POLITICS
Trump Cult Claims Their Savior Could Not Have Raped Children Because His Penis Is Too Small
That makes things better?
We’ll take “Sentences we’d never thought we’d hear anyone say” for 500, Alex Trebek. Our nation is officially in jeopardy.
USA’s most scandalous trial since the George Floyd Murder Trial (wait, that happened in 2021 as well? How on earth did we have groundbreaking trials in the same year? Get your shit together, America!) kicked off with a shocking testimony from one of the four women who accused Ghislaine Maxwell of grooming them when they were minors. The accuser, Jane, testified that Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to then Donald Trump (now Brandon Trump). This caused Trump to angrily tweet on his handle IvankaDaddy.
“Jane is a fake person created by ANTIFA to tarnish my name! The US Justice System is corrupt! I would never sleep with a minor if she wasn’t my daughter!”
MAGA supporters rushed to Twitter to defend their leader. Some questioned why Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew weren’t criticized, but Trump was. “Democrats engaged in sexual trafficking as well, but sure let’s pile it on a great Republican leader!” user LangmanVince cried.
We responded that both Clinton and Prince Andrew should go to jail as well, as political allegiance shouldn’t be a free bypass from crimes. Furthermore, Trump was a Democrat around the time he met Epstein’s minor. We asked the user why he was complaining about conservative segregation when only the liberals have been getting owned. LangmanVince has yet to respond.
We’re confused why MAGA supporters are still supporting Trump despite his prior Democrat Party allegiance. Republicans were hell bent on getting rid of the Confederacy after realizing that founder Jefferson Davis was a Democrat. Why this delusional fanbase chose to look the other way for their glorious cult leader is beyond us. However, we’re more alarmed to find MAGA supporters supporting Trump’s sexual advances on the minor. Former Republican Congressman Lawrence Lockman stated.
“Is the girl dead? No. Then Trump is free to fuck her as he pleases. Why shouldn’t he be free to exert his superior strength on a woman? He isn’t killing anyone!”
We’re baffled that a Republican/MAGA supporter glossed over the fact that the girl Trump sexually assaulted was a minor at the time, as MAGA promoted QAnon to support Trump’s fight against pedophiles. Is the GOP willing to look the other way if pedophiles came from their party? We wish this was the only twisted comment we heard from a Republican, but that would be the equivalent of expecting Brock Turner to act like a gentleman around drunk girls.
Multiple Trump supporters decided to question whether the girl was actually raped by Trump. “This accusation is a slander to a good Christian man!” MAGA supporter Jimmy Crowe declared. “How can Trump even “rape” a girl if his penis is too damn small for the girl to feel anything?” Startled, we asked Crowe if he’s suggesting that Trump has a micropenis.
“Well, duh! Trump supports white nationalism! He wanted to build a wall to keep Mexicans out! Racism is a character trait of people with small dicks. There’s no logical reason to hate on people based on the color of their skin, so Trump is obviously taking his insecurity out on them. I should know, I’m a racist as well. And I have a tiny dick!
“If you don’t believe me, then ask Trump’s mistress Stormi Daniels. She claimed it was non-existent. Porn stars never lie! Every woman in the world has no stretch marks and can squirt a waterfall!”
Amused, we asked said supporter if God would be forgiving of a man who cheated on his wife with a porn star. “Stop deflecting dumbass, Trump did nothing wrong!” the supporter decried.
This micropenis theory inspired Fox News to spread ridiculous claims to support its anti-abortion stance. Bret Breir’s All-Star Panel brought in the following guests to debate on whether a man with a small dick can even sexually assault a female: former Treasurer of Indiana Richard Murdock, former Republican Senator Rick Santorum, and former Congressman Todd Akin. Breir began.
“As we all know, Trump is under fire for sexually assaulting a minor. But people are claiming that the minor is exaggerating her circumstances because of Trump’s micropenis. If Trump has a tiny dick, then the victim would have felt nothing.
“Furthermore, the minor would have delivered a child with ease if she became pregnant from this unrecognizable penetration. As she felt no pain from point of conception, she will thus feel no pain during childbirth. So, is it acceptable for a man with a small dick to sexually assault women?”
Murdock began.
“Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen. If any case, God was generous in letting a man with a tiny penis rape the girl, as the girl felt nothing through conception. Furthermore, the girl wasn’t pregnant. It’s all God’s Plan.”
Former Republican Senator Rick Santorum echoed similar sentiments.
“I agree with Richard Mourdock. The minor was fortunate that Trump was not well endowed. Otherwise, it would be painful. Rape victims like her should make the best of a bad situation.”
Former Congressman Todd Akin broke the mold on common conservative thinking.
“I do know that if it’s a legitimate rape, the body has a way of shutting it down. This explains why the girl wasn’t pregnant from sex with Trump, as her body shut down after detecting a micropenis. The shaft is too small to penetrate the first layer of defense in the vagina. I’m not a gynecologist, so I have no idea if that portion of female anatomy is designed like that. But everything I say is true because I am an old, white male.”
We’re alarmed that the only part Republicans felt was worth discussing a minor’s sexual abuse was how well endowed the culprit was. Fox News distracted the public from Trump’s felony so successfully that people are debating on whether micropenis rape is even a crime. This little dick theory was so popular that even Democrat billionaire Elon Musk took to Twitter to announce his penis reduction surgery.
“It’s no secret that I badly want to be like Trump. I wish to emulate this Republican leader to every little detail. If Trump has a small dick, then so should I!”
Musk also stated that he wanted to channel this small dick energy into exploring sexual relations with children in a way that’s socially accepted. When we asked Musk why he desired to be a pedophile, the Tesla guru smirked, “Well, I do want to learn how to build an effective submarine. Pedo guys know exactly how to do so.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
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NOTE: All these Republican quotes have actually been said by such politicians. Not in the context of child sex abuse, but in the context of rape. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/personal-foul/
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NOTE: I’ve posted the link earlier, but here’s a list of all the famous GOP/Republican leaders caught sexually abusing minors. This is alarmingly long. https://imgur.com/gallery/5k3JHlE
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