Semiconductor Shortage Forces The Republican Party To Declare War on China

Deja Vu.

After a string of boring news days, we logged onto Reddit to scroll through their trending content. Following their acquisition of Parler, we saw a slew of conspiracy theories, racist comments, and terrorist plans. With a community of hateful and despicable people, we can now provide juicy and sensational content to publish on our parent publication Extra Newsfeed.

A theory trending in the last 3 days has caught our eye. Proud Republicans and racists are promoting Republican Party Chairperson Ronna McDaniel’s stance that the US should invade China through violent means.

We were curious about this newfound Asian Hate promotion, and reached out to McDaniel for her reasoning. McDaniel sat down with us and stated.

“The Chinese are beating Americans at their own game. They are excelling in science, business, and technology. At this rate, China will be a better global superpower than America.

“How is it that a communist nation is destroying capitalism at its own game? It simply can’t be that the Chinese value education and studies more than us. Clearly, our time spent worshiping Kim Kardashian and Donald Tump makes us smarter than China. It’s clear that the Chinese have some secret weapons that are accelerating their growth. Something that is giving them an unfair advantage in their growth.

“It’s clear that China is creating something much worse: weapons of math destruction. This is a huge threat to American democracy, and we must find those weapons before they are unleashed.”

When asked if they had any proof, McDaniel stated. “Look at the Coronavirus. They engineered the virus and created a biological weapon to unleash on the world. Yes, they needed the help of America’s Batman to spread it. But this shows the Chinese are dangerous and must be stopped. It’s obvious they’re secretly building weapons to make them smarter than the rest of the world.”

We claimed there’s no concrete proof that China manufactured the virus. Blaming a country on a global pandemic is dangerous and racist, given the surging Asian hate crimes in America. Nevertheless, McDaniel refused to believe us. We aired our interview later that night, but received backlash and death threats from Republicans who are steadfast in their racist beliefs.

We tried to understand why the Republicans are hell-bent on declaring a useless war on a foreign country. These unique circumstances reminded us of another war we heavily criticized in the past: the Iraq War. We tried to find parallels, and noticed some key similarities

• Iraq War was a war fought as part of the war on terror. This new China War will be a war fought as part of the war on coronavirus. There are no groups of people that can be easily identified with supporting terrorism/coronavirus.
• Iraq War was supported by American public because the Republican Party stated it was to get back at the terrorists for creating 9/11. The China War is gaining support because the Republican Party stated it was means to get back at “terrorists” for creating the Coronavirus.
• Critiques of the Iraq War were skeptical about the existence of weapons of mass destruction. This was later proven to be correct, as such weapons didn’t exist. Critiques of the China War, including us, are skeptical about the existence of weapons of math destruction.
• At time of the Iraq War, people were complaining about hiking gas prices. This was a result of an oil shortage. Now, people are complaining about waiting for months to get a PlayStation 5, Nintendo Switch, or an iPhone 12. This is a result of an ongoing semiconductor shortage
• Aftermath of the Iraq War, people were pleased about reasonable gas prices.

Putting it all together, we shockingly realized that the War on China was declared just so the American public can get their electronic devices faster.

We were horrified that America is hell bent on wiping out an ethnicity for the sole purpose of quickly acquiring devices to spread hate on Parler while taking a dump. We tried to warn the FBI about this dangerous Republican propaganda, and rushed to Chief Christopher A. Wray’s office. Unfortunately, news broke on CNN that a bombing at the Beijing Technology and Business University killed 10 people. The perpetrator was quickly identified as an Islamic extremist of the organization Al-Qaeda.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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