POLITICS, SOCIAL INJUSTICE
Josh Hawley Apologized For Holding Republican Pedophiles Accountable
Hawley regrets putting the nation’s interests above his own
NOTE: This piece covers a controversial topic (pedophilia). Proceed with caution.
Senator Josh Hawley tried to destroy American democracy by overturning a presidential election. Now, he’s trying to destroy the Republican Party.
The lead singer of Hawley & Totes (assuming Hawley uses tote bags as KKK masks) tried to muckrake newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. We wondered why Hawley was so critical of a black, female candidate who is way more qualified for her job than the other Supreme Court Justices when they first started out. Perhaps Hawley wanted to “own the liberals” after they rightfully called out Republican Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh for his sexual assault in 2018? Hawley showcased his pettiness on March 22, 2022, when he tweeted a lengthy thread accusing Judge Brown Jackson of giving child sex offenders lenient sentences.
“I think we just have a basic question to ask. Are we gonna get a judge here who’s gonna protect children, or who’s gonna protect child predators? Judge Jackson advocated for drastic change in how the law treats sex offenders by eliminating the existing mandatory minimum sentences for child porn.”
We asked Hawley if his Alzheimer’s is interfering with his work. Yes, it’s true that Brown Jackson gave lenient sentences for pedophiles. However, this practice is mainstream. There are three other federal judges who gave lenient sentences for child predators. All these judges were confirmed by, wait for it, Hawley himself.
If Hawley really forgot he allowed his judges to not meet the strict federal guidelines for pedophiles, then he needs to resign to focus on repairing his mental health. Hawley vehemently denied that he was involved in the hiring process of those judges.
“If I had known about — and I’m not sure which judges you are referring to — but if there are judges who are soft on child porn offenders in a systematic kind of pattern, then that would be a big problem, and if I had known that at the time, then it would hurt my support.”
We forwarded Hawley’s statement to Federal appeals court judges Joseph Bianco of the Second Circuit and Andrew Brasher of the Eleventh Circuit. Both Bianco and Brasher were stunned by Hawley’s denial.
“What is this nonsense? Hawley approved our hirings because we could protect Republican pedophiles¹! He approved three of us because there are way too many conservative child rapists and way too few conservative judges to help them out!”
Brasher shook his head.
“What is Hawley even complaining about? Even Brandon Trump approved our hirings just so we can give lenient sentences for his cronies. Why do you think Lauren Boebert’s pedophile husband is running around scott-free? Why do you think QAnon ring leader Matt Gaetz is not in jail for sleeping with a minor? Why do you think Trump is still tweeting despite soliciting minors from his pal, Jeffrey Epstein?”
Hawley’s attempt to hold the GOP accountable was criticized by all his conservative supporters and colleagues. Multiple public figures took to Twitter to blast Hawley for destroying the Republican Party.
“Hawley is a SAD MAN who does not care about America! This lightweight loser dares to attack me for sleeping with my daughter when she was 13? PATHETIC!” ~ Brandon Trump, from his handle IvankaDaddy
“Way to piss off our fans. They all believe in QAnon. Everyone knows QAnon is a lie to protect pedophiles. You go after child rapists, you go after QAnon. You go after QAnon, you go after your supporters. Apologize now!” ~ Matt Gaetz
“Not wise to shit in the hand that fed you. What if ANTIFA intoxicated you instead of my pedophile husband? Maybe when you get drunk and expose yourself to minors just to settle a bet, you’ll look at these child predators with much kinder eyes.” ~ Lauren Boebert
“We at Microsoft condemn Hawley’s treatment of this minority group. After all, we love diversity and inclusion. Pedophiles are why Microsoft Bing is finally profitable!” ~ Satya Nadella
“Hawley, why did you tweet this out? Don’t you know that your fan base can’t read? It’s why they didn’t even bother to buy your autobiography! Should have run it by us first so we can display your revised message on Fox News.” ~ GOP Chairperson Ronna McDaniel
“We are displeased that Hawley is not the empathetic, accepting Christian role model we envisioned he was. We will no longer endorse his Senate reelection campaign, and will resume covering up child abuse scandals in the Catholic Church.” ~ New Orleans Saints owner Gayle Benson
“Wait, does Gayle Benson need help in getting rid of the evidence of child abuse? If so, I’ll gladly offer up my cyberbullying skills for assistance!” ~ Chrissy Teigan
“I don’t know why Hawley is making a big deal out of child sex abuse. Is it even sexual assault when the perpetrator has a micropenis? If the dick is small, the children should be lucky that they didn’t feel anything during penetration.” ~ Rick Santorum
“Age is nothing but a number. Even in China, too young is just a name. Why on earth is Hawley kink-shaming us?” ~ R. Kelly
“Our great leader Muhammad married a six-year-old child Aisha when he was fifty-three. He slept with her when she was nine. Why does Hawley hate people who are romantically involved with children? Is he disrespecting Muhammad? BLASPHEMY! We radical Islamists financially supported his political party, and THIS is how he repay us? HOW DARE HE! We’ll kill him for his insubordination!” ~ Al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri
Upon realizing his “error”, Hawley quickly apologized.
“I am deeply sorry if I offended anyone. It was not my intention to humiliate everyone, most notably President Trump and the Prophet Muhammad.
“I didn’t realize that the GOP is aligned with pedophiles, and I will learn from this mistake going forward. I have hired a diversity coach so that he can tell me how to be more respectful to child rapists.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Footnote #1: As of now, Joseph Bianco and Andrew Brasher have not publicly supported Republicans covering up their pedophilia.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.