POLITICS
China Foils US Military Invasion After Twitter Outed Nancy Pelosi’s Domino’s Investment
The real Pizzagate
Social media, meaningless violence/war, and pizza have something in common. No, we’re not talking about QAnon.
Twitter shockingly announced that the US suffered many casualties in its latest attack on China. Yes, the USA attacked a communist country that isn’t Russia. With the Metaverse hype booming, demand for semiconductors skyrocketed. With little to no materials to satiate this exponential demand, Republicans declare war on China in hopes of seizing their silicon under the guise of “weapons of math destruction”.
We were stunned that the USA prioritized iPhones over Ukrainian lives. With the way the Russia-Ukraine war is headed, Ukraine’s security is far better than Apple’s.
We visited the war room to interview the general who lead this failed US invasion: Sergeant Donald Davis-Ulrich-Campbell-Kennedy. Actually, this is a long ass name. We’re going to refer to him as Donald D.U.C.K from now on.
Donald D.U.C.K stated.
“Just like Donald Rumsfeld did with the Iraq War, we Republicans have invaded China to secretly exploit their resources under the guise of locating dangerous weapons.
“The CIA wouldn’t approve our mission to invade Chinese land primed for silicon, as they didn’t want to waste billions on another war. Regardless, we GOP raised more than enough money via Asian hate propaganda. We used the funds to create a secret militia to invade Shenzhen, China.
“Our campaign was so successful that Meta Platforms donated money directly to this militia just so they can attempt to build their Metaverse.
“With this useless war, Americans can finally enjoy scrolling through the internet while shitting on the toilet.”
We asked Donald D.U.C.K the aftermath of the invasion. The MAGA hung his head in shame.
“I ordered 100 of my brightest men to attack our enemies in the dark. In one hour, all my men were wiped out! How can this be? I gave them elite weapons, tanks, and helicopters! Our intelligence showed that Shenzhen didn’t have the appropriate city militia to withstand our attacks. Yet, they killed all my men while suffering 0 casualties! Did someone tip them off?”
We asked Donald D.U.C.K if China sent spies to infiltrate the US government. Donald D.U.C.K stared at us.
“Really? You’re questioning USA security? We are the greatest country in the world! We take great pride in our background checks and our monitoring of employee activity! There’s no way spies infiltrated our government! Ok fine, Russia did infiltrate Congress through the Republican Party. But that was through bribes and Donald [now Brandon] Trump!
“China doesnt want to give Americans money. They want to take theirs under promises of cheaply made goods!”
We were about to give up hope until we saw empty stacks of Domino’s pizza boxes on the table. We asked Donald D.U.C.K if this war room also acted as a recycling bin. Donald D.U.C.K quacked.
“Negative! We just order Domino’s Pizza late at night when we conduct an invasion. We did the same when the Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1991. We spent all night scrambling, and needed fuel to keep us awake.”
We asked Donald D.U.C.K if his team was responsible for Domino’s Pizza stock price soared drastically from $440 to $4400 in one night. Analysts were shocked that Domino’s Pizza stock rose tenfold despite posting beat earnings and revenue goals by 500%, thus making America’s cardboard delicacy more valuable than Amazon.
Donald D.U.C.K shrugged.
“It’s possible. But what’s your point?”
We asked the general if some politician knew about this invasion, and decided to drop millions on Domino’s Pizza just to capitalize on this short-term gain. China could have connected the stock price hike after hours to the invasion.
Donald D.U.C.K’s jaw dropped.
“Good. Lord. Was it that damn Pelosi? Her stock transactions are monitored 24/7 on social media! Did China deduce an invasion based on her investment?”
Donald D.U.C.K ordered the speaker of the house to enter the war room for questioning. Pelosi’s face turned pale.
“Oh my goodness! I’ve been trying to find another big bet after blowing my life savings on GameStop.
“I need to recoup my losses fast! I heard there was an attack planned in Shenzen, I knew those Republican cronies would buy pizza to fuel their murder, so I dropped $10 million in Domino’s Pizza shares last night.
“I didn’t expect China to get ahold of my transactions! I thought they dismissed America media outlets as nothing more than fake news and propaganda!”
Pelosi’s carelessness helped China so much, that the country hailed July 16 as Nancy Pelosi Day. Chairman Xi Jinping promised Pelosi a position in his cabinet as a reward for her saving millions of Chinese lives and, more importantly, millions of silicon for the country to use.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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