POLITICS
Lt Governor Dan Patrick Creates OnlyFans To Keep Texas’s Economy Afloat
Pimp My State II: Electric Boogaloo
Republicans will do anything for the dollar. Even if it means disappointing the Lord.
Texas Lt Governor Dan Patrick made headlines two years ago in April 2020 for protesting pandemic lockdowns. Patrick claimed he would rather die from the coronavirus than see the economy destroyed.
“I don’t care if America ends up becoming a WALL-E barren wasteland with no vegetation. I don’t care if we are all submerged under water. What is the point of living if none of us have paper to exchange for resources?
“How do we know how to distribute limited goods for people fairly? How do we value society effectively when everyone sits on their lazy asses and spends money on get rich quick schemes like GameStop and AMC stocks?”
“There are more important things than living and that’s saving this country¹. This country cannot run if capitalism is destroyed. We need to work to provide materialistic goods for others to consume. This country is better off dead if people can no longer work!”
We brought up that 19,458 Texans got sick from COVID, while 495 have died. Patrick scoffed.
“In Texas, we have 29 million people. We’ve lost 495 and every life is valuable, but 500 people out of 29 million?¹ In the grand scheme of things, that’s trivial.
“Plus, we’ve reached the worst parts. It’s not like the pandemic will get worse.”
Yet another entry of David Letterman’s Famous Last Words.
Since Patrick made that comment in April 2020, around 7.99 million Texans have gotten sick from COVID. 92,327 of them died from COVID. The number of deaths increased 184 times since April 2020.
Furthermore, many people left Texas for the following reasons.
- Governor Gregg Abbott passed a series of laws to drive away/kill even more Texans just so he can buy cheap real estate.
- Women left Texas due to state restrictions on their bodies.
- Straight, rich men left because there were no women left in Texas.
- Companies left because the educated women and men left.
- Abortion bounty hunters left to arrest evangelical, hypocritical christians in religious states.
- Illegal immigrants left against their will. Ron DeSantis used Florida funds to fly Texas immigrants to Martha’s Vineyard.
- Poor, unemployed white families left for better opportunities. They disguised themselves as Mexicans so DeSantis can fly them out of Texas.
- African-Americans left because they were tired of being marginalized by Texas segregation.
- Farmers left because Abbott defunded bills to support environment and farming rights.
- Elderly people left because Abbott’s ban of vaccination and mask mandates put their health at significant risk.
- Anti-vaxxers stayed to support Abbott. However, they died out due to lack of immunity and brain cells.
Thanks to Abbott’s recreation of the Squid Games, the number of Texan civilians dropped from 29 million to just 29 people. Abbot’s population reduction was so efficient that Palestine reached out for help in killing Israel settlers. Staunch Hitler supporter Sean Hannity praised Abbott for not wasting government money on concentration camps.
Patrick, however, was shocked at the lack of workers to fuel the state’s economy.
“What is this hell? There’s no jobs, no people, no place to live in! How can Abbott expect me and my family to live when he’s screwed a state over in multiple ways?”
We asked Patrick why he couldn’t just leave Texas. Patrick looked dumfounded.
“What jobs are there for me? I can’t run for political elections in other states. I’ve destroyed American democracy through lying about voter fraud. Ok, voter fraud does exists. However, I can’t speak about it because all those criminals are Republicans.
“I’ve been blacklisted by my colleagues. My supporters turned their backs on me. No one will want to hire me outside of Texas.
“My savings dried up. My wife is planning to leave me! My kids hate me! I need to find a solution ASAP ”
Patrick swallowed his boomer pride and searched for millennial gigs on Fiverr. He stumbled upon OnlyFans, a membership site where subscribers pay to view his softcore pornographic content. Patrick hung his head in shame.
“I originally didn’t want to register for this, as I was afraid of straying away from the Lord’s light. But I needed money more than ever. I hope the Lord will forgive me once I confess my sins.”
Patrick started stripping and posting scantily clad photos of himself. What started out as anonymous body shots gradually evolved into selfies and pictures of his junk and buttocks. Patrick even offered a premium membership for fans to view him wearing various American flags as mankinis and experimenting with dildos shaped like bald eagle talons.
In a matter of weeks, Patrick’s OnlyFans grew exponentially. College boys found it hilarious to see a 71 year old politician attempt to twerk on the stripper pole. Gay, young, poor adults followed Patrick in hopes of seducing this well known “sugar daddy.” Elderly women followed Patrick just to masturbate to his silver, porcupine-haired dad body.
We followed up with Patrick a month later. The OnlyFans model bragged that he makes $10,000 a month as a sex worker. However, Patrick admitted some drawbacks.
“I was forced to provide for my family. Morality doesn’t pay the bills.
“I tried to hide my gig, but I was caught by my ex supporters and colleagues. They harassed me online and exposed my private world.
“My kids refused to speak to me again. My wife left me for our pastor. She would rather have our priest molest little boys than me produce porn.”
Patrick broke down.
“Why is everyone attacking me for trying to survive? If they just walked a mile in my shoes, they would not be so judgmental.”
We asked Patrick what he would do with his newfound wealth. Patrick shook his head.
“I have no political career outside of Texas. I have no friends or family. All I have are 27 neighbors in this barren wasteland that Abbott created. I’ve lost everything at the cost of chasing the dollar!
“However, my spirit isn’t broken. I did say I would rather die than see the state’s economy destroyed. I can rebuild this state back to its former glory from the wealth I gained by clapping my asscheeks.
“I am a man of my word. I have nothing left but my dignity. Abbott and COVID destroyed this great state. I can rebuild it through prostituting myself. If economy-booming Seattle was founded by prostitutes, then Texas has a bright future.”
We reached out to Abbott, who was infuriated that Patrick was trying to improve Texas for its citizens. In order to preserve his peace and quiet, Abbot vowed to liquidate his real estate to take down the “man-whore” thorough multiple lawsuits.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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#1: Dan Patrick actually said this.
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