. Feminists are afraid of male reproductive organs, and I need my husband’s dong to keep those man-haters 6 feet away from me.”
We asked Yiannopoulos why he “chose to be gay” in the first place. Yiannopoulos smiled.
“Duh! To prove that homosexuality is a mental disorder! I was mentally insane during my gay phase. Therefore, anyone part of the LGBTQ community are retarded.”
We asked Yiannopoulos to clarify.
“Here are my three key points.
“First, men are usually gay because they were molested by pastors when they were little boys. A priest engaged in sexual relations with me when I was young. But rather than seeing this as abuse or pedophiliac, I saw this as a ‘coming of age’ relationship. That older man helped me discover who I am, and gave me security, safety, and love. Seeing an abuser as a lover is mentally deranged in every way, but that’s how I saw him. My feelings are exactly how the gay community sees abusers, and I can attest that all gays suffer brain damage.
“Second, I used to kid that I only became gay to torment my mother, I wasn’t entirely joking. I don’t know any sane boy who would switch to the other side just to torture his mother. As a representative of all gays, I can say that we are mentally deranged for torturing our parents.
“Third, I said some crazy shit during my gay phase. I called Leslie Jones a man. I called myself a racist for not dating white men. I created a college scholarship to help the underprivileged white men, as they have suffered enough under the tyranny of the LGBTQ, female, and ethnic communities. Only a mentally insane person could say those things. Since I was gay when I said this, I am proof that all gays are mentally insane.”
We told Yiannopoulos that we didn’t understand his arguments at all. A whole barrel of fruits is still fine despite one rotten apple. Yiannopoulos is just projecting his craziness on an entire community.
Yiannopoulos smirked.
“Am I though? Have you seen how disordered the LGBTQ community is?
“Look at Ezra Miller! Dude is constantly fighting fans and getting into bar fights. He chokes his fans to submission. He even groomed a high school Native American girl and convinced her to escape with him. This guy is trying so hard to be Ghislaine Maxwell.
“Look at Ellen Degeneres. Gay icon who abuses her staff behind the scenes. Yet, she puts on a lovable, caring front for the cameras. How does one live with that hypocrisy? Is she secretly evil all along, and just needs to abuse her staff more to compensate for her sweet public image?
“Look at Vladimir Putin. He declared a war on a country just so he can solidify his identity as a woman! Why on earth would he sacrifice thousands of citizens just to cut off his dick?
“At the end of the day, gays are just fucking assholes. Figuratively and literally.”
We were still confused by Yiannopoulos’s projections. We pivoted and asked Yiannopoulos what he plans to do during his internship. Yiannopoulos stated that he plans to raise Republican schizophrenic votes.
“It’s no secret that the GOP wants to screw over people less fortunate than them. We have no problems making medicines extremely expensive. Schizophrenics are still mad at us for increasing the price of Aripiprazole.
“However, I do believe the GOP can get these mentally ill people to vote for their cause. Yes, we’ve screwed over schizophrenics in the past. However, we were able to get a group of them to storm the capitol on January 6, 2021. If we can convince people to perform terrorism, we can get them to vote for us in office.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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