POLITICS, ENTERTAINMENT
Ron Johnson Sponsors Travis Scott’s Astroworld Just To Kill More Black People
This concert is something to die for
Republican Senator Ron Johnson gets goosebumps every time black people come around. Travis Scott may be the exception.
The politician, who beat ivermectin champion Aaron Rodgers as Wisconsin’s Biggest Disgrace, came under fire for supporting the Capitol Hill Terrorist Attack in March 16, 2021.
“I wasn’t concerned, because these Trump supporters would never do anything to break the law. I would have been concerned, however, if those people were Black Lives Matter or ANTIFA protesters. There’s no doubt in my mind that they would be protesting if Trump won the election.”
We congratulate Johnson for finally acknowledging that Biden won the election. Even though Johnson is an avid conspiracy theorist who was caught on tape lying that the election was stolen despite knowing that Trump lost. It took 2 months for Johnson to backtrack his lies, which is still shorter than Kim Kardashian backtracking her first marriage.
We are aware that we are lowering our standards by praising Johnson for shutting down a conspiracy theory. However, we do have to show compassion to old dudes battling dementia. Johnson knows damn well that it’s illegal to threaten government officials with violence. So why on earth is he forgiving his supporters for chanting “Hang Mike Pence” during the Capitol Hill Terrorist Attack?
Johnson’s comments were criticized so much, that the Senator jumped on C-SPAN to complain about being silenced.
“Freedom of speech means I can say whatever I want without dealing with the consequences! Plus, did you expect me to not be racist? I was born in 1955, for Christ’s sake! I was raised by a grandfather who lived when slavery was legal! Cut me some slack!
“I don’t know why people are outraged that an old, white boomer like me gets scared when a black man with a hoodie was standing next to him at night! Although I don’t know why black men are sitting that close to me in movie theaters. I triple checked to make sure I wasn’t carrying fried chicken, watermelon, grape soda, or welfare checks!”
The self-proclaimed liberal intolerant wished he chose his words correctly. Wisconsin’s uptick in African-Americans may have cost Johnson a seat in the next election. Desperate to regain approval from the black community, Johnson tried to appease them with a music festival.
“My fellow citizens, just because I’m afraid of black people, does NOT mean I’m a racist! I do want to work with them to keep myself in power. Starting today, I’m proud to announce my partnership with superstar rapper Travis Scott! I will pay out-of-pocket for Madison’s 2022 Astroworld Concert! I am impressed by Mr. Scott’s ability to hype up the crowd, and I look forward to our business relationship!”
We were surprised that Johnson was eager to give Scott a second chance. Following the Astroworld Festival crowd crush, sponsors pulled out of supporting the entertainer. The hip hop mogul is facing lawsuits from families of the victims who died during crowd suffocation. We reached out to Scott to ask how he was able to get this second chance. Scott turned on the beat to Butterfly effect and free-styled.
Astroworld. Brought me so much pain.
I’m suffering. Financially, Yo.
I rose big. Got me so much dough.
Now my job. May not exist here. Anymore.
Scott then turned off the beat to speak normally.
“I can’t stand old rich white dudes, but I need the money. I need to recoup my financial losses. Johnson may be a racist fuck, but he was the only n**** who gave me shit. He said the money was mine on the condition that I perform Astroworld exactly the same as I did in 2021. More lenient security restrictions, tighter crowds where people can’t breathe, and packed spaces to encourage trampling. Does this cracker wanted me to kill more people?
“
Whatever man. I’ve seen more deaths when wannabees coordinated the tans with the beans in their rockstar skinnies. I’ve seen bitches die when they snorted 3 lines like Adidas. Like all drug overdosed deaths, Astroworld deaths are just side effects of partying too hard.”
We were surprised that Johnson wanted to recreate the Astroworld gas chamber, one that would get Adolf Hitler’s seal of approval. We followed up with Johnson, who cleared the air.
“Look, I’m not a racist. I have a black friend in Travis Scott, so you all can’t attack me!
“But look, African Americans scare the shit out of me! I don’t want any of these hooligans in Wisconsin! It’s not my fault that I’m terrified of melanin!
“I read up about Travis Scott’s Astroworld disaster. The world blasted him for ignoring safety protocols and encouraging closely packed crowds. Those congested crowds suffocated the victims, who died within minutes. I also noticed that most of the people who attended were black. I figured, why not kill African Americans legally through Astroworld concerts? They will at least die doing what they love.”
We were shocked that Johnson wanted to revert America’s future back to what it was in 1950: a dystopian cesspool for anyone who wasn’t a white male. We tried to warn Travis Scott fans of this horror on Facebook. We instead got mocked and shunned, with the fans blaming us for infringing on their right to party.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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