POLITICS
Ralph Norman and Lindsey Graham Threaten to Cut the Ku Klux Klan’s Tax-Exempt Status if They Continue to Wear Masks
That’s one way to end discrimination
The words sung by the philosopher Future have been repeated mindlessly by Ralph Norman and Lindsey Graham. Both Republican Senators of South Carolina criticized mask mandates as unconstitutional, as they prohibit the American right to do as they please. We found their logic weird, as the law mandates that Americans have such freedoms as long as other parties are not hurt/abused. Does this mean arresting serial killers is unconstitutional because the law prohibits these depraved individuals to do as they please?
We reached out to Graham and Norman to address. Graham retorted. “Why do we need masks if we’re already vaccinated? This is nothing more than a liberal ploy to bully us into a pandemic environment. These sadistic terrorists will stop at nothing to exert control over us poor conservatives.” We asked Graham if he and Norman contacted COVID after they were vaccinated. “Well, yes we did. But what’s your point? Doesn’t this mean that vaccines are useless?” Graham pressured.
We stated that vaccines mitigate the risk of getting COVID, not eliminate getting the disease. The reason is that vaccines are effective in herd immunity, where everyone gets a vaccine to combat the pandemic. The vaccine loses effectiveness if at least one person isn’t vaccinated in the crowd. Since the conservative man-children have done an amazing job of convincing their voters to distrust the vaccines, they have effectively prolonged the pandemic and the risk of contracting the disease. Hence, masks are needed more than ever to secure ourselves from the morons who chose to ignore the safety of the public for selfish reasons.
This harsh truth was too much for Norman to bear, as he snapped at us.
“Look, you don’t have to tell us! We get it! Masks and vaccines are necessary for us to survive. But do you think our supporters care? They didn’t listen to Doug Ducey, Dick Cheney, and even Mike Pence when they came out in support of masks! They booed Brandon [Donald] Trump when he encouraged them to get vaccines! Hell, these grown ass adults bullied a high-school student just because his grandmother died from getting COVID from an unmasked person!
“Why are they sending death threats to us? We’re trying to save their lives, for Christ’s sake! It’s so dumb that we depend on these MAGA morons for power, but we have do what we can to keep them happy and protect our seats!”
We were amused that these Republican senators are finally facing the repercussions of their anti-vaccination stance, and now have to put their health and safety at risk in order to stay in power. That being said, we were confused as to why their supporters would be mad if they supported masks. The Ku Klux Klan heavily supports the Republican Party for white nationalism, and they have no problems wearing masks in public. If anything, Norman and Graham can tailor their votes to those racists and still protect their health.
Norman and Graham looked at each other, stunned. They quickly gained their composure and thanked us for our time. We were worried that we gave them a bird-brained idea to promote racism. Our fears were assuaged when we tuned in to their evening televised announcement from the South Carolina Senators.
Norman
“We of South Carolina have always fought against mask mandates, as they restrict our freedoms heavily. Our supporters have always felt this way, and we will act as a voice for those misheard souls. We have filed a lawsuit against Nancy Pelosi for fining us for not wearing masks during a voting. This act of treason violates our American freedoms, especially those promised by the second amendment of the Constitution. No, the right to bear arms has nothing to do with mask mandates. We’re just dropping this phase so you all can pay attention to us.”
Graham
“However, we do not have a chance to win this lawsuit unless all our supporters are maskless. It has come to our attention that the Ku Klux Klan continues to wear large hoods. We urge this racist organization to get rid of their masks. If they do not comply, we will brand them as terrorists for putting their selfish interests over the benefit of the Republican Party.”
Norman
“We have no problems pressuring the Ku Klux Klan to do what we want. We noticed that their chapters have successfully filed for tax-exempt status under the guise of religious organizations. While we applaud them for taking advantage of this loophole, we simply cannot allow this to continue if their values don’t align with ours. If they continue to wear masks, we will spare no expense to revoke their tax-exempt status.”
Graham
“Think long and hard about this, Ku Klux Klan. This is not a battle you can win. We know that you lost more members over the years. You don’t have enough funds to continue your current lawsuits. Your organization is in chaos after your leaders have been arrested. Do you really want to fight us?”
We were confused by this logic of attacking everyone who wore a mask prior to the pandemic. We wondered if Norman and Graham will next petition Fox to take down The Masked Singer. Nevertheless, we applauded Norman and Graham for fighting racism through very unconventional methods. Unmasking the racists in public will help the FBI capture more terrorists, including those of the 2021 failed DC insurrection.
Democrats applauded these Republicans for finally hurting the Ku Klux Klan. However, there is one liberal who is against this move: Nancy Pelosi. After losing her life savings by shorting GME stock, Pelosi no longer has the necessary funds to hire elite lawyers to win this frivolous lawsuit. We last heard of her promising reduced sentences for neo-nazis in exchange for supporting masks.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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